Aim to Express...

To Heal and To Bruise

2011-03-15T23:27:00.001-07:00

These hands of mine are quite magnificent.

These hands of mine are yet nothing but dust.

These hands of mine were created by the maker of the Universe, my Lord Jesus Christ.

These hands of mine, yet dust they may be, by His strength alone, have the ability to help others.

These hands of mine, yet dust they may be, have the ability to create.

These hands of mine, yet dust they may be, have the ability to serve.

My two hands, fingertip to fingertip, and palm to palm, have shown me time and time again to be both healers and bruisers.

These hands of mine....they heal. And yet these hands of mine...they bruise.

Created by the God of our Universe, they were made to serve and love others. Yet because of my sin, my hands do much more than serve. Much more than love. Much more than heal. Because of my sin, these hands have the ability to do so much worse. They have the ability to do quite the opposite of healing.

When I look at my life, from all of my yesterdays up until today, this is a common theme I find. My hands heal. And yet my hands bruise.

My heart aches when I think of those who my hands have bruised. I have bruised others by my words. My actions. And when I reflect back on those times-times where I remember my hands bruising whom I love; I feel sadness, heart ache, disappointment, despair, and shame. When I say "my hands" bruise, what I am referring to, is myself. Me, myself, and I.

We all have the ability to be healers. We all have the ability to be servers. We all have the ability to be lovers. And yet we all have fallen short at times from each of these. We harm, we bruise, we hurt. Typically those who we love most dearly. Those whom we hold closest to our hearts. We hurt with our words. We hurt with our actions. We bruise with our self-consumed lifestyles. We bruise with our apathetic and complacent attitudes. We harm with our dishonesty and lies. We harm with our backstabbing and gossip and two facing. We are sinners who have hands that heal. And hands that bruise.

I feel shame and sadness when I think about the ways these hands of mine have bruised. I feel joy and gladness when I think about the ways these hands of mine have healed. I feel pain when I think about those people whom I hold close to my heart, who I have pained with my own hands. I feel hopeful and at peace when I think about those who I have shown love and grace and service to with my own hands.

And so my prayer is this: that God, you may make my hands like yours. Mold these hands with your very own, so that they are healing hands and not ones that bruise. Make these hands, hands that protect and love and shower healing upon those who I love and those who are in need. Those who may be complete strangers. And even those who have done wrong onto me. Mold these hands. Make them like yours. And forgive me for how my hands, how I have bruised others. How I have harmed those I care about. Through my selfishness. Through my stubbornness. Through my apathy. Through my lies. Through the walls I have put up and the ones I have refused to tear down. Make these hands of mine ones that protect. Ones that are honest and true and good. Ones that wish only to love, and never to harm.

Amen.

Stuck Standing Still

2010-08-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

It was the strangest feeling. Like nothing I've ever experienced before. As they lay you down to rest, my feet were glued to the grass, my eyes were glued on you, my body was stuck standing still. I was stuck standing still. As the hot tears roll down my face, the hot droplets of sweat rolled down the back of my neck. Standing stuck in all black out in the middle of no where, surrounded by endless green pasture, fields of rolling wheat, the beating hot summer sun making me victim to a shadeless afternoon, it was all I could do to keep from shouting. Shouting out of pure sorrow. Shouting out of pure exhaustion. And yet I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't speak. I could feel my heart beating and the slow breaths coming in and out, but I couldn't open my mouth to speak. I tried to look away. Tried like hell to look at anything else. But I couldn't. My eyes were stuck on you, as the family and friends walked all around like slow motion ghosts filling the space out of my peripheral view. Nothing could distract me. Not a pat on the back, a firm shoulder placed on my shoulder, the grasp of fingers clenching mine. Not a hug of comfort, a kiss on the forehead. I couldn't be pulled away from this moment. For all I believed at that very moment in time, I was going to be stuck standing still right there on that farmland for the rest of my life...just staring.

I can't remember what exactly I was thinking. The thoughts that were running through my head seem so overwhelming to try and sort through right now. I can't remember how long I stood there. Or what eventually got my attention to look away and wave goodbye. But looking back on it now, when I think earnestly about that moment when I was stuck standing still, I can remember the presence of the Holy Spirit there with me. In me. All around me. And so if I had to bet, I'm willing to bet it was the power of the Holy Spirit that gave me the courage and comfort to unplant my feet, blink my eyes, and let go of the breath I had been holding for what seemed like days.

I may have been stuck standing still, but I was certainly not stuck standing still alone. You were there. My God, you were there. Reminding me of your promise, that although there may be pain tonight, the morning sun will rise again. A promise that still resonates in my heart today as I put one foot in front of the next, each day that comes and goes, knowing that I am never alone. There may be sorrow. There may be unsurpassable pain. There may be sadness and tears and weakness. But you have promised me so much more then any of that. You have promised me hope. Comfort. Life. Heaven. And healing. In you alone there is strength to be found. Endurance to be shared. Perseverance and hope to be captivated by. In you alone there is reason to move forward, one foot in front of the next, despite all the sorrow and all the pain that may come with this time. I will not be stuck standing still forever. Death has been defeated and there is marvelous light to be experienced. My God, I shall not be stuck standing still forever. Because of you, there is hope. There is new life.

On a beautiful Friday afternoon, the rain fell down. The rain fell down as the bright sun shone down all around me. The air was warm. Not a cloud in the sky. But a summer shower fell down all around me, cleansing and drenching me with every good thing you have to offer. On a beautiful Friday afternoon, I felt her. She was letting me know that she was okay. O, how she loved those summer afternoon rains. Sitting on the porch just soaking them in. And on a beautiful Friday afternoon, there she was shining down on me. Now that is beautiful...

"You said that you'd be coming for me soon. O, my God, I'll be ready for you. And I wana run on greener pastures, I wana dance on higher hills. I wana drink from sweeter waters, in the misty morning chill. And my soul is getting restless, for the place that I belong. I can't wait to join the angels and sing my Heaven song."

Thank you Lord....for your goodness, your grace, your promise, your love....and for welcoming her into your heavenly rest.

WHO AM I?

2010-08-16T14:36:00.001-07:00

Who am I?

I AM….

A girl that prefers to be called “Kate” over “Kaitlin” but typically only when you know me well enough to consider me a real friend.

Determined.

Passionate.

A hopeless romantic.

Lover of Jesus Christ.

Stubborn.

Up for philosophical, political, theological, or any other kind of debate, but only on topics I have researched and know well enough about to have formed an honest opinion and argumentative basis.

Writer.

Open minded.

Adventurous.

Wild at heart.

Child-like love for life.

In love.

Fearful.

Under construction with a heart, mind and soul that is being made new and transformed by Jesus

Incapable of small talk

Natural ability to do beyond surface level conversation

Lover of real community

More interested in a divine romance and relationship with the Lord as opposed to a religion

Sinner. All too often.

Ability to find beauty in the small things that life has to offer

Lover of coffee houses

Americano Coffee drinker: no room for cream, 3 splendas

One of my biggest struggles is learning to surrender EVERYTHING to the Lord.

Unusually sensitive digestive system: probably due to the fact that I am lactose intolerant

Obsessed with working out

Obsessed with music

Find my “me time” in long drives (especially out on country dirt roads away from it all), road trips, or long runs

Weak.

Broken.

Humbled.

Love for people.

Love for serving and outreach

Believe my mission field is wherever I am located currently

Lover of big cities and small towns

Addicted to diet coke and coffee

Consider myself to be somewhat a triathalete

Sometimes try to erase things that I have done that I am not proud of

Crazy in love with my family and closest friends

Defeated

Bruised and scared

Bandaged and healed

Sometimes all too closed off with my heart

Don’t always trust people easily

Carry the burdens of others but am still learning how to let others carry mine

Firm believer in the importance of surrender and the power of the Holy Spirit, but still learning how to do this and how to live by the Spirit and not of the World

Confused

Anxious

Heart for West Dallas; the 11th poorest community in the United States and a 15 minute drive from Highland Park Dallas neighborhood

Know that the Lord has used others to speak his love and trust; no matter how hard that truth has been to hear sometimes

Witness the love of the Lord that he has for me and his people, everyday through other people

Confident, yet doubt myself and my abilities all too often

Look for my ability too often in my own strength and power as opposed to the Holy Spirit’s

OCD cleaner and organizer

Prefer a beach house over a house in the mountains, yet I love the mountains and Colorado is my favorite state

Learning to be selfless

Learning to forgive

Have experienced the love of a best friend and what it means to be one

Learning that it’s okay not to have it all together

My life philosophy: Purpose over Performance. Always. But this is a constant struggle of mine to live this out every day.

Currently taking part in God’s Redemption Story.

Saved by grace. Undergoing sanctification.

Greatest fear: failure

All too good at tripping on my own two feet in this journey called life

Learning to cry

Learning to have my pride broken

A broken woman living in a broken world….not yet who I was made to be

Struggle with letting others in to help me when I am in need, rather than carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders alone

Sometimes like to believe I can do it all on my own. And I can't....

Anxiously awaiting Heaven

Listen to music too loud and don’t like to turn it down when I’m on the phone

Currently a change in the making: moving closer to God’s glory

Believe that one of the worst felt pains in this life is saying goodbye to a good friend

Desire to travel

Desire to be a lifelong missionary: no matter what my mission field looks like

Heart for Africa

All too imperfect. You could say I’m simply perfect at being imperfect

Give into doubt, worry, and fear all too often

Impatient

Desire to have faith like a little child

Learning to give more to others than myself

Desire to serve God by serving His people; yet I constantly fall short of doing so

Give into the world and my worldly desires all too often

Learning to accept, admit, and confess my imperfections and sins

Don’t know how to drive without speeding

Screwed up relationships and friendships more often than I liked to admit

Scared of commitment

Prefer the heat to the cold

Converse, Van, and TOMS shoe wearer

Trademarked by my white ball cap

Proud aunt and youngest sister of 4

Sometimes too ashamed to look at myself in the mirror because of my sins

Sometimes too ashamed and flooded by guilt of my sin to admit them. But learning to seek forgiveness rather than running in shame. And learning to repent.

Learning more and more each day the power of prayer. But sometimes doubt it. And I hate when I do.

Sometimes too concerned with how others perceive me, as opposed to how God sees me.

Sometimes find my worth and value in how others see me, in their opinions and judgments, as opposed to God’s.

Blessed by illnesses in the past that I have witnessed and that my family has witnessed

Pro at people skills

Can’t quite see the better version of myself yet, but I know it’s out there to discover

Completely incomplete with out Jesus

Good listener. But don’t always like to talk about myself. Sometimes it takes a good amount of prying to find out how my heart is REALLY doing

Don’t offer my heart or open it up for just anyone. Even those who really know me and really know my heart, have had to pursue me greatly and patiently in order to be let in

Action taker

Completely not artistic

Debater. Love a good argument

Sometimes stop to think twice of what other people will think of me before acting but learning to do this less

Liberal minded in my social views

Sometimes a procrastinator.

Don’t believe in manicures….I chew my nails

Prefer salts to sweets

Coffee cup collector

Love to write letters to family and friends

Find expression through music, lyrics and writing

Not who I was 4 years ago. A complete 180.

Finally forgiven myself for my past as I have accepted the Lord’s perfect grace and love

Desire to be captivated and fully loved by the man of my dreams…whoever he may be.

Desire to be pursued authentically by this man. Desire to be found beautiful by him. Desire to be forever loved.

Explorer.

Lover of public speaking

Determined to do my part each day to make this world a better place

Optimistic.

Idealistic.

Hopeful, yet sometimes feel lost in the dark trying to find the light when I forget to open my eyes

Have been given a changed perspective to see God’s people as he sees them, but have to pray every day I remember to use that perspective

Learning the importance of prayer

Need to dig into God’s Word more often than I do. And need to pray more often than I do.

