To Heal and To Bruise

These hands of mine are quite magnificent.

These hands of mine are yet nothing but dust.

These hands of mine were created by the maker of the Universe, my Lord Jesus Christ.

These hands of mine, yet dust they may be, by His strength alone, have the ability to help others.

These hands of mine, yet dust they may be, have the ability to create.

These hands of mine, yet dust they may be, have the ability to serve.

My two hands, fingertip to fingertip, and palm to palm, have shown me time and time again to be both healers and bruisers.

These hands of mine....they heal. And yet these hands of mine...they bruise.

Created by the God of our Universe, they were made to serve and love others. Yet because of my sin, my hands do much more than serve. Much more than love. Much more than heal. Because of my sin, these hands have the ability to do so much worse. They have the ability to do quite the opposite of healing.

When I look at my life, from all of my yesterdays up until today, this is a common theme I find. My hands heal. And yet my hands bruise.

My heart aches when I think of those who my hands have bruised. I have bruised others by my words. My actions. And when I reflect back on those times-times where I remember my hands bruising whom I love; I feel sadness, heart ache, disappointment, despair, and shame. When I say "my hands" bruise, what I am referring to, is myself. Me, myself, and I.

We all have the ability to be healers. We all have the ability to be servers. We all have the ability to be lovers. And yet we all have fallen short at times from each of these. We harm, we bruise, we hurt. Typically those who we love most dearly. Those whom we hold closest to our hearts. We hurt with our words. We hurt with our actions. We bruise with our self-consumed lifestyles. We bruise with our apathetic and complacent attitudes. We harm with our dishonesty and lies. We harm with our backstabbing and gossip and two facing. We are sinners who have hands that heal. And hands that bruise.

I feel shame and sadness when I think about the ways these hands of mine have bruised. I feel joy and gladness when I think about the ways these hands of mine have healed. I feel pain when I think about those people whom I hold close to my heart, who I have pained with my own hands. I feel hopeful and at peace when I think about those who I have shown love and grace and service to with my own hands.

And so my prayer is this: that God, you may make my hands like yours. Mold these hands with your very own, so that they are healing hands and not ones that bruise. Make these hands, hands that protect and love and shower healing upon those who I love and those who are in need. Those who may be complete strangers. And even those who have done wrong onto me. Mold these hands. Make them like yours. And forgive me for how my hands, how I have bruised others. How I have harmed those I care about. Through my selfishness. Through my stubbornness. Through my apathy. Through my lies. Through the walls I have put up and the ones I have refused to tear down. Make these hands of mine ones that protect. Ones that are honest and true and good. Ones that wish only to love, and never to harm.

Amen.

Stuck Standing Still

It was the strangest feeling. Like nothing I've ever experienced before. As they lay you down to rest, my feet were glued to the grass, my eyes were glued on you, my body was stuck standing still. I was stuck standing still. As the hot tears roll down my face, the hot droplets of sweat rolled down the back of my neck. Standing stuck in all black out in the middle of no where, surrounded by endless green pasture, fields of rolling wheat, the beating hot summer sun making me victim to a shadeless afternoon, it was all I could do to keep from shouting. Shouting out of pure sorrow. Shouting out of pure exhaustion. And yet I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't speak. I could feel my heart beating and the slow breaths coming in and out, but I couldn't open my mouth to speak. I tried to look away. Tried like hell to look at anything else. But I couldn't. My eyes were stuck on you, as the family and friends walked all around like slow motion ghosts filling the space out of my peripheral view. Nothing could distract me. Not a pat on the back, a firm shoulder placed on my shoulder, the grasp of fingers clenching mine. Not a hug of comfort, a kiss on the forehead. I couldn't be pulled away from this moment. For all I believed at that very moment in time, I was going to be stuck standing still right there on that farmland for the rest of my life...just staring.