Firm believer in the importance of being surrounded and encouraged by a body of believers, to walk in faith together

Firm believer in the importance of prayer, finding out who God is through his Word

Firm believer in the importance of quiet time, but don’t give enough of my time as it deserves

Firm believer in community

Desire to travel the country and travel the world

Desire to own a coffee shop when I grow old someday and call it: Under Construction

Firm believer that the best conversations take place during long car drives

Incredibly blessed by the forgiveness good friends have offered me

Dehydrate all too often

Learning the true meaning of integrity and honesty

Desire that the day of my funeral be a celebration rather than a mourning of my life. And a celebration for where I have gone

…. And so on…

Summer 2010: Chicago Style

2010-08-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

It’s hard to believe that I have been living and working in Chicago for almost 9 weeks now. By the time I get on a plane to come home to Kansas next week where I will then pack up for Dallas, the 9 week summer in Chicago-a city I have fallen in love with and a summer that I can honestly say has been one of the best-feelings of bittersweet emotion will be flooding my head and my heart. Then again, yesterday, when the reality of leaving here and coming back home became somewhat tangible for the first time, those bittersweet feelings-mixed emotions of sadness and excitement-began flowing through my blood at full speed. When school let out back in May and my Chicago journey was just a few short weeks away, it began to feel all-too-real to me for the first time since I had accepted the internship and signed off on my housing way back in March. I was blessed beyond belief to land such an incredible internship so soon and its something I have not taken for granted one day that I’ve been here. Having the opportunity to work for the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at the Chicago District Office, although may at first make me sound like some sort of big shot, I really do not nor do I want any of the credit or applause. Because as far as I’m concerned, God was the one who opened these doors for me. All along I had been trying to land an internship out in D.C. for the summer working for International Justice Mission. However, when those doors were closed and the opportunity to live and intern in Chicago opened up, it was all by the Lord’s doing. I knew from that moment that my summer internship search came to an end, that the Lord had something in store for me this summer. I had always wanted to move to a new and unfamiliar city for a summer while I was in college, learn to conquer it and be challenged by it, but I can honestly say that I never in my farthest imagination, planned on learning all that I did. I didn’t expect what was handed to me: the opportunity to grow so much, be challenged and pushed outside of my comfort zone to no end, to come across the pathway of friends who I can now call a solid group of friends of mine who would get to know me so well and who I would come to love so much, to get handed the expectations and responsibility that my work has granted me, to learn a whole new definition to the word “independence,” or to fall in love with a city so quickly. This summer has been a summer I can never and would never want to forget. After 9 short weeks, I have learned so much more about myself. I have grown to new extremes. I have come to learn more about the Lord’s heart then I ever saw coming. I have come to grow closer to my Savior and seen Him work in some pretty crazy ways around me. I have had my eyesight and perspective changed by His will, where I learned more and more each day to see life and to see His people as He sees them as opposed to how we see one another. I have come to get my heart and my mind shaken up, totally unprepared for it but in the end, I wouldn’t have changed it to be prepared even if I had the option. I have come to know and learn more about myself, my heart, my passions, my desires, and the things out there that really make my clock tick, that really make my blood boil, that really make my heart on fire to live for and to love and to run after. I was thrown into a city I knew nothing about, put in an apartment complex with people I didn’t know, placed in a work environment where I had no idea what to expect, and at the end of every day and to this day now, I can honestly say that I have seen and felt God’s hand in all of it.

This summer has been a summer of pure adventure. A summer of excitement, a summer of laughter and sweat and unforgettable memories. A summer of unending challenges, endless opportunity, and countless moments of pure exhaustion. I have been knocked down, bruised, and gotten back up again. I have great days where life has never been so good and days where I wanted nothing more then to crawl back into bed, sleep it away, and start it all over again the next morning. I have laughed more times then I can remember, I have experienced times of utter despair and tears, and I have had every kind of day in-between. I’ve made friends that I have become closer to then I ever expected and ones who I can honestly say I hope to stay friends with down the road because they mean too much to simply let go. I have got lost in the city, turned around on the subway and train, and found my way back home again. I have got caught out in the pouring rain without an umbrella more than once and I have spent endless hours on Lake Michigan beach and lake shore drive just to close my eyes, breathe deep, feel the wind rush through my air and cool my body on a hot summer day. I have sweated pounds of water on my morning excursions to work and weekend adventures. I have tried new running paths along the lake and through local neighborhoods with my I pod blasting and my feet carrying me miles on end. I have had so many moments of complete serenity and peace where I sit outside at a local café to read the paper and enjoy a cup of coffee, or take a long walk through a family style neighborhood, or let the afternoon drift by me while I spend it on a rooftop just soaking in the best of summer rays, my favorite music playing while my heart and mind were set free to just think and pray and be still. I have drank too much at times and sometimes regretted it the next morning, but I have had friends there the whole time to make memorable stories and playbacks. I have worn my work heels down to the point that they are about to break and I have visited the dry cleaners more than I ever thought possible to get my blouses, jackets and dress pants washed. I think it’s safe to say I have spent 80% of my summer in business casual clothes. I have had conversations with complete strangers, explored the city to no end so that by the time I left I would feel like I knew it like the back of my hand. I have been drunk off of countless sunsets that fall over the Chicago skyline and Lake Michigan and have enjoyed 4 AM trips out to the lake to see the sun come up marvelously. I have witnessed the city never sleep and yet have played golf on courses that sit outside of the city so you feel as if nothing else exists, simply you, the greens, the deer that chase one another across the course, and downtown Chicago in the background. And in the midst of everything, I have seen and felt God’s hand in all of it.

I have put my to do lists, calendars, and schedules away for the summer, choosing to live one day at a time instead of three weeks in advance. I have learned what it means to slow down, breathe deep, take one step at a time and live, really LIVE, for what is most important. Through all of this, I have been apart from the community of family and friends back home in Dallas that I have come to know and love like brothers and sisters the past 3 years. That community that is all too unique and meaningful, nothing could possibly replace it. A community that loves me, knows me and my heart, challenges me in the Lord and walks with me in faith on this journey we have come to call life. A community that is missed more than words can say when we are apart that leaves a homesick feeling for one another when we are not together. It has been a summer apart and has felt like years. It is a community that I am anxiously awaiting to get back to and to start sharing life together again in person. But while we have been apart, and as the Lord has led me up to Chicago to serve Him and glorify Him in my work and life up here in my summer city, I have learned to become more dependent and more reliant on the Lord. When you are not surrounded by that community who is there to challenge you and hold you accountable in person, it’s up to you as to whether you will draw closer or draw away from the Lord until your time with that community reunites. For me this summer, it has become an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord and His heart. Feeling like I was on the brink of something at the beginning of the summer, but unaware what it was, this summer has been a chance for the Lord to teach me and grow me. Before summer started and I moved to Chicago, all I knew was that something was waiting for me to discover. Something was waiting for me to conquer and learn and be challenged by. There was something that the Lord was going to show me and teach me. I was on the brink of it and only time could tell when it would be revealed. When summer rolled around, I was ready for adventure. I was ready to take a step on my own and try this whole thing. But I had no idea what was coming.

Looking back now on the past 2 months, I cannot say that there was solely one specific thing the Lord had waiting for me. Because it wasn’t just about learning to become more dependent on Him while I was away from my community back home. It was about so, so much more than that. He has shaken up my heart. Shaken up my plans. Changed my outlook and changed my perspective. I could not have expected to learn all that I did about myself before this summer and the journey and adventure I signed up for back in March was something I could only discover for myself as it was happening. Now that it has happened, and is all too quickly coming to an end within the next week, I know that I am not leaving with any regrets. I have grown up a lot. I have been given a new pair of glasses to see people and see things differently, other than I ever had before. With the challenges, mountains and up hills that I have climbed, and with the fun, excitement, and pure joy I have experienced this summer, I think it’s safe to say that this summer has been anything but a failed lesson. If I could do it all over again I would; and I wouldn’t change one thing about it.

In the midst of this summer in Chicago, I’ve had a close friend come visit me for a weekend to celebrate my birthday with me, I’ve gotten to travel to visit my best group of girl friends for a weekend away in Minnesota, and I’ve even gotten to travel to New York City to visit another someone special, only to be more blown away and left in awe of a city so full of life and vibrancy. I’ve been blessed to spend time with one of my sister and brother-in-laws here in Chicago and had a taste of home when I get to stay with them. All in all, I’d say it’s been a summer not to forget.

In addition to learning to become more dependent on the Lord and to live with out to-do lists and schedules for once in my life, my perspective in general on my life, my upcoming senior year, my post-graduation plans, and how I see people has be shaken up. For one thing, the Lord has challenged me to see His people as He sees them. And if I’ve learned anything this summer, especially working for this federal government agency, where my sole purpose has been to serve the Lord by serving His people-those who have been discriminated against-is that we are ALL broken. But the eyesight he has allowed me to try on this summer has been one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had in quite sometime. The fact that I pass on average 30 homeless people everyday on my way to work, and am constantly working for average every-day people who come into the EEOC who have been discriminated against in their workplace, well, it has allowed me the chance see a sort of lifestyle that is all too uncommon in the Highland Park community of Dallas, Texas. I have found myself last spring semester for the first time since I moved to Dallas 3 years ago, to become more blind to the kind of people who don’t fit the Highland Park bubble stereotype, except for when I am serving in West Dallas. At the end of my Junior year, it became all to painfully obvious that I had lost my eyesight towards the broken, the needy, the pour, the homeless, except when I was down in West Dallas serving. All of us are broken, every single one of us. But for a lot of us we show it in a much less obvious way. And what I realized by the end of last year, was that I had become blind and numb to those who were painfully and obviously broken on the outside, simply because when spending so much time in Highland Park, you don’t see that often-hardly at all-almost never in fact. Up until last semester, I had made it a purpose and a point to get out of the Highland Park bubble and to serve people in other areas who were in desperate need. This isn’t to say that people living in the Highland Park community are not in need-but I always felt a calling to serve in other places, especially West Dallas, where they are the 11^th poorest community in the United States, and a 15 minute car ride away from SMU. However, in the midst of losing sight of so many things last semester, one of those things I lost sight of was in fact that calling to serve outside of the bubble; a calling I heard so strongly from the Lord since I moved down to Dallas. I had gone from spending so much time outside of the bubble, to spending not even half as much. And in the midst of doing so, my eyesight became blurry to just how many people were broken and in need. Blurry to the sight of countless people in areas and communities all over Dallas that were God’s people and in need of a helping hand. When the Lord started revealing this unpleasant fact to me, it was a mouthful to swallow. It’s incredibly difficult to realize something like this about yourself, but it is also incredibly humbling. So before I left for Chicago, I prayed that God would change my perspective. Get me back to seeing his people as He saw them. To see people in all their brokenness and still realize just how beautiful they were. To see the needs and hear the cries of those around me and to reach out. To serve God by serving others. To love as I have been called to love and as He has loved me. I asked for a new pair of seeing glasses, the ones that I had seemed to lose along the way last semester. Because that purpose to serve; that calling to serve had not extinguished in me. It was burning just as strongly like a flame in my heart that couldn’t be put out. But I needed to start seeing people in the right light again, and shake that numb feeling; of being numb to all the brokenness that surrounds us every day, that could be aided and relieved so much if we simply chose to reach out a hand. It is our purpose as children of God. To love as we have been loved. To serve out of a joy and desire for Him. When we choose to ignore the brokenness or choose not to see it, it’s like we can pretend it doesn’t exist. But by choosing not to see it, or to close our eyes to it, doesn’t make it disappear. It doesn’t make it any less real. Closing our eyes to it only makes it worse for those who are in need. Choosing to do nothing is choosing to live a numb and selfish life. As the summer has progressed, and I have witnessed all that I have, my heart has been humbled and my eyesight has been renewed. It’s something I make sure to pray for every day on my way to work: to see people as God sees them. To serve them how He has called me to. To keep in mind, each day I work, my purpose and reason for working there: to serve and to be a voice for the discriminated that do not have a voice. I think honestly the best way to sum up what I have discovered and what the Lord has taught me this summer to keep as my focus and is Micah 6:8

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

I was reminded of this when I was sitting in church a few weeks ago in Minnesota when I was there visiting friends. It was one of those sermons that just hit you where you needed it most. When God just woke something up in you. Where you couldn’t deny the truth behind the message. Something that I took away from this, after being reminded that my purpose of working at the EEOC this summer was to do exactly what Micah 6:8 calls me to do every day, and after having my eyesight renewed from the blind sleepy slumber it seemed to have taken last semester, was that all of it starts with integrity. Honesty and truth behind everything I do as an individual. After all, how are any of us supposed to serve the world with a purpose if we aren’t going forth with integrity? Without it, we are lying to ourselves and lying to those around us. Without it, our motives are simply selfish. And that is not the way the Lord has called any of us to do His work. Thinking about what my purpose has been here this summer and realizing more and more with each passing day, that the Lord had it planned for me to be in Chicago doing what I’m doing, long before the idea of moving up here even crossed my mind, it has made me realize even more the difference between performance and purpose. Over the past few months, the Lord has put a unique philosophy on my heart for me to try to live out every day: purpose vs. performance. Living a purpose driven life as opposed to a performance driven one, that is driven by expectations that all too often cannot be met because of their unrealistic heights. To live a purpose driven life is to live with passion, with a fire that burns inside of your heart to go forth with what the Lord has called you to. On this journey called life, we are each called to walk different paths. Some of us will be doctors. Some of us will be school teachers. Some of us will be world travelers. Some of us will be human rights activists. Some of us will be security guards, landscapers, stay at home parents, coffee house owners, and the list goes on… But no matter what it is, we are called to keep in mind what the Lord has planned for us, even if we don’t know exactly what that is every moment of every day. We are given desires and passions and dreams for a reason. They are not to be ignored. They are put on our hearts by no mistake. Whatever they may be, when they are God given, we are called to pursue them. And sometimes that means throwing out the window expectations that others have placed on us or that we have placed on ourselves. Because sometimes what we are called to be and called to do, doesn’t exactly match up with what we originally planned for ourselves, or what our parents or teachers or bosses or spouses planned for us. But it doesn’t matter. Because we only get one life on earth to live. And we are each given a purpose and a plan. Sometimes we have to take the back roads, those being the ones less traveled. Sometimes we have to throw out the window our map or GPS. Sometimes we have to jump when the Lord tells us to jump and just trust Him. Sometimes we have to take big leap forwards and get our feet dirty from time to time (or every day). But that’s the beauty in life. It’s about adventure. It’s about discovering who you are. It’s about a journey that continues with every step you take and every morning you wake up. We were given life not to throw it away, but to embrace it. Live it. Be brave, courageous, and take a leap of faith.

With all of this brewing in my head and my heart this summer, its been the biggest prayer on my heart that when I return to SMU; a campus that is all too well known for being a community of performance and expectation, where we expect of ourselves to have our resume jam packed, our calendars constantly penciled in, our to do lists continuously piling up, internships one after the next, and stepping forth into every campus activity and leadership position offered to us….all the while maintaining a spotless GPA…well it has been a prayer on my heart not to become absorbed by this culture and mindset. I want to live with purpose. And with passion. Not by expectations. Not by performance. Not by standards that the world has created for me to abide by and to judge myself accordingly. I am accountable to one man alone, and that’s Jesus Christ. My worth is not found in my resume. Or my GPA. Or in the amount of internships I rack up or what my bosses think of me. Or in my leadership positions. My worth is found in Him and in Him alone. Now that’s something worth living for.

If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that I don’t know what God has in store for me come post-graduation. Maybe it’s law school; something I’ve been planning on and preparing for my entire college career. Maybe it’s Teach for America. Maybe it’s going abroad for a year and traveling. Maybe it’s Seminary. Maybe it’s joining a missionary team and going to Uganda to serve. But whatever it is, all I know is that I need to listen to my heart and the passions and desires God puts on it. Because I want to go where He calls me. If He says go, I want to go. I want to listen to whatever it is that makes my heart beat faster and my clock tick. I want to live out my passions and dreams. And I don’t want to allow myself to be held back because I have decided for myself that I need to follow the countless expectations I have put on myself since the beginning. After all, maybe these expectations I have for myself, aren’t what God is calling me to fulfill. And if that’s true, as hard as it will be to let go of them, it’s going to be worth it. With one life to live, we must keep in mind what’s most important. Family. Friends. Community. Time with people. Time to stop and breathe and just LIVE. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important, when the world consumes you with expectations, and a drive for perfection and performance. It’s easy to lose sight in the midst of the culture we are immersed in every day. Sometimes it takes stepping back, being reminded from a friend, and slowing down long enough to allow God to speak His truth to you. To remind you that maybe what you’re living for and striving for, really isn’t what it’s all about. And maybe if we just took a little more time each day to slow down, to let God in and speak to us…well then maybe we would find ourselves living very differently. In the midst of a summer busy with work, I have learned just how crucial it is to slow down and live. To not let life become so crazy that I’m not even living. It’s been such a blessing to be living and working in a city that, yes although it’s incredibly fast paced and people go non stop, to make it a priority NOT to be engulfed by that sort of living. I made it a personal goal of mine before moving here and I’m happy to say that I have accomplished it well. To stand out from the rest. Slow down more. Slow my pace on the street and make more time for what’s important. Because after all, the last thing I want is to look back on my life years from now, and realize I lived it all too quickly and all to limited by schedules and fast paced speed, that I forgot to actually live…

Overwhelmed by the Greatness of God

2010-03-13T08:57:00.000-08:00

The other day I was sitting out on the beach, taking a closer look at Isaiah 40 and Psalm 8, and came to realize that I was faced with a difficult task: trying to wrap my head around the greatness of God. This idea is something that has been on my mind for quite some time now as the Lord has begun to open my eyes, my heart, my mind and my spirit to more of who he is-and as he has done so, he has shown me just how BIG he really is. Everything about him. His grace. His beauty. His power. His affection for me. His forgiveness and perfect mercy. His strength. His unconditional love.

To think...that the God of the universe is jealous for me.

To think...that the creator of heaven and earth desires all of me.

To think...that he would even want anything to do with me.

To think...me, a wretched sinner who falls off the righteous path on a daily basis, is desired for by God.

To think...that me, a small human, like dust, like a grasshopper, who can be blown away by a breath of his wind and will someday wither like the grass, is unconditionally loved by Jesus.

To think...He laid his life down so me, a poor sinner, could live.

To think...me, who is prideful, who takes for granted the love he offers me daily through countless ways, who forgets to put Him in my day, who acts as if I am my only refuge or saving grace at times, who builds my riches up on earth sometimes more than I'd like to admit, who can be two-faced, a liar, a cheater, who causes pain onto others, who spends money foolishly at times, who can be so full of my desires of the flesh, who spends my time serving myself instead of God and his people, who has a jealous heart, who forgets to speak with love, who becomes irrational, impatient and impulsive at times, who can be all to ungrateful at times...this girl, this very girl...is forgiven and loved by the God of the Universe.

Now that, is one incredibly insane thought to wrap my head around. I am completely unworthy of His perfect love. He is everything I am not. A perfect grace. Undeserved. Taken for granted. Freely given to me.

I hope you will take the time to read through Isaiah 40 and Psalm 8. They aren't that long, but they are full of richness. The words spoken in both of these will undoubtedly and inevitably open your eyes to more about who is God of ours his-that is, just how great he truly is.

Anyone who knows me, can testify to my sin. They have either seen me commit it, wallow in it, become absorbed by it, or even complacent to it at times. I am not here to convey myself as anyone worthy of the blood of the Lamb. I am not here to convey myself as someone who is always gracious, always loving, always a good friend, a good sister, and good daughter. I am not here to convey myself as anything except who I really am: a sinner. One who has given into and been covered by sin, at times so much that I felt like I was drowning or at least barely keeping my head above water. When I look at my past history, there is no way I could win an argument against Christ that I am worthy of any sort of grace. Not one droplet of mercy should be given to me after the depth of my sin is laid out on the table. But what does the Lord tell me? What is his response to all of this?

"That her inequity has been removed, that she has received of the Lord's hand double for all her sins" (Isaiah 40:2).

When I read something like this, I am overwhelmed. The glory of the Lord floods over my broken bones and weary body. There is freedom to be found. Complete freedom from the chains of all of my sin that have held me down for far too long. And when I experience this freedom-it is then that I am experiencing the glory of God in all its greatness. His righteousness. My unrighteousness. They merge and what do I receive? I receive the Lord's hand double for all my sins.

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, And marked off the heavens by the span, And calculated the dust of the earth by the measure, And weighed the mountains in a balance And the hills in a pair of scales?" (Isaiah 40:12)

Look around you-for just a moment even, stop and look around you. Listen to the rain. Watch the sun setting over the horizon. Stare endlessly down that long dirt road that seems to run forever endlessly. Everything that was created. Everything that is in front of your eyes that you can see, or smell, or touch or feel...none of that was created by our own doing. When you really stop to look around you and see how beautiful this creation really is-it truly will overwhelm you. So stop. Slow down. Breathe. Let creation sink into you for just a moment even. Let it radiate through your soul. Let it take over your busy mind. Let it capture your innermost being. This creation, this wonderfully made creation-made by the same God who desires me. The same God who is so great and powerful enough to create such beauty, desires all of me. He is jealous for my love. This love is the love of a jealous kind. And to think how often I desire other things before God...I consider other things, or at least, I act as if I do, (which actions seem to explain what it is we value more than anything) of greater value or importance. I idolize. I put worldly treasures first. I seek them out instead of searching for the heart of God. Academics, my physical body/appearance, certain people/friends and relationships in my life, my future, money, material objects, desires of the flesh, my resume, status, reputation....the list is endless! These are just a few of the things I put before God, desiring and valuing these before him. How can I even compare the value, the worth, the importance of any of these with the greatness of God?! Pretty foolish don't you think? These are simply nothing. They too are like dust that will fade. Worldly treasures that will never fulfill, will never love me, will never save me, will never do anything but distract me from what this life I'm living is truly all about. All of these things...."Scarcely have they been planted, Scarcely have they been sown, Scarcely has their stock taken root in the earth. But He merely blows on them, and they wither, And the storm carries them away like stubble." (Isaiah 40:24).

There is absolutely nothing of comparison on this earth to the greatness of our Lord. I live my life all too often (more than I would like to admit) with a likeness for these before Him. "To whom then will you liken Me that I would be his equal?" (Isaiah 40:25). How foolish it is that I live as if any of these things are equally like God....in worth or in greatness. Now you and I can say by our words what we value. But it is our actions which will always speak louder, and in many cases, convict us and humble us, as they define our values. They help to point out if we are likening anything to be equal compared to God.

You see, I do not escape the Lord. And neither do you. You will never escape his care for you. This Lord, who hung the stars in the sky (Isaiah 40:26) CARES for you. Cares for me. My small broken self does not escape the affection of the Lord. The God who created the stars is powerful and it is by that same power, that He also cares for me. Nothing escapes him. And how amazing is it to think, that the creator of all the heavens and the earth-that same God, cares deeply for me? How worthy he is of our praise-that he would even stop for a second to grant us his care and attention. (Isaiah 40:29). How undeserving of his love am I. He is good and kind and great. I am a sinner, weak, small, running in my shape, complacent in my sin. So I have nothing to do except cry out for forgiveness. I give into all wordly pleasures, placing them before him too many times to count-a God so great he created this all. And yet, a God so great, and so good, he loves me enough to forgive me of all of that sin. How do I even come before Him? I am covered in my sin, I have nothing to offer Him but my broken heart. I am left with the resounding words of these lyrics playing in my head:

"So I offer up my life. It's all that I have to give.

And confess that I have sinned. Praise the Lamb, Praise the Lamb who was slayed."

I am left with a loss of words. A sinner who has but the world first, before Him who died for me-He still wants me! He forgives me, he loves me unconditionally despite what I have done. With that one sacrifice, I am forever forgiven. All of my sin. Gone as far as the East from the West and he remembers it no more. I am undeserving. He deserves so much more me me. I am left humbled. I am left overwhelmed. By a God so great, who has already done it all-forgiven me and stood by me. Never let me down and never let me go. I have been made new. By his sacrifice, I am granted life. And it is times like these where I can't help but thank him. Thank him for humbling me enough. For giving me a greater glimpse into the depth of my sin and the depth of his love for me. I am thankful for the conviction, that I may be led to repent and receive his perfect forgiveness. A love so undeserving, I am left without words. It is times like these, where I can feel my heart being awaken, where I can feel the Holy Spirit stirring in me, calling me.

A broken friendship: Feeling the pain of unmet expectations

2010-03-09T08:42:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago at small group, we went through Luke 4: 38-39, talking about the healing power of Jesus. I was tired when I came to small group and to be completely honest, my mind was not feeling exactly "open" to taking in anything. My heart seemed to be a part from my body when I walked into the door, but where exactly it was, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that it was somewhere far away hurting. Feeling the bleeding and the scarring and the open wounds of a broken friendship. It was torn. It was left there to bleed, all the while I was doing everything I could do hold the tears back. So I walked into my small group, with repressed tears and a bleeding heart that I couldn't seem to even locate. I had tried to take my heart and all its feelings out of me the past few days prior to this small group, because the pain I was feeling was almost too much to bear. I decided that maybe becoming numb to it all would be better then feeling the hurt and pain. Typing this now, I am almost led to laugh at myself, for the way I responded to this is all to typical for me. I feel the hurt, I experience the pain. And my flesh is led to try and become numb to it all. Numb enough so I won't feel the pain. Numb enough so if the scar becomes an open wound, maybe it won't bleed as much as it normally would. Anyone who knows me well enough can testify that this is true of me. To be completely honest, its something about me that I've always been ashamed about. I hate that I do that. That I shut down, push it all out, try to become numb to it all. It's a nasty habit of mine that I have done my entire life, although I was unaware that I did it until I started getting called out on it. A perfect demonstration of accountability-thank you to that person who loved me enough to call me out on it. You know who you are.

My issue with becoming numb and putting up walls and shutting down is a topic for another day. For now, let me go back to where this all started with small group. This tangent I have gotten off on does relate to the story, I promise. What I was originally saying, is that I came to small group broken hearted, beat up and with a close mind. All I wanted to do was sleep it all away. I was tired. Restless. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Confused. And overwhelmed. I wanted an escape. I wanted a way out. I had been feeling this way for a couple weeks but each day it hadworsened. That is, until this Tuesday evening small group. My reasoning for feeling this heart ache and brokenness? It was the result of a broken friendship. My reasoning for mentioning this Tuesday night small group so many times? Because it is here where God found me, rescued me, opened up my spirit and my heart to his, and led me to a beautiful escape with him. It's as if he literally came down, picked me up, dusted off my dirty shirt, wiped the tears from my face, and placed his hand over my broken heart. It was in this very moment where I could feel how much the Lord loves me. I had been running in shame because of my disappointment and anger with myself. I was angry with how I had hurt this friend of mine. Angry at myself. Ashamed at my actions that had hurt her so badly, all of which I did unintentionally, which perhaps made it even worse. I was disappointed in myself, upset with myself, so frustrated with myself, for I had hurt someone who always had meant so much to me. Someone who confided in me. Someone who loved me unconditionally. A real friend who I had hurt-in so many ways. And what was even worse, is that I was completely unaware for so long just how badly I was hurting her. I was unaware of just how many things I was doing that were causing her pain in this friendship. I was ignorant. I was removed. I was completely unaware. This, more than anything else is why I was feeling the broken heart-not just because the friendship was at a breaking point, but because so much of what happened to make it become broken, was a result of my actions in the friendship, my behavior, that was unintentionally hurting this friend so badly...and I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. If that isn't a bold face reminder of my humanity and the depth of my sin...A reminder of just how capable we are of hurting others because we are human, we are sinners, we are not perfect. It was humbling really. To be reminded of what my flesh is capable of. To be reminded of just how sinful and human I really am.