I can't remember what exactly I was thinking. The thoughts that were running through my head seem so overwhelming to try and sort through right now. I can't remember how long I stood there. Or what eventually got my attention to look away and wave goodbye. But looking back on it now, when I think earnestly about that moment when I was stuck standing still, I can remember the presence of the Holy Spirit there with me. In me. All around me. And so if I had to bet, I'm willing to bet it was the power of the Holy Spirit that gave me the courage and comfort to unplant my feet, blink my eyes, and let go of the breath I had been holding for what seemed like days.

I may have been stuck standing still, but I was certainly not stuck standing still alone. You were there. My God, you were there. Reminding me of your promise, that although there may be pain tonight, the morning sun will rise again. A promise that still resonates in my heart today as I put one foot in front of the next, each day that comes and goes, knowing that I am never alone. There may be sorrow. There may be unsurpassable pain. There may be sadness and tears and weakness. But you have promised me so much more then any of that. You have promised me hope. Comfort. Life. Heaven. And healing. In you alone there is strength to be found. Endurance to be shared. Perseverance and hope to be captivated by. In you alone there is reason to move forward, one foot in front of the next, despite all the sorrow and all the pain that may come with this time. I will not be stuck standing still forever. Death has been defeated and there is marvelous light to be experienced. My God, I shall not be stuck standing still forever. Because of you, there is hope. There is new life.

On a beautiful Friday afternoon, the rain fell down. The rain fell down as the bright sun shone down all around me. The air was warm. Not a cloud in the sky. But a summer shower fell down all around me, cleansing and drenching me with every good thing you have to offer. On a beautiful Friday afternoon, I felt her. She was letting me know that she was okay. O, how she loved those summer afternoon rains. Sitting on the porch just soaking them in. And on a beautiful Friday afternoon, there she was shining down on me. Now that is beautiful...

"You said that you'd be coming for me soon. O, my God, I'll be ready for you. And I wana run on greener pastures, I wana dance on higher hills. I wana drink from sweeter waters, in the misty morning chill. And my soul is getting restless, for the place that I belong. I can't wait to join the angels and sing my Heaven song."

Thank you Lord....for your goodness, your grace, your promise, your love....and for welcoming her into your heavenly rest.

WHO AM I?

Who am I?

I AM….

A girl that prefers to be called “Kate” over “Kaitlin” but typically only when you know me well enough to consider me a real friend.

Determined.

Passionate.

A hopeless romantic.

Lover of Jesus Christ.

Stubborn.

Up for philosophical, political, theological, or any other kind of debate, but only on topics I have researched and know well enough about to have formed an honest opinion and argumentative basis.

Writer.

Open minded.

Adventurous.

Wild at heart.

Child-like love for life.

In love.

Fearful.

Under construction with a heart, mind and soul that is being made new and transformed by Jesus

Incapable of small talk

Natural ability to do beyond surface level conversation

Lover of real community

More interested in a divine romance and relationship with the Lord as opposed to a religion

Sinner. All too often.

Ability to find beauty in the small things that life has to offer

Lover of coffee houses

Americano Coffee drinker: no room for cream, 3 splendas

One of my biggest struggles is learning to surrender EVERYTHING to the Lord.

Unusually sensitive digestive system: probably due to the fact that I am lactose intolerant

Obsessed with working out

Obsessed with music

Find my “me time” in long drives (especially out on country dirt roads away from it all), road trips, or long runs

Weak.

Broken.

Humbled.

Love for people.

Love for serving and outreach

Believe my mission field is wherever I am located currently

Lover of big cities and small towns

Addicted to diet coke and coffee

Consider myself to be somewhat a triathalete

Sometimes try to erase things that I have done that I am not proud of

Crazy in love with my family and closest friends

Defeated

Bruised and scared

Bandaged and healed

Sometimes all too closed off with my heart

Don’t always trust people easily

Carry the burdens of others but am still learning how to let others carry mine

Firm believer in the importance of surrender and the power of the Holy Spirit, but still learning how to do this and how to live by the Spirit and not of the World

Confused

Anxious

Heart for West Dallas; the 11th poorest community in the United States and a 15 minute drive from Highland Park Dallas neighborhood

Know that the Lord has used others to speak his love and trust; no matter how hard that truth has been to hear sometimes

Witness the love of the Lord that he has for me and his people, everyday through other people

Confident, yet doubt myself and my abilities all too often

Look for my ability too often in my own strength and power as opposed to the Holy Spirit’s

OCD cleaner and organizer

Prefer a beach house over a house in the mountains, yet I love the mountains and Colorado is my favorite state

Learning to be selfless

Learning to forgive

Have experienced the love of a best friend and what it means to be one

Learning that it’s okay not to have it all together

My life philosophy: Purpose over Performance. Always. But this is a constant struggle of mine to live this out every day.