Okay, now, back to the beginning....Luke 4:38-39. As the evening continued at small group, I could feel the Lord pulling at my heart. And it hurt. Because like I said, I wanted to be numb to it all. All the pain that I was feeling from this broken friendship. So when he started pulling at my heart with scripture, he was making me think about it. Relating everything to this broken friendship. And you know what I realized? I realized that not only was I so upset because I was becoming aware finally, of how much I had hurt this friend, but it was also because I was indeed hurt myself. This friend of mine, this dear friend, had hurt me to. She had, unintentionally just like me, without even knowing it, caused me so much pain. And the worst part was that she didn't even know she had done it. I know her heart well enough that I know she never would intend on hurting me. But like me, she too is human. And so like me, she caused pain. I was feeling the affects of past inequities that she had done unto me that, for the first time, I was realizing really did hurt a lot worst then I had ever let on before. A lot more then I had ever fully realized. Her and I are the same. Human. Sinners. Capable of causing great pain in one another's lives. And we did.

This small group of mine is one of the greatest blessings in my life. They make me talk about it. About the hurt and the pain. Even when I want to shut down and cry and hold back. They make me open up. Because they want me to experience the God of all comfort. For you girls-thank you. Your accountability and your love for me means so much more then you will ever know. You see, that's exactly what they did-or rather, that's exactly what God used them for on this night. He showed me comfort. A comfort that I would not have experienced had I not been challenged to talk about the pain. Healing is good, this is true. But where does healing come from? It comes from first feeling the pain. Pain can yield healing, it can eventually lead to healing, and with the power and grace of the Lord, it will. But we must first take off the temporary bandages that we have put over the wounds to stop the bleeding. We must first be willing to feel the pain, experience the hot tears running down our face, let the blood of the deep cut run until it can run no longer. We must feel the pain before we can experience the healing. Needless to say, healing is hard. It's a process. It's baby steps. It can take a long time. It's hard because it forces you to feel the pain. Forces you to feel what it is that is making you so desperate and in need of healing. But you see, that's the beauty of it all-because there is healing. There is a band aid that is not just temporary, but its permanent-and it's called the love and grace of Jesus Christ. He promises to mend our broken hearts. We can't escape him. Thus, we can't escape his healing power. So long as we live in this world, there will be pain. We live in a broken world, one we were not created to live in. But the Lord promises to not forsake us. He will not leave us. In times of darkness, in times of shame and loneliness-he promises to pull us through. No matter what we do, no matter what we are feeling, he is never far away.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (The God of all comfort)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also are you sharers of our comfort."

When we read through this at small group on that Tuesday night, a cord was struck in my heart. For the first time in a couple weeks, there was a sense of peace brought to this weary heart of mine. And so I couldn't help but cry. And if you know me, you know I don't do that very often. But the Lord shook me so much, he pulled my heart out of the hiding place I thought I had left it, and he made me feel. Yes, there was the feeling of pain. But greater then this was the feeling of comfort. The feeling of his love wrapping around my broken bones. The feeling of his godliness accepting my humanness, in all of my sin, and just taking me as I was. Broken. Bruised. Dirty. Covered in shame. Covered in sin. I was hurting. My heart was broken. Broken because I had hurt a friend and broken because she had hurt me. And he took me in all my humanity and showered comfort on me. Poured it on in the midst of the suffering. He did exactly what he said he would do.

The beautiful part of it all, is that God was already aware of my heart. He already knew what it was feeling. He already knew what it was desiring. Let me offer myself here open and honestly with something that my heart, as a woman of God, has an extreme need of: I have a needing to be needed. I want others to need me. I want others to confide in me, to trust me enough with their heart that they will share it with me and allow me to see it as it really is. It's one of my deepest needs: to be needed. Interesting don't you think? Another thing that I do, or that I find myself doing more often then I would like to admit, is that I look to others to provide for my needs. Instead of letting the Lord meet my needs, instead of depending completely on him and the truth that he will supply, I look to others. I look to close companions. I look to people. But more specifically, not just "people," but to my closest friends. And so this is what I did with this particular person. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to trust me enough so that she would confide in me. I wanted all of her heart. But what I realized was pretty selfish of me was that, although I wanted all of her heart, I wasn't willing to give her mine. And for awhile, she really did need me. Or at least I felt like it. And it felt good of course, because one of my deepest desires, to be needed, was being fulfilled. I was looking to her to fulfill that desire. I wanted to be needed, and there she was needing me, so of course I felt content. But then time went on and things changed, and soon she didn't need me like she once did. And that hurt. All of a sudden my desire to be needed was no longer fulfilled by her because she wasn't needing me like she used to. I was hurt. I became angry although I didn't realize at the time just how upset it really made me. And apart from all of this, I realized that I had been looking for her to meet some of my other needs. I wanted her to love me exactly how I thought she did. I wanted her to give me all of her heart and take what I gave her of my heart and cherish that. No, I didn't give her my whole heart, but what I did I wanted her to save it and hold on to it. I wanted her to give me all the love in the world-and more. In a nutshell, I was depending on her for what I should have been depending on God for. I was looking for her to fulfill desires of mine that only God can provide and fulfill. I was placing expectations on her-expectations to always love me how I though was necessary, to always be here for me, to never let me down, to never hurt me. All of these are expectations we should be looking to God to uphold. Because he does and he has and he always will. But I was looking to her to meet these expectations. They went unspoken-for I never told her I expected these things from her. But they also were expectations I didn't even know I was making for her. They were unrealistic, but I put them on her. It's like a high jump event at a track meet-when the coach demands that the bar be placed so high without even thinking twice about it-and he just assumes that you'll make it over. Well, that's what I did. I just assumed that this friend of mine could make the jump. That she could live up to this bar, this idealistic expectation of mine. An expectation that only God can uphold. One that I certainly could not dream of upholding myself in all my wildest dreams. Even if I tried. I would fail. Anyone would.

Luke 6:35 "But love...and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return"

Job 41:9 "Behold, your expectation is false."

My expectations put on this friend were false, for the simple fact that I put expectations on her at all! Not to mention, they were completely unrealistic. I know this sounds strange, trust me I do. It sounds strange to say that we shouldn't put expectations on one another. As if by saying that, I am also insulting her-saying that she is not worthy to have any expectations put upon her by me. That's not what I'm trying to portray here-and I certainly do not mean it as any sort of insult, but not expecting anything from her, or anyone for that matter. What I'm saying is that the Lord calls us to expect great things from Him. But how often do we forget this and put these expectations on one another? We look to the world to fulfill our deepest needs and desires. All along, God knows all of these, even the ones we are unaware of. He is the ultimate fulfillment. Yet, we turn to the world and to one another to fill them? Hmmm....something about that doesn't quite make sense. Time and time again the world lets us down. It will continue to. And when it comes to friendship-I am a firm believer that a true friend, a real friend, will never let you go. But that is not equivalent to saying he/she will never let you down. And I must admit that far too often I mesh those together and see them as the same thing. I start believing that a real friend will never, or should never at least, let me down. I forget that not letting me go is not the same as letting me down. A real friend can let me down and will let me down, but still never let me go. Because we are human-we will hurt one another. We will let one another down. We will truly never be enough for the other person. We can't be. We can't be another person's everything. Only God can be. God blesses us deeply and richly when he gives us a close friend. An unforgettable friend. A friend who will, despite anything that happens, will never let us go. That is the mark of a true friend in my book. But that does not mean he/she will not let me down. And it is not fair to that person for me to expect that she will never let me down, or disappoint me, or hurt me. Because, just as she will, so too will I towards her. I will hurt her, I will let her down, I will disappoint her. That's what happened. That's what has happened. We have hurt one another. We have failed to meet one another's unspoken, unrealistic expectations that we set for one another that we didn't even know we were setting or putting on the other person to meet. And so when the other person, in all her humanity and imperfection, failed to meet those expectations, the other person fell hard. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. The fall was a long and hard one because the expectation was so high and so big. We expected too much. And when we couldn't meet these expectations for one another, we were left falling. We hit the ground. And our hearts were broken. And now we're left feeling the repercussions of it all.

I had needs and desires and expectations for you friend. I wanted you to meet all of these. Time and time again, since the beginning of this friendship, this wonderful friendship, I wanted and expected certain things from you-from this friendship of ours. I forgot to look to God to find all of these things. For him to fulfill all of these within me. I doubted when he told me that he will be the supplier of all my needs. Rather, what I was actually saying was this: "But this friend of mine God, she can fulfill that need for me." The minute you let me down I was crushed. The minute you didn't meet my expectations, I got angry. I got hurt. I got disappointed and sad.

What would the world be like if we didn't place these unrealistic expectations on one another? On any relationship-family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, anything? How different would our world be if we started looking solely to God to fulfill our everything, as we have been called to do since the beginning? We have all these things, such a long list of things that we want a significant other person, such as a close friend, to meet and the minute they don't we are crushed. What then do we do? Well, in my experience with this friend, our response has been this: we drive miles of distance in between us. We do it out of the anger we have towards one another. We do it out of the hurt that has come from letting one another down and the anger that has come from feeling let down. We don't want to be let down, hurt or have our expectations go unmet anymore. We don't want to risk letting the other person hurt us so badly again, so we create distance. We drive a wedge and a mountain in between us. Wide enough and tall enough and big enough so we can be sure that we will never again be hurt. We make certain that this person can never get close enough to us, close enough to our hearts, that they will hurt us again. We lock up, we shut down, we get angry and we get passive aggressive. And before you know it, so much time has passed that we become complacent and numb in the friendship-if you can even call it a friendship anymore. We don't think about it. It's simply a part of the past now. A painful memory that we wish to keep far away from our heart and mind so that we don't have to feel the pain. We try to keep it far away, for we know it creeps up close enough to the forefront of our heart and mind, then we will be faced with thinking about it. And thinking about it means we will have to feel something. And that feeling something will involve pain. The band aid will have to be removed. The blood will have to be set free to flow. The scar will open up.

Dear friend, what I pray is this: that you and I will both remember the truth that the Lord promises us in 2 Corinthians as our God of all compassion and comfort: He promises to comfort us. He promises to heal us. To comfort and heal us from this pain. This pain that has been boiling in us and trapped in us and this friendship for far too long. He promises to bring healing, but we must realize that we are being healed from past pains-pains that hurt. And we cannot fully experience that healing if we refuse to feel the pain. We cannot fully experience the amazing healing power of Jesus Christ in this friendship if we continue to be numb to the pain, to be complacent, to leave it buried in the past as a past and painful memory that we hope to never re visit again. If we let our anger get the best of us. If he let the hurt and the pain and awful ache that it has caused-and the anger that it has produced as a result-swallow us whole. If we shut down our hearts to the idea of forgiveness-real forgiveness...then healing can never come. If we push the past aside as something that never happened, if we refuse to be open and honest with one another about our hurting and our grievences, if we pretend as if none of this happened at all-then the heart will only grow harder towards one another. Christ alone is the only one who can soften our hearts. In our flesh, in our humanity, we cannot do it alone. Christ alone is the only one who can allow us to forgive as he forgave. We alone, cannot do it. There is forgivness to be found. There is healing in this friendship yet to be discovered. There is maturity and growth to be experienced. The question is: are you ready to find it? Are you ready to discover it? Are you ready to allow the Lord to move in you and your heart so that you can experience it? Dear friend, I am praying for you.

Dear Friend

2010-03-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

Right now I thank God, for he is good. I am sitting in this coffee house (another favorite of mine) with her. With this girl, this friend who means more to me than life itself. And as I look up to see what she is doing, I cannot help but smile. Because this girl, this girl sitting right across the table for me, is a gift from God. She doesn't always get it when I tell her that. But it's the truth. If only she could get inside my mind and heart for the moment and feel what it is I feel with her. Feel what it is when I think of her. When I look up and see her writing away, reading away, doing whatever it is she may be doing. Then, well maybe then, she would understand what I mean when I say she is a blessing from God. He really must have known what he was doing when He gave me such a friend. He really must have known just how much in need of her I was. If ever I am asked a time and a place where I experience the love of Christ the most-I would say whenever and wherever I am with this friend of mine. Time of day is irrelevant. Location is irrelevant. Form of communication is irrelevant. The Lord loves me through her more than she will ever know. He radiates his love onto me through this friend. He uses her in my life more than anyone could be used I think. I am constantly amazed by how much I see God loving me through her. And to think-it's only the beginning of a very long and endless friendship.

But right now, we're sitting together at this coffee house. Which is normal for us. Because, well, that's something we do. And I'm diving into scripture, theology and being challenged by her wisdom and faith, though she doesn't even know she's challenging me. She tells me she is constantly learning from me, but hardly stops to realize how much the wisdom that the Lord has blessed her with is impacting my every day. And its at this very moment that I realize I am so lucky because I am constantly surrounded by this sort of an environment. Or at least I have the utter and complete fredom to be in this sort of an environment. One where Jesus is the center of the conversation. Where I am constantly being pushed deeper in my faith, challenged by others wisdom and surrounded by those who love Christ and know the heart of God. Those who wish to love him beside me, walk beside me to draw nearer to the heart of who he really is. Who desire to know him more, love him deeper. Who want to find joy in the pain, who turn to him with anxieties and burdens of this world. And who remind me to do the same. An environment where I am reminded to trust God completely, find my peace and joy in him. I am encouraged to seek him, draw near to him, for he will draw near to you. (James 4). I am pushed to let myself find him in the quiet of a busy day. To look for him in everyone. To be constantly living a lifestyle of prayer and purpose-that I may grow his kingdom with those who share my passion-or the passions of my heart. I am constantly being poured into; so that I may then pour out onto others. Whether its at bible study or small group, a car ride and late night coffee or sonic run, a shared mix cd with powerful lyrics, or anything else...I find authentic conversation, a real community. Washed over by his love, accountability without having to ask twice, truth and grace int he same place.

Yes, I am blessed by this. By this community. By this environment. The countless experiences on a day to day basis, no matter how simple-they are never insignificant. I find real love in friendship. I find a hand to hold me firm in the ground when my faith is shaken. I am reminded of the cross when darkness falls upon me. I am reminded to not fear when all seems lost, but to rest in the power of the cross. Simple words of his truth spoken to me through others and through experiences-always creatively, always unexpectedly. All I have to do is slow down long enough to hear them. To hear his voice amidst a lifestyle that can sometimes be so full of clutter, pointless noise, to do lists, schedules full of things we aren't called to do, stress and 100 mph speed of living...amidst all of this he has called me to get lost in his love. Lost in the heart of Christ. Lost in his grace and peace. Lost in his touch. Lost in my Savior. Washed over by a heart that loves me more then I can understand. Feels like water cleansing my dirty skin.

A Love Encounter With Christ

2010-03-07T22:21:00.000-08:00

Today, I had a love encounter with Christ. The past couple of weeks, although tiring and hard, have been a time of awakening-or the beginning of an awakening for me. And especially since this past Thursday, I really have just felt God draw so near to me and felt him showing me more of himself known to me. His presence has been in this place-wherever this place has been exactly. I guess you could say it's been all over the place. Thursday I was sitting at Pearl Cup coffee house, Friday I was outside at Turtle Creek Park, and today I find myself at Treasure Cay Island in the Bahamas. This "place" has not been stationary. It's moved across boarders and even across the country lines. But by no means has that stopped the Lord from being here. Right here, right now, in this place. Where I am, there he has been. He has been awakening my heart, drawing me closer to the heart of God and bringing me to times of complete stillness. Times where I can just stop and be. Times where for the moment, the world seems to stop and all else fades. And I am left alone with Jesus. Surrounded by my maker's presence and captivated by his beauty, his goodness and the greatnsss of his creation. He stops me long enough so I can listen and really hear him. He stops me so I can really feel him-all around me. I am in that place, that still-time moment where I cant help but smile and pray and praise him. Call out for him to be my everything. Call out for him to take all of it-all of my wants, my needs, desires, passions, disappointments, fears, inadequate feelings, sins, all of it-to take it and steal my life. All of who I am all of who I hope and dream and wish to be, all of what I think I'm not-and make it his. Because I am his. My life is his life.

A beautiful love encounter with Jesus. And what's even cooler, is even thought he past few days have been a re occurring love encounter with him, I know its not even about the "feeling" per se. And so I have hope, that even though my heart still desires for this "feeling" that comes with this love encounter to be even more powerful and more real, I know its okay. Because its still just as real, just as powerful, and just as much from God as anything. So I am thankful for that. It is so much more than the feeling of it all. And that, I cannot help but think is a blessing. For the Lord to reveal himself even more beyond feelings. He is that big and that capable to be able to do such a thing. As humans, we constantly rely on the "feeling" of it all, or more so, the "right feeling." The right feeling of the first kiss, the right feeling of success, the right feeling of acceptance and love. But the truth is, all of these feelings are measured according to worldly standards. We look to the world to provide us with the answer as to what an adequate feeling is, to what a meaningful, the most meaningful feeling, really feels like. It almost makes me laugh, because God is so much bigger than that! So much bigger and more powerful then any of those feelings. Those feelings are only big enough to stick in a bottle. Those feelings barely scratch the surface. Those feelings could be kept inside a box and would never be pressing hard enough to escape because they are that small and trapped and limited. God is bigger. I am here to tell you, that God is bigger then that bottle, bigger then that box. God doesn't just scratch the surface. He explodes it.

Lord I pray that you put this fear of mine to rest. A fear that you are already completely aware of. You knew about it before I did. You know my hearts' needs before I do. So this fear of mine-that this passion I have to draw near to you will soon fade-well that this very fear, you were already aware of. And I want to surrender it to you God. I don't want to believe in it because it is a lie. Lord may I surrender this fear of mine, completely to you. Do not let it sink into me as truth. Overcome this fear Lord. And so instead of believing this, I cry out to you these lyrics that speak so well to my heart (David Crowder):

Send me a sign. A hint. A whisper.

Throw me a light. Cuz I am listening.

Come break the quiet. Breathe your awakening.

Bring me the light. Cuz I am fading.

Surround me with a rush of angels, awake.

Shine your lights o I can see you.

Pull me up, I need to be near you.

Hold me, I need to feel loved.

Can you overcome this heart thats overcome?

This Lord, is a prayer of my heart. I pray for, day after day, more love encounters with you. I will continue to draw near to you Lord. And you promise in James 4:8, that if I do then you will draw near to me.

James 4:8

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

So I will hold onto that promise. I pray for continued awakening. Awaken this heart of mine. Open these eyes. That I may be completely aware of my creator. That i may be totally overwhelmed by your presence, your jealous love of a hurricane for me, and completely in awe of our beauty, your great affection for me, and the great power of your hands. I pray that you will do whatever you have to do to wake up this sleepy heart of mine and set it on fire for you alone-my Savior, my God. This is a prayer that I have been coming to you with for quite some time. But like you tell me in Matthew 7:7-8, I will continue knocking at your door, seeking you, asking you to answer Lord. And according to your will and perfect timing, I know you will.

Matthew 7:7-8

Ask and it will be given to you, seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives, and he who seeks, finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

But I must draw near to you. This is a conviction you have made known to me and I thank you for making me aware of that. That I must draw near to you. Something I have neglected doing for quite some time. I have been complacent in my drawing near to you. And for that I cannot do anything but seek your forgiveness. I must draw near to you and seek you. Lord you will find me. You will wake me up, reveal more of who you are to me, set my heart on fire for you so that I cant help but fall on my knees in a beautiful surrender and in complete worship for who you are. I want to encounter more real then ever, the love of God. Blow up my mind God. Open my heart God and open up my spirit God-to you and to a love encounter with you. On that goes deeper then the deepest of blue seas.

And Lord I pray this for my friends as well. That their hearts and spirits would be opened to you and to a love encounter with you. More real than ever before. Lord I pray the lyrics to "How he loves" (David Crowder)

He is jealous for me.

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions, eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful you are

And how great your affections are for me

And O, how he loves us all

O, how he loves us

How he loves us all

Yeah, he loves us, O, how he loves us

O, how he loves us, O, how he loves us.

A beautiful love encounter with our creator Jesus. Thank you Lord, with everything I have, thank you. Spirit fall down on me.

"Spirit Fall" (Phil Wickham)

How we need your light, guide us in your grace, guide us home

Lord, be all that we can see

We ask for you to come, we are on our knees

Save us by your grace. Lead us home

Spirit, fall. Hear the voices of, your children call out to you

We bow down. Hear the broken heart.

Have mercy on us now

Love is pouring from your heart

Hope is in your hands, life is in your arms

Here in your embrace, we are home

Glory, all the power is yours, Amen.

Yellow Light: Time to Slow Down

2009-12-31T00:10:00.001-08:00

Reading through the Ragamuffin Gospel last night, I cam upon Psalm 8. After turning the lights off, my music was playing softly and as I listened I heard lyrics that closely resembled this Psalm from Third Day’s “The Offering.” When things like this happen, I cannot help but think God is trying to get my attention…and when I open my heart to his truth and my eyes and ears to the many ways he may chose to speak to me, I find him in things like what happened tonight: scripture and song lyrics colliding. Scripture that was pulled from a book I am reading. It is times like these, where although some may call it coincidence, I like to think of it as God calling our attention to really listen. He grabs at our hearts and steal sour eyes and thoughts from anything that may be consuming or distracting us. And in a quiet still moment like last night, as I lie awake simply breathing, the Lord opened my heart to receive his truth.

Many times I find myself frustrated, thinking I am never hearing or seeing God. Frustrated, feeling my heart is receiving nothing. But then God reminds me, as he humbles me completely, that it is not that he is not speaking to me, moving all around me and through me, or pouring into my heart all the time-but rather I am simply too busy to listen. Too busy to watch and to feel. I am the one too busy for God, not the other way around. Imagine that, ironic isn’t it? We are always so anxious and determined and thirsty to FEEL something. Yet all along we are too busy or distracted to feel the most important thing of all-the only thing that can truly fulfill all of our deepest longings and desires. God is constantly pouring his Holy Spirit into our hearts, just has he says in Titus 3: 5-6 “He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior.” And he constantly is showing us and teaching us his truth. We simply don’t take the time to look around us, to open our eyes and our ears. We get consumed and distracted by this all too busy world.

I believe in the power of calling on Christ to open our hearts, eyes, ears and minds to him. But I also believe that we must be willing to submit ourselves completely to him. For until we do, we will only continue to be too busy to see and hear and feel his truth. I cannot explain the peace that comes over me as I call on Christ, “Come Lord Jesus, Come” on an evening like last night…where I am completely still, letting all thoughts be carried away like the tides of the ocean. And as I call on him to meet me in this place, to quiet my heart and my busy mind, firmly believing that he will answer…well it is times like these where I hear him. I am no longer too busy to notice the connection between a song, a book and scripture. Coincidence though it may seem-I trust that I is God getting through to me and making me listing by ringing something like that in my heart. Coincidence after all is simply God’s way of reminding us he’s present. It is in the simple and quiet moments, when we allow God to speak rather then trying to do all the talking, that God may reveal himself in the most real and radical ways. He is never far away. If we would only take the time to slow down, watch and listen. I think then we would find a taste of serenity being completely filled by his presence in this place-completely aware of his love and the pouring out of this Holy Spirit onto us.

Psalm 8: 1, 3-4 “O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all of the earth! When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?”

“Offering” (Third Day): “Magnificent, Holy Father. I stand in awe of all I see. Of all the things you have created, and still you choose to think of me. Who am I that you should suffer your very life to set me free? The only thing that I can give you is the very life you gave to me. This is my offering, dear Lord.”