Currently taking part in God’s Redemption Story.

Saved by grace. Undergoing sanctification.

Greatest fear: failure

All too good at tripping on my own two feet in this journey called life

Learning to cry

Learning to have my pride broken

A broken woman living in a broken world….not yet who I was made to be

Struggle with letting others in to help me when I am in need, rather than carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders alone

Sometimes like to believe I can do it all on my own. And I can't....

Anxiously awaiting Heaven

Listen to music too loud and don’t like to turn it down when I’m on the phone

Currently a change in the making: moving closer to God’s glory

Believe that one of the worst felt pains in this life is saying goodbye to a good friend

Desire to travel

Desire to be a lifelong missionary: no matter what my mission field looks like

Heart for Africa

All too imperfect. You could say I’m simply perfect at being imperfect

Give into doubt, worry, and fear all too often

Impatient

Desire to have faith like a little child

Learning to give more to others than myself

Desire to serve God by serving His people; yet I constantly fall short of doing so

Give into the world and my worldly desires all too often

Learning to accept, admit, and confess my imperfections and sins

Don’t know how to drive without speeding

Screwed up relationships and friendships more often than I liked to admit

Scared of commitment

Prefer the heat to the cold

Converse, Van, and TOMS shoe wearer

Trademarked by my white ball cap

Proud aunt and youngest sister of 4

Sometimes too ashamed to look at myself in the mirror because of my sins

Sometimes too ashamed and flooded by guilt of my sin to admit them. But learning to seek forgiveness rather than running in shame. And learning to repent.

Learning more and more each day the power of prayer. But sometimes doubt it. And I hate when I do.

Sometimes too concerned with how others perceive me, as opposed to how God sees me.

Sometimes find my worth and value in how others see me, in their opinions and judgments, as opposed to God’s.

Blessed by illnesses in the past that I have witnessed and that my family has witnessed

Pro at people skills

Can’t quite see the better version of myself yet, but I know it’s out there to discover

Completely incomplete with out Jesus

Good listener. But don’t always like to talk about myself. Sometimes it takes a good amount of prying to find out how my heart is REALLY doing

Don’t offer my heart or open it up for just anyone. Even those who really know me and really know my heart, have had to pursue me greatly and patiently in order to be let in

Action taker

Completely not artistic

Debater. Love a good argument

Sometimes stop to think twice of what other people will think of me before acting but learning to do this less

Liberal minded in my social views

Sometimes a procrastinator.

Don’t believe in manicures….I chew my nails

Prefer salts to sweets

Coffee cup collector

Love to write letters to family and friends

Find expression through music, lyrics and writing

Not who I was 4 years ago. A complete 180.

Finally forgiven myself for my past as I have accepted the Lord’s perfect grace and love

Desire to be captivated and fully loved by the man of my dreams…whoever he may be.

Desire to be pursued authentically by this man. Desire to be found beautiful by him. Desire to be forever loved.

Explorer.

Lover of public speaking

Determined to do my part each day to make this world a better place

Optimistic.

Idealistic.

Hopeful, yet sometimes feel lost in the dark trying to find the light when I forget to open my eyes

Have been given a changed perspective to see God’s people as he sees them, but have to pray every day I remember to use that perspective

Learning the importance of prayer

Need to dig into God’s Word more often than I do. And need to pray more often than I do.