The Pulse of a Beating Heart

2009-12-30T23:53:00.000-08:00

I am blessed. The Lord has blessed me in countless ways through he gift of community, relationships and love in friendship. When I look around I cannot help but notice that my world would be of so much less value and so less meaningful if I didn’t have the ones I love surrounding me. Last night I was reminded of just how precious, important and meaningful relationships and community really is. The joy that comes form love in friendship is unmistakable and irreplaceable. It is unique and rare. And something that should be, and can never be treasured too much. Yes the accountability part is difficult. And yes so is the hard truth. But in any real friendship-if it’s a real friendship at all-must involve both truth and grace. Without accountability, the foundation becomes unfirm. You might as well build your house on quick sand. If you authentically love and genuinely care about one another then you will hold one another accountable-not because it’s easy but because you love and care. Their heart is your heart. If it breaks so too does yours. If it cries out in joy, then yours cries out as well. Sometimes it can be far too easy to lose sight of the meaning and importance behind community with one another. We let our time become consumed by things that are far less important. Suddenly to-do lists and our busy lifestyles get the best of us. Before we know it we have become slaves to our calendars and scheduling books. We being to make less and less time for one another. Sharing life becomes less of a priority as we begin to sadly confuse and seriously mix up our priorities. We being making more time for things we say we value less and less time for things we value more-like community. We do not practice what we preach. We are now caught in a lie and humbled to our core. Our practice fails our theory. My priorities have certainly been pretty screwed up lately. And what I say I value has not been what my actions would prove to justify. Accountability was lost. Hard trust became a less relevant and more foreign term. And what I’ve noticed is this: as distance is created (inevitably as a result of less time being poured into sharing life together), walls are put up. And not just walls-but barricades! We get less vulnerable and put them up around the depths of our inner most beings and hearts. Or at least I can say this is true for me. Suddenly I feel the need to hide the dirty hallways of my heart. I panic that others-those that I love and who love me-will somehow think less of me. It’s a slippery slope and a vicious cycle. And if we don’t catch one another, it is a cycle that can be stayed on for far too long. I don’t know about you, but this is a cycle I want absolutely nothing to do with. Since I’ve come to college and finally learned for the first time in my life about the beauty of community and the real meaning of it, it has become water for me. I thirst for it and when I don’t have it, I don’t feel well at all. We must be poured into before we can ever hope to pour into others. How can we do that without making time for one another? Sharing life together is not and should never be an obligation-but it most certainly is a blessing and a heavenly joy that should be taken full advantage of rather then taken for granted. I have been molded, matured and grown into the person I am today because of these special relationships and strong community that God has blessed me with and used in countless ways. I have been poured into and over flown by love in friendship. Sometimes I consider myself spoiled by it-as if I’m one of the lucky ones who really knows what it feels like to be surrounded by a faithful and grounded community of friends who feel like family. Friends who have come into my life, left footprints on my heart and made me a part of their storybook called life. Friends who deserve a title so much more than “friends” because they are a community that feels like home. Coming home to them is like coming home. I never thought possible to be cared about and discipled and loved the way that I have been since I’ve come to college.

I admit that my priorities have gotten mixed up. Lord knows I have valued by my actions those things which I believe in my heart are of significantly less importance compared to authentic relationships. Last night it hit me that it makes perfect sense as to why life is simply better lately-it’s because the importance ahs begun to be put back on friendship and community. I thank you God for convicting me and opening my eyes to your truth. To this truth. And I thank you for how you have done so through those who love me-who have noticed me slipping away from community and in a loving way have pulled me back. Through these friends you have showed me my wrongs in a truthful yet graceful manner. Thank you for having them reach out to me, hold me accountable, feed me hard truth and love me through it all. And I thank you for reminding me in countless ways recently, the beauty and necessity and joy that is to be found in community with loved ones. Thank you for reminding me that it is water to my lips and a beating pulse to my heart. I have realized just how much this type of rare love is to be treasured and valued. And I’m still realizing it more and more each day as you show it to me in the smallest, yet most wonderful ways. The joy that my heart finds in it has been awaken. And I never want to lose sight of it again. I want the walls down. I want to be completely free. I want to receive truth and grace and to give both as well. I want to put into practice and live out in my daily life what it is I say I value. What Christ values is what my heart desires too-and I want my life to reflect that.

I am 20 years old and I have been shown love in friendship-authentic community. Something that many people may spend their entire lives searching for. I am blessed. I never knew what I was missing until I was given it. It has been found in this life of mine and I thank God for every piece of it. We were meant to live in community with one another after all. Just like the Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Our lives are called to reflect that and I cannot deny that that sort of community is something my heart desires and thirsts for. If our lives are made to reflect the Lords then of course we will desire what he desires: community. I long for it. Thank you God for pulling me back by your power and mercy from where I was losing sight of this truth. Thank you for loving me enough that you would surround me with true community-that I may see your love for me reflected in their lives and the ways they love me. I am overwhelmed by your love for me. I look around at these friendships that have become family-these real pieces of relationship-and I am overwhelmed by your presence here with me. I’m caught up in your goodness and completely aware of your beauty. I am left in wonder and awe at how much you love me. Or at least I’m getting a much better picture of it. That is enough to stop me in my tracks and leave me speechless as I fall down on my knees, wrapped up in your love. I have felt your touch as you have touched me through the lives of others. This is the power of the Holy Spirit that cannot be properly explained in words but simply felt in the quenching joy of our hearts. My life is being changed by community. My life has been changed by your love. Community and true love in friendship-it’s a gift from you and its your Holy Spirit completely present-as we love one another and share life together. It’s Christ Jesus loving us through one another. So dear friend, if I can feel you loving me then I can rest assured that it is the Holy Spirit in you, God working through you to show me his love. And then I have no doubt that I’m feeling him and his love for me. God is present and that in itself is a heavenly present.

Resonate with the Word

2009-12-30T23:22:00.000-08:00

This evening, as I sit down to write this, I am truly only going to let the lyrics of the song “Offering” (Third Day) and the words from scripture 1 John 4:18 (There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love) resonate in my heart as I reflect and meditate on them. Whatever comes of it I will write down and trust that it is God putting in on my heart-what he wants me to hear, to learn, think and pray about. So Lord Jesus come. Come Lord Jesus Come. Help me to meditate on these lyrics and scripture, that I may be drawn closer to the heart of who you are and all that you have to show me. Open my heart and my mind to you alone Lord and your truth. And may it all be glorifying in your sight and pleasing to you. I come as your child to hear your truth. Speak to my heart o God…

Lord I want to be drawn closer to you. I want to be so overwhelmed by your love for me and the depth of my sin and the death you suffered on that cross for my sake, that I cannot help but fall down on my knees in sweet surrender to you and your love. Your love that showed me how to love. Showed me what it even meant-because you so loved me first. I want to wake up every morning and go to bed every evening with the desire to lay my life down as an offering. To just give it all to you, though it may seem like little, it is all I have. All I have is yours. But right now Lord, that “feeling” that I so badly want doesn’t seem to be there. I can’t seem to realize the depth of my sin or have the desire to surrender down before you on my knees. And then I fear that because of that ugly truth about myself, I will somehow be punished. Something will happen or be taken away as a form of punishment. And now Lord I am led to scripture where I find my only comfort as you tell me there is no fear in love! Perfect love drives out fear! Fear has to do with punishment and that is exactly what I have just experienced. My fear that that “feeling” will not come back or my desire to surrender is forever lost-it is that very fear that has led me to be fearful of wrath and punishment as I feel the weight of my sinful nature. Lord I want to be at rest in your peace knowing your love is perfect and I need not fear. But I also want to be able to look at that ugly sin of mine and then realize you still love me-to be completely overwhelmed that I fall down before you. So maybe it’s not all about the “feeling.” In fact I trust that it is not. Feelings come and go. I cannot equate the working power of the Holy Spirit for a feeling. You are constant-a never ending presence in my life. Feeling flee but you do not. I do not want my hope to be diminished because I do not “feel” what I want to. I want my hope to rest in the fact that you are always with me though feelings may come and go. It is so much more then feelings-it surpasses them all. God I want to look at the suffering in the world and still believe that you’re in it. And I want to suffer if only to become more faithful in you. And then I want to suffer on your behalf-as my lover and my father and my everything. And lay my life down before you as an offering, just as you came and gave up your own life so that a wretched sinner like me might live. I don’t want to live in fear or sleepless nights that you will forsake me. I don’t want to fear that a fire has not or will not burn within me for you. I want my life to be a reflection of how much I love you. Everything I do I want to follow you in it. I want my heart to be softened and my path made straight. I want to go where you want me to go and not according to my own plan. I want my life to reflect you God and not to spend my days going through the motions-doing things without passion or purpose-buffing up my resume or my pride as my integrity and humility fade. I want to be a light in this world so that others may know you and experience your love for them. And I want to take the time to look around me and see how much you love me. I so crave the desire-I want to have the desire even more-to know you, draw near to you, and completely rely and surrender to you and not this world. I want to be in chains of your love. My life-an offering to you my King.

Lost by the world. Found by Christ.

2009-12-30T23:19:00.000-08:00

Right now, although I feel lost, thirsty for community, thirsty for the Lord, and ready to release the sin that has been burdening me for far too long-I can say that what I truly want is exactly what the song lyrics “Holy One” (Rush of Fools) sings about. Because I have hurt so many people. I have become complacent and apathetic in my sin and my life. I have lied. I have run in shame and guilt. I have been a coward. I am beginning to see just how dark my sin is. What am I looking for? What am I longing for? What am I desiring and thirsting for? I’m tired of living like this. I want more. I want freedom. Complete freedom from all my deep dark sin. I want fire in me. Renewal of passion. I want t olive again-and not how the world tells me. I have to start somewhere. Do something. But I don’t know what that is or what that looks like. And for the first time I’m trying not to have it all figured out. Not to have the answers as to what I should do from here. I want to so badly just surrender to God and let him take me upon his wings-that I may soar into sweet freedom with him. Away from trying to figure it all out. And right now I have a pen in my hand and I have a Bible next to me. And all I really want is Jesus. I feel like I am drowning in so much dirt and filth. I want to live again. Be honest. Be faithful. Be on fire for the Lord. Because I am so prone to wander….like that Shawn McDonald song, “Hold On” speaks about. I am a wanderer and I so badly want the Lord to hold on to me. I want to hear him, see him, look for him, feel him and follow him. I want to be consumed by his love-every drip, like honey on my lips. I want him to pour out his water onto me so that I might take a sip. Because right now these are dark and lonely streets. And all I really need is him. I don’t want to be lost, confused and wandering anymore. I don’t want to be too proud to admit the truth. And I don’t want a band-aid to cover the wound. I want renewal. I want this busy mind to be cleared as he pours his mercy out on me. I want a new start. I want these chains of my sin to be broken. I want to live and love like Jesus. What am I looking for? I want to be looking for you, Christ. I have a sinful nature that has led me astray. My heart has given into desires of this world-that are not of you. That are unfulfilling. I want to put on the new self, created to be like you. I want to look for you and listen for you. And when I hear you and when I find you=I want to go with you. And do unto others as I would have done unto me. I want the Holy Spirit to pour down on me, cleanse me, and fill me. I’m sick of being tired, bored, lazy, complacent, impassionate and undriven in my faith and life being lived out for the Lord. I want to live a life completely opposite of all these definitions. I want to be naked in all my sin put before you Lord. Naked and broken I come before you. I want to be filled and on fire for you. I want my innermost being to overflow with joy and love for you. I want my life to be your life and to live today for you alone. I want to look around me in this messy and all too imperfect world and find you in all of it. Because you are good and you are perfect. I don’t want to hide or run. I’m tired of being ashamed when I look deep into myself. The hallways of my heart are messy and filthy. I am prideful. I am proud. I am a liar. I am so selfish. I am living a life where my faith and fire for the Lord and serving others has become lazy, apathetic and complacent. I’ve lied to myself only to make myself feel like this isn’t true. I’ve been in denial. But the brutal honest is this: it’s all true. That is how I’ve been living and how I feel. And lying to myself doesn’t help. The ache only deepens and the longing never ceases. A longing for something more. Something real-that these lies I tell to myself cannot provide, because they’re lies and will never be true. I lie to myself about things I long for. I wan them and so I lie to myself that I have them. But I don’t. I only wish I did. All I want is for them to be real. I long to be trustworthy. I long for my family and community. I long to be real-no lies allowed. I long to not feel ashamed or running in guilt. I long to not be apathetic or complacent. I long to be on fire for the Lord, for serving others and for life. I don’t want to lie to myself that these desires are fulfilled in my life right now because they are not. I have been looking all the wrong places to fulfill them. And lying to myself that I have them has done nothing but dig a deeper, lonelier hole in my heart-it has only made the thirst worse. I’m scared that I’m slipping. So far away that I won’t be able to make it back up-like I’ll be stuck here forever. Lord please save me from this awful state. Bring to be a better place. I want to feel again Lord. I want to be on fire again. I am so fearful that I am lost for good. This feels like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I can’t do this alone. God please hear my cry. Whatever is left for this heart to cry out-let it be real. Let it be from a place so real inside of me, that I cannot mistake it for anything but a truthful cry. Let me know that it is a real cry for help. I want to lay myself at your feet, my bare bones and this bare sole and this thirsty heart. I want to lay myself at the foot of your cross with my dirty feet and my dirty face and my sinful hands. And I want your grace. And your mercy. And your forgiveness. And your love. And I want to change. I want to change Lord. Because I love you. Because you first loved me. You have shown me how much you love me. I do not want to run ashamed at who I am-with these dark pockets of my heart. You see it all and still offer me your loving hand and merciful heart. You welcome me in. And I want my heart to be touched by you. I want my heart, my soul, my everything, to cry out to you . I can’t live complacent, going through the motions anymore-Lord get me out of here! Lord please save me. Show me you, truth, something, anything. You say for me to ask and I will receive. Well I ask for you alone. Nothing else. Just you. Please don’t leave me God. You are all I have and all I want to cling to. Where do I go? God, what do I do? And let me heart’s ache cry out to you a real cry for help. Lord do not leave me hear. Do not forsake me. Open up my eyes and ears and mind-so I can know, and hear and see. Open up my heart so I can love you more. I want to serve you God. I want to give you everything my King. Let the enemy not win but may your love overwhelm me so much that I fall before you, captivated and kidnapped into your arms and into safety. Away from this dark place and into the light.