Firm believer in the importance of being surrounded and encouraged by a body of believers, to walk in faith together

Firm believer in the importance of prayer, finding out who God is through his Word

Firm believer in the importance of quiet time, but don’t give enough of my time as it deserves

Firm believer in community

Desire to travel the country and travel the world

Desire to own a coffee shop when I grow old someday and call it: Under Construction

Firm believer that the best conversations take place during long car drives

Incredibly blessed by the forgiveness good friends have offered me

Dehydrate all too often

Learning the true meaning of integrity and honesty

Desire that the day of my funeral be a celebration rather than a mourning of my life. And a celebration for where I have gone

…. And so on…

Summer 2010: Chicago Style

It’s hard to believe that I have been living and working in Chicago for almost 9 weeks now. By the time I get on a plane to come home to Kansas next week where I will then pack up for Dallas, the 9 week summer in Chicago-a city I have fallen in love with and a summer that I can honestly say has been one of the best-feelings of bittersweet emotion will be flooding my head and my heart. Then again, yesterday, when the reality of leaving here and coming back home became somewhat tangible for the first time, those bittersweet feelings-mixed emotions of sadness and excitement-began flowing through my blood at full speed. When school let out back in May and my Chicago journey was just a few short weeks away, it began to feel all-too-real to me for the first time since I had accepted the internship and signed off on my housing way back in March. I was blessed beyond belief to land such an incredible internship so soon and its something I have not taken for granted one day that I’ve been here. Having the opportunity to work for the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at the Chicago District Office, although may at first make me sound like some sort of big shot, I really do not nor do I want any of the credit or applause. Because as far as I’m concerned, God was the one who opened these doors for me. All along I had been trying to land an internship out in D.C. for the summer working for International Justice Mission. However, when those doors were closed and the opportunity to live and intern in Chicago opened up, it was all by the Lord’s doing. I knew from that moment that my summer internship search came to an end, that the Lord had something in store for me this summer. I had always wanted to move to a new and unfamiliar city for a summer while I was in college, learn to conquer it and be challenged by it, but I can honestly say that I never in my farthest imagination, planned on learning all that I did. I didn’t expect what was handed to me: the opportunity to grow so much, be challenged and pushed outside of my comfort zone to no end, to come across the pathway of friends who I can now call a solid group of friends of mine who would get to know me so well and who I would come to love so much, to get handed the expectations and responsibility that my work has granted me, to learn a whole new definition to the word “independence,” or to fall in love with a city so quickly. This summer has been a summer I can never and would never want to forget. After 9 short weeks, I have learned so much more about myself. I have grown to new extremes. I have come to learn more about the Lord’s heart then I ever saw coming. I have come to grow closer to my Savior and seen Him work in some pretty crazy ways around me. I have had my eyesight and perspective changed by His will, where I learned more and more each day to see life and to see His people as He sees them as opposed to how we see one another. I have come to get my heart and my mind shaken up, totally unprepared for it but in the end, I wouldn’t have changed it to be prepared even if I had the option. I have come to know and learn more about myself, my heart, my passions, my desires, and the things out there that really make my clock tick, that really make my blood boil, that really make my heart on fire to live for and to love and to run after. I was thrown into a city I knew nothing about, put in an apartment complex with people I didn’t know, placed in a work environment where I had no idea what to expect, and at the end of every day and to this day now, I can honestly say that I have seen and felt God’s hand in all of it.