2 Chronicles 15:2-“And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him.”

John 3:19-21: “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

Unpacking Colossians Chapter 2:6-8

2009-05-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

When I first read through this, the word ‘rooted’ really stuck out to me for some reason. When i think of roots, I think of being strongly grounded so that nothing can shake or move you. When I take time to reflect on my faith in Jesus and just how ‘rooted’ I am in him….it is a very humbling thing. Why? Because I begin to understand just how easy it can be for the world to try to distract us. There are a million things fighting for our attention, trying to pull our eyes off Jesus, trying to ‘unroot’ us from our faith and trust in Christ. But when I think back to all the times (of course I cant remember all of them….) when I have become distracted by the world and tried to give myself (my heart) to these things instead of Christ, over and over again its the same result: I am left unsatisfied, unfilled, simply longing and thirsting for more. My heart is left thirsty and unquenched by the world. Here’s a perfect example of an area in the world that I like to give myself away to, in hopes of finding something that can really only be found ultimately in Christ: I try to find that love, security, self-confidence and approval about myself from other people. But in the end, people are only people….we are sinners who do not live like Adam and Eve once did in Paradise. Instead, we find ourselves in a broken world that our hearts and our lives were not made for. When I find myself still longing for more, it becomes obvious to me that God made my heart and made me for something more, otherwise I would not be longing for it. In a broken and fallen world, I find myself looking to find these things in the world, when they can truly only be found in Christ. I do this with relationships and friendships with others, and in the end, it is the same result: we can never fulfill for one another what only Christ can fill. When we try to fill our heart’s desire by chosing to try and let the world and other people satisfy it, we are reminded and humbled, about just how much we need Jesus and that he alone can fully quench our hearts. These other things of the world may try to ‘root’ us deeply….but they only root us in the substance and ground of this Earth, and this Earth, this world is broken…..so of course we can not be strongly rooted in a materialistic, broken, fallen, world…..We will be shaken, we will be moved if we try to root ourselves in it. The world offers worthless satisfaction, and the satisfaction lasts only for a little bit. It fails to quench our thirsty hearts. We find substitutes in the world that act to quench our thirst. But these substitutes are simply indulgences we give into….and these indulgences are simply affairs of the heart….they are what we give our hearts to instead of giving our hearts to God. And they never fully satisfy us. They only prove to leave us unfilled and disappointed.

This leads on into 2:8 when he speaks of deceptive philosophy: there are countless principles and teachings that the world unveils to us that are abusively deceptive. They wound us. They break us. They leave us longing for more. It is a form of knowledge….but it is worldly knowledge rather than the truth and wisdom that comes from Christ alone. I can’t help but think about how many times I have sat in my philosophy classes listening to the lectures and reading the philosopher teachings…..they are all deceptive, fruitless, and are simply worldly knowledge, created by man….because we are longing for something more. We live in a world that we were not meant for…..and this proves to be extremely true when we find ourselves trying to discover for ourselves and for one another some sort of truth and wisdom. We search, and hunt, and thirst for the truth….but we look to the world for it. Philosophers (many of them) spend their lives searching for some sort of truth that the world offers, only to find that there is no truth that we can rest assure of in this world! So after spending years of searching for some version of the light…..they are still left in complete darkness, realizing that the truth does not exist in a worldly form. But many of us are philosophers….in fact, I think at one point or another we all try to be philosophers. We search for wisdom, truth, light that the world is hiding from us. We search as if on some great expedition, looking for something more. And why do you think we are looking for something more? What does this tell us? It tells us that our heart is thirsty for more! That deep down inside of us, at the core of every person’s heart….we long for something real, something more than what this world has to offer us. Think about it this way: If we are spending so much time looking for something in the world only to find that the world fails and cannot satisfy us, that it cannot provide us any real truth or light…..then why do we continue to look so hard for it? We act as if the world is hiding something so deep in its core and crust, that if we simply search a little bit harder, then maybe we will find what we are looking for. But stop! Listen to your heart! What is it telling you? Your heart is crying out…CRYING out for more! And why? Because when man and woman were first created by the hands and breath of God….we were created for something so much more than this broken world….we were created for Paradise. But because of the fall, we find ourselves in a broken world. The cries of our heart, the desires and deepest longings of our heart for something more are extremely real….they are still there, and they cannot be extinguished. We look to the world to satisfy and answer these cries. Or we try to find a solution to extinguish the deep, deep desires of our hearts. So whether we look to the world to quench our thirst, or we look to the world to extinguish the desires we were created to have….we fail both ways. Sure, the world offers countless remedies to quench or extinguish the thirst and desires we have: Lust, Money/wealth/materialism to fill in as a personal comfort, grades/academics/resume, physical appearance, ect….the list simply goes on and on. All of these substitutes, these little indulgences, these affairs of the heart prove to be a worthless and unreliable remedy. They do not solve the problem. They do not give us what we our crying out for.

What Does It Mean To Seek First The Kingdom Of God?

2009-05-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

Matthew 6:33 says “Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all else will be given to you.”

God began speaking some truth to me that I did not want to hear. What exactly is it that? Simply this: I was beginning to seek his kingdom out of a selfish motive, out of a personal desire to get what I wanted. Perhaps I should be more clear….

It was becoming a waiting game for me. I found myself desiring something so badly that I began to seek God’s kingdom in hopes that if I did, he might give me a green signal, the easy answer I wanted to hear, the answer that would satisfy my worldly desire. I was completely unaware that I was seeking his kingdom out of a selfish motive because I was so caught up in what I WANTED! It became a waiting game, where I was thinking to myself that I was seeking his kingdom out of my love for him and desire to be closer to him, when in reality at the back of my heart and mind, I was hoping that if I did this then he would give me what I wanted. Wow….selfish right? Exactly. When God revealed this truth to me, I was completely stopped in my tracks. I felt as if my heart had literally dropped out of my chest. I was so disappointed in myself and completely embarrassed. How prideful and selfish could I be?!?!

Since this revelation, I have experienced God’s grace pouring over me like water. He has been working to humble me from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. How does God not get tired working as hard as he does to do this?!?! But besides the undeserving grace and humility I have received, I have also been learning something I am so thankful to be learning. Something I had never thought about before God revealed this part of my life to me, but nonetheless, the growth that I have experienced from it is truly a blessing. I am not quite sure if I began to ask God this question or if he began asking me. I have a feeling that it was God who began asking me this question and has been showing me the answer to it ever since. What does it mean to seek first the kingdom of God?

I think right now I want to leave this question with you to think about before I go on. I know it has taken a lot of meditation, solitude, peace, quiet, and rest, all in God and His word to truly make me stop and listen to what he is saying. It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of our every day lives, that we sometimes forget to stop and listen. God is speaking to us everyday, but how often do we forget to listen? I am willing to be more often than not. What I want is for my desire, my thirst to be for Christ alone! I want to know him more, love him more, serve him more. But in this fallen world we live in, I find myself getting consumed by other desires that come form the world. Desires of the flesh, success in school, material, building up my name and being known, and the list goes ON AND ON!!!! In the midst of all these other desires that will never fulfill me, that will never satisfy me, that will leave me empty, why is it that I constantly return to them? If I want my desire and thirst to be for Christ alone and above anything else, how do I keep this the motive and purpose of my live when all these other worldly distractions and desires love to show themselves to me? What does it truly mean to seek first the kingdom of God rather than the worldly desires of this world?

So I leave you with this for now and I hope you will take time to stop and be still and listen to God. It is my prayer that you will pray for him to reveal the truth to this question to you, and rely on the power of prayer to know that it is powerful because God is powerful. Take time to meditate on God and his word and allow him to teach things to you and reveal his truth to you.

What Your Friendship Means To Me

2009-05-17T23:57:00.001-07:00

God must have known how much I would need you.
You understand me, not only when my heart is filled with joy but also when the light at the end of the tunnel seems a million miles away.
When things get rough, I can feel God’s kindness in your friendship and can feel His love lift me up when you reach out to me.
Your joy and your caring have been His healing for me more times than I can count.
That’s why, when I think of all that you mean in my life, I thank God for leading me to you…
I thank Him for the miracle that you are!

-M. E. Miro

Encouraging One Another to PRAY

2009-05-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

Let us not forget to pray for one another. It is easy to procrastinate prayer, to put it off for a later time, or to doubt that it actually does anything. But the Lord promises us that prayer is powerful, it is the best thing we can do for our brothers and sisters around the world. I encourage you to stop right now, think about what you are blessed to be able to do today, and then think about someone in a completely different part of the world, or simply outside of our Highland Park bubble who does not have it as good as you. Maybe it’s a woman prostitute in South Dallas trying to make her living by selling her body to men at different truck stops, and she lives in fear of cerial killers who will take advantage of her body first and then kill her. Maybe it is a child in Ghana, Africa, or Uganda, Africa who has seen their mother and father killed in front of them. Maybe it is a Muslim woman in Saudi Arabia who is being forced to serve a man she did not choose to marry and is now being physically abused. Maybe it is a family in Russia who is being extremely repressed by their government and live in constant fear of their future; who are simply trying to make it through the day. Maybe it is your classmate sitting next to you who has been diagnosed with an illness that you don’t even know he or she has.

As followers of Jesus Christ, I pray that we can encourage one another to pray for our campus, our city, and our world. And allow the transforming power of Jesus Christ to radically rock, shake, and move. God is good, he promises to never forsake us, to never leave us. We must encourage one another in this journey called life where it is easy to become discouraged and lack in our prayer time or our belief in the power of prayer. I want us to pray for one another that the Lord will allow us and help us to encourage one another to ask, seek, and knock on God’s door. That he will help us to never forget what a simple prayer can do and that we may remind one another what it can do.

The power of prayer is amazing, God listens and God answers. How do I know this? Look around. Look around at the blessings, the good things, the transforming miracles that are taking place every second of every day. Look at what God has done in your life and in the life of those around you. God is working all around us, every minute of every day, on this campus and in this world. We just sometimes forget to look…

Please pray for these people that International Justice Mission is asking us to pray for. Remember the power of prayer and the impact you can have on these peoples’ lives. God is a radical God. He understands, and he takes care of his children.
“Thus says the LORD: Do not let the wise boast in their wisdom, do not let the mighty boast in their might, do not let the wealthy boast in their wealth; but let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me, that I am the LORD; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the LORD.”

- Jeremiah 9:23-24

Africa

*   Pray for quality aftercare partners in Rwanda to assist IJM in providing excellent services to our clients.
*   Pray for wisdom for IJM Rwanda’s aftercare team as they help clients and their families address problems such as health difficulties, school fees for children, domestic violence situations and alcoholism.
*   Please pray for Veronica’s case in which IJM Uganda is dealing with a very difficult perpetrator. Pray that he will agree to vacate the land he forcefully took from her. Pray that resolution would be attainable through mediation rather than a court order.
*   Pray that the name of the Lord will be glorified at IJM Zambia Pastors’ Prayer Gathering this month. May client testimonies have a great impact on the pastors so that they may be encouraged to talk about the devastation of property grabbing and sexual assault to their congregations.

The Words That Hurt the Most

2009-05-17T23:54:00.000-07:00

I want to share a story with ya’ll about a very sad, concerning email I received from a dear friend of mine a couple days ago. I will leave him nameless, but for the sake of providing a name, I am going to call him Buddy.

Buddy is a guy I had the honor of meeting and becoming very close friends with after God in his crazy, awesome, mysterious ways paired us up for a program here at SMU called Conversation Buddy Program. Buddy is originally from Saudi Arabia, but he has been living in Dallas for the past year receiving his English language credit at SMU. After completing it and passing way before the date he was required to pass by, he was then enrolled as an official SMU student and just began his first semester undergrad less than two weeks ago. Pretty cool, hu? I know we can all remember how exciting, nervous, and anxious we all were when we first started out here at SMU. Are we going to make friends? Will we like it here? Will we fit in with campus life and social life? How hard will our classes be? Will we succeed in not failing out? These questions, along with countless others ran through our heads weeks before we headed off to SMU, but none of us could have guessed what was ahead of us until we jumped on the first day and began this next chapter of our lives.