This summer has been a summer of pure adventure. A summer of excitement, a summer of laughter and sweat and unforgettable memories. A summer of unending challenges, endless opportunity, and countless moments of pure exhaustion. I have been knocked down, bruised, and gotten back up again. I have great days where life has never been so good and days where I wanted nothing more then to crawl back into bed, sleep it away, and start it all over again the next morning. I have laughed more times then I can remember, I have experienced times of utter despair and tears, and I have had every kind of day in-between. I’ve made friends that I have become closer to then I ever expected and ones who I can honestly say I hope to stay friends with down the road because they mean too much to simply let go. I have got lost in the city, turned around on the subway and train, and found my way back home again. I have got caught out in the pouring rain without an umbrella more than once and I have spent endless hours on Lake Michigan beach and lake shore drive just to close my eyes, breathe deep, feel the wind rush through my air and cool my body on a hot summer day. I have sweated pounds of water on my morning excursions to work and weekend adventures. I have tried new running paths along the lake and through local neighborhoods with my I pod blasting and my feet carrying me miles on end. I have had so many moments of complete serenity and peace where I sit outside at a local café to read the paper and enjoy a cup of coffee, or take a long walk through a family style neighborhood, or let the afternoon drift by me while I spend it on a rooftop just soaking in the best of summer rays, my favorite music playing while my heart and mind were set free to just think and pray and be still. I have drank too much at times and sometimes regretted it the next morning, but I have had friends there the whole time to make memorable stories and playbacks. I have worn my work heels down to the point that they are about to break and I have visited the dry cleaners more than I ever thought possible to get my blouses, jackets and dress pants washed. I think it’s safe to say I have spent 80% of my summer in business casual clothes. I have had conversations with complete strangers, explored the city to no end so that by the time I left I would feel like I knew it like the back of my hand. I have been drunk off of countless sunsets that fall over the Chicago skyline and Lake Michigan and have enjoyed 4 AM trips out to the lake to see the sun come up marvelously. I have witnessed the city never sleep and yet have played golf on courses that sit outside of the city so you feel as if nothing else exists, simply you, the greens, the deer that chase one another across the course, and downtown Chicago in the background. And in the midst of everything, I have seen and felt God’s hand in all of it.

I have put my to do lists, calendars, and schedules away for the summer, choosing to live one day at a time instead of three weeks in advance. I have learned what it means to slow down, breathe deep, take one step at a time and live, really LIVE, for what is most important. Through all of this, I have been apart from the community of family and friends back home in Dallas that I have come to know and love like brothers and sisters the past 3 years. That community that is all too unique and meaningful, nothing could possibly replace it. A community that loves me, knows me and my heart, challenges me in the Lord and walks with me in faith on this journey we have come to call life. A community that is missed more than words can say when we are apart that leaves a homesick feeling for one another when we are not together. It has been a summer apart and has felt like years. It is a community that I am anxiously awaiting to get back to and to start sharing life together again in person. But while we have been apart, and as the Lord has led me up to Chicago to serve Him and glorify Him in my work and life up here in my summer city, I have learned to become more dependent and more reliant on the Lord. When you are not surrounded by that community who is there to challenge you and hold you accountable in person, it’s up to you as to whether you will draw closer or draw away from the Lord until your time with that community reunites. For me this summer, it has become an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord and His heart. Feeling like I was on the brink of something at the beginning of the summer, but unaware what it was, this summer has been a chance for the Lord to teach me and grow me. Before summer started and I moved to Chicago, all I knew was that something was waiting for me to discover. Something was waiting for me to conquer and learn and be challenged by. There was something that the Lord was going to show me and teach me. I was on the brink of it and only time could tell when it would be revealed. When summer rolled around, I was ready for adventure. I was ready to take a step on my own and try this whole thing. But I had no idea what was coming.

Looking back now on the past 2 months, I cannot say that there was solely one specific thing the Lord had waiting for me. Because it wasn’t just about learning to become more dependent on Him while I was away from my community back home. It was about so, so much more than that. He has shaken up my heart. Shaken up my plans. Changed my outlook and changed my perspective. I could not have expected to learn all that I did about myself before this summer and the journey and adventure I signed up for back in March was something I could only discover for myself as it was happening. Now that it has happened, and is all too quickly coming to an end within the next week, I know that I am not leaving with any regrets. I have grown up a lot. I have been given a new pair of glasses to see people and see things differently, other than I ever had before. With the challenges, mountains and up hills that I have climbed, and with the fun, excitement, and pure joy I have experienced this summer, I think it’s safe to say that this summer has been anything but a failed lesson. If I could do it all over again I would; and I wouldn’t change one thing about it.

In the midst of this summer in Chicago, I’ve had a close friend come visit me for a weekend to celebrate my birthday with me, I’ve gotten to travel to visit my best group of girl friends for a weekend away in Minnesota, and I’ve even gotten to travel to New York City to visit another someone special, only to be more blown away and left in awe of a city so full of life and vibrancy. I’ve