As hard as it was for all of us at some point during our first semester here at SMU, imagine how hard it would be coming here as an international student. My dear friend Buddy is experiencing first hand what that feels like. Not only is he faced with the same obstacles, questions, and trials that we all have had to endure, but he also has a few other, very important barriers he must experience. The first one, is the language barrier. Although he has a solid year of English under his belt and can now speak and write the language very well, it still is not second nature to him after only have learning it a year ago! So imagine getting your first intense English paper essay over a 400 page book…..except you had a difficult time reading and comprehending some of the language, and yet now you are required to write in your own words (in English) about a challenging topic. Talk about an extra burden added to your shoulders! However, although the language barrier is a challenging and difficult aspect itself, my friend Buddy wrote me the other day expressing his grief and anger, but most of all sadness, towards the extreme barrier he is facing right now: having to go to class every day with students who don’t care to get to know him because he is from a different country and doesn’t speak English as well as they do, as well as hearing whispers and comments made about how he is a “terrorist” because of his name and the country he comes from. Please just take a moment to reflect about how degrading and hurtful this would be to hear and face every day when you walk into your classrooms…

When I first read his email, tears immediatley began to form. My heart sank, my cheeks burned, my palms began to sweat, and I could feel grief and anger rocking from with in me. How is it, that in today’s world, people think it is okay to talk about another HUMAN BEING like this?!?! I mean, it totally blows my mind! Why the heck to people think that’s okay?!?! Buddy may be from a different culture, yes true. Buddy may not have the same skin color, yes true. Buddy may not speak English as well or be familiar with American culture, yes true, true, true! It’s all very true. But what justifies people’s behavior and attitude towards Buddy? What, because we don’t agree with his country on government affairs? Or is it because we think we have the right to associate him with being a terrorist because in history we have learned of people from his country who have been? What justifies one human degrading and demoralizing another human being? When you start to ask yourself this question, you will come up with the simple answer: nothing justifies it, nothing at all.

I must take the time right now to address this point to you however….

After the emotions I felt inside began to cool down a bit, the Lord immediatley humbled me. And I was face to face with humility and my pride. How often do I stereotype other people every single day I walk down the boulevard? How often do I make comments behind another person’s back about the way they look, speak, act, dress, behave? How often do I just let words slip out of my mouth that do nothing but degrade another human being, be it a classmate, a teacher, a friend, a complete stranger. The answer to all of these is more often than not. So you see, although I may not be calling Buddy a terrorist or poking fun at his English, I sure as heck make up for this by degrading others in various other ways, whether I mean to or not, whether I catch myself doing it or not. And that’s what is most haunting to me….the fact that I unconsciously do so, not even stopping to catch myself do it. I am no better than the person who calls Buddy a terrorist when I decide to call a girl a slut, yet how often I let my pride take the best of me and trick my mind into thinking I am somehow not as “bad” as a sinner. How foolish I am to think that!

The words that hurt the most, more often than not, are the words we let slip out of our mouths and roll off our tongues with out taking a second to realize what we are about to say. The words that hurt the most are not always the more obvious ones like “Buddy is a terrorist,” but rather the ones that our culture and society has adapted into its everyday conventional lifestyle such as: “you’re so gay,” or “you’re a retard,” or “wow, you have serious ADD.” The sad and unfortunate reality is that words like this have such a powerful impact of hurting and tormenting our fellow human beings then we like to realize. The truth is: we are all sinners, and we all fall to the world and what it teaches us. The world doesn’t take a second glance at phrases like these. The world says its just emphasizing your point, or its just getting your point across in a faster more effective way. How long will it take us until we stop listening to the world and start listening to God? When will we begin to take a moment to think about the words we say before we say them? When will the everyday stereotypes and judgments we constantly degrade others by come to a halt? If we’re not willing to be honest with God about the ugly truth that we all hurt one another by the words we use sometimes, then how will we ever be able to experience his grace and move forward changed? If we want to grow, if we want to be able to love others better, then we must get real with God about all the ugly stains of sin that cover our bodies. Although we may not be calling someone a terrorist, we may be making fun of a girl’s short skirt and mid-drift top, and defining her by an ugly stereotype.

Please pray for my friend Buddy and please pray for one another, that the Lord would allow our hearts to be changed and our minds to be renewed about the way we view other people. How often do we find ourselves letting classmates pass by us (like Buddy) with out giving them the time of day to get to know them and see how incredible of a person they probably are. Remember: Your words can hurt or heal. So what did yours do today?

The Ugly Truth About West Dallas Today...

2009-05-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

FACTS ABOUT WEST DALLAS TODAY

Residents of West Dallas (Zip 75212) experience a greater rate of potential life loss (78.0 years per 1,000 residents) compared to Dallas County as a whole (42.8 years per 1,000 residents).

Residents of West Dallas suffer in great numbers with more hospital visits than Dallas County residents (153.2 visits per 1,000 residents in West Dallas compared to 115.8 per 1,000 residents in Dallas County) and 60% of West Dallas residents have no health insurance.

An astonishing 70% of the West Dallas district lives below 200% of the Federal Poverty Level. 51% make less than $25,000 annually or less, and 25% earn less than $10,000. Poverty affects 66.6% of Hispanics in Oakley’s West Dallas district and 29.8% of blacks. (Source: Parkland Hospital’s “Our Community Health Checkup, 2005 for Dallas County.” Also see: Research Compilation: West Dallas (Zip Code 75212) FCE-The J. McDonald Williams Institute. December 2006).

The district has seen little or no economic development with only 400 businesses operating with 1/3^rdemploying four or fewer people.

The unemployment rate is more than double the city of Dallas (13.8% in West Dallas vs. 6.6% for city of Dallas).

Source: Research Compilation: West Dallas (Zip Code 75212) FCE-The J. McDonald Williams Institute. December 2006. P.7.

Poverty rate for female-headed households with children under 18 years of age was 62%-more than 1.7 times the city of Dallas’ rate of 35%.

West Dallas has suffered with more crime than the city of Dallas. The area bordered by Interstate 30, Singleton, Westmoreland, and Hampton has 8 times the city’s crime rate, while other parts of West Dallas have either 5 times or 2.3 times the amount of crime compared to the city of Dallas.

Source: Research Compilation: West Dallas (Zip Code 75212) FCE-The J. McDonald Williams Institute. December 2006. P.14.

There are currently 65-convicted sex offenders that show their residence in West Dallas zip code 75212. Many have a residence beside the homes of families with school children.

Source: http://www.ci.dallas.tx.us/dpd/sexoffendersrequest.htm. Study on sex offenders adjacent to schoolchildren:

Source: SJI Project Transformation Survey of West Dallas Leaders. 2007.

In 2006, more than 2,057 crimes were committed against West Dallas residents, over 446 of them violent crimes.

Source: Dallas Police Department at http://www.ci.dallas.tx.us/dpd/stat_beat.htm 2006 Crime Stats.

Only 35% of the population in West Dallas over the age of 25 has completed high school, compared to 70 % completion with the rest of the city of Dallas.

In 2005, 2.2% of West Dallas residents had graduated from college compared to 28% for the city of Dallas.

Source: Research Compilation: West Dallas (Zip Code 75212) FCE-The J. McDonald Williams Institute. December 2006. P.11.

Love with Courage: The Perfect Example Demonstrated by Christ

2009-05-17T23:51:00.001-07:00

The Meaning Behind Christmas

I was visiting a couple of good friends in Virginia last week and had the opportunity to go to a local church there that had just opened. It was the Sunday before Christmas and the sermon that was given was one that was completely necessary, totally eye opening, and very humbling. I would like to take just a few moments to share with you what I learned from the sermon, in hopes that it will open your eyes and your hearts as well to the real meaning behind Christmas.

Luke 2: 8-14

‘And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”’

The word conspiracy often has a negative connotation. However, when it is referencing what happened between God, Son, and Holy Ghost when Christ was born, this conspiracy was anything but negative. It was a divine conspiracy between God, Son, and Holy Ghost to do something that was desperately needed on Earth. The plan was unveiled in a world that is no different then the world we live in today. (Except for the use of technology of course J)

Love With Courage

What does it truly mean to do this?

What does this look like?

It looks like what God did at Christmas…

Romans 8:32

‘He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?’

We all have one GREAT NEED: to be released from God’s wrath.

Now think about it. If God covered our greatest need by giving up his one and only Son so that we could be released from his wrath, released from death, and given a life restored, then why would we ever doubt that he will not cover all of our other needs? Many times when we think of love, we associate it with simply feelings or emotions. The truth is, these feelings and emotions are bi products of the love we have. They are bi products of the love we have for Christ, but it is not the purpose behind what God did. It is his personal choice to meet our needs at his own expense. It is not about doing something in order to get us to do more good deeds. He gives because we have a desperate need that can only be met by him and he gives his love freely. Isn’t this a much better picture of love then what our world shows us today?

The love Christ gives is SACRIFICIAL. This kind of love takes courage. This kind of love is real love. He courageously came to this fallen and broken world where people didn’t understand him, rebuked him, left him lonely, and persecuted him! Jesus was a foreigner in this world. Those who did look to him usually did it just to get what they wanted and took him for granted…and yet Jesus allowed it! He was constantly ridiculed, he was arrested, and punished innocently and unjustly. It took substantial courage to do what he did. The perfect example of God’s love for us is the courageous love he demonstrated then. I encourage you to stop and think for a moment about this kind of love that God showed you. I know you will find that this kind of love is not just something he showed us then, but it is something he is showing us now.

We too, as his sons and daughters, are called to be courageous and love courageously.

Joshua 1:9

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go.”

We cannot be courageous alone. It is because of God and by his power that we are made strong and can love courageously as he did. Look back at Romans 8:32 though…what then do we need to live in fear of?!

Of course then he will make you courageous and allow you to love courageously. You need not doubt that.

Here are a few examples that you may be able to relate to of how loving with courage has been demonstrated:

-Choosing a job your family doesn’t agree with that may bring in less income and prestige. Yet you are doing it to serve God, out of a love for him and a desire to obey where and how he is calling you to serve.

-Stepping in as an advocate for someone who has little or no voice.

-Sharing your faith even though you may be made fun of, ridiculed, or persecuted.

-Forgiving someone even when he/she didn’t ask you to.

Remember that God is with you wherever you go and that he will continue to be so that others may know his name.

Love With Courage…The Real Meaning of Christmas. The Perfect Example of Love With No Limits.

Christ’s birth shows the absolute grace of God to save us from death in our sin. His Son is born on this earth in order to save us.

Our God who loves us so much demonstrates the perfect love story when he gave up his one and only son to die for us in order that we may have life in him. The perfect love story is demonstrated by Jesus who took on all of our sins that we threw upon him, who suffered death and was buried, and who rose again…to save a wretched sinner like you and me. He made us clean and he made us pure in God’s sight. We are sons and daughters of a God so in love with us. When you love someone like that….of course you want all of him or her, every little bit of him or her! It makes perfect sense why God wants all of you and all of me….he is that much in love with us. How blessed we are by the way God loves us with courage each and every day.

Romans 8: 38-39

‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’

Romans 12: 9-12

‘Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.’

Colossians 3: 12-14

‘Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.’

"The Great Rescue"

2009-05-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share with ya’ll this exert from the novel Boy Meets Girl, by Joshua Harris. My hope is that you will be able to have a greater understanding of the love that God has for you. Although it is hard, we must realize that in order to understand the depth of his love for us demonstrated by Jesus’ death on the cross, we must begin to understand the depth of our sin.

“How can a gruesome crucifixion that happened two thousand years ago help when your past comes knocking today?

The answer is that the Cross is God’s plan for freeing you from the guilt and punishment of your past sin. At the Cross we see both the depths of our depravity and the heights of God’s amazing love for us. We witness both the terrifying intensity of God’s just wrath for sin and His unspeakable mercy and love for sinners.

Why the Cross?

Because sinners have no other hope.

Why the Cross?

Because it is the unassailable proof that we can be forgiven.

Let’s gaze on it together. As we draw close, don’t assume that you already know or understand what happened there. Come to the Cross as if for the first time. In the book When God Weeps, Steven Estes and Joni Eareckson Tada give the following account of Christ’s death. As you read, refuse to let the scene be familiar. Let its reality shock you and break your heart.

‘The face that Moses had begged to see-was forbidden to see-was slapped bloody (Exodus 33: 19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth’s rebellion now twisted around his own brow…

“On your back with you!” One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier’s heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner’s writs. Someone must sustain the soldier’s life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do “all things hold together” (Colossians 1: 17). The victim wills that the soldier live on-he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm-the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless-the nerves perform exquisitely. “Up you go!” They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being-the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father’s eye turns brown with rot.

His father! He must face his Father like this!

From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

“Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped-murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten-fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk-you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp-buying politicians, practicing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves-relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?”

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as his heart’s treasure, the mirror-image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah’s stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

“Father! Father1 Why have you forsaken me?!”

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom he loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished.’

Don’t move too quickly from this scene. Keep gazing.

The Rescue accomplished here was for you. John Stott writes, “Before we can begin to see the cross as something done for us (leading us to faith and worship), we have to see it was something done by us (leading us to repentance)…As we face the cross, then, we can say to ourselves both ‘I did it; my sins sent Him there,’ and ‘He did it; His love took Him there.’”

Did you see your own offenses on the list of sins that necessitated the Cross? If not, name them yourself. Name your darkest sin. Now reflect on the fact that Christ bore the punishment for that sin. He took the punishment you deserved. Do you feel His passionate and specific love for you? He died for you. He was condemned and cursed so that you could go free-He was forsaken by God so that you would never be forsaken. (Hebrews 13:5).

That’s what Jesus’ death on the cross has to do with our past sin right now.

(Boy Meets Girl. Pages 173-176. Joshua Harris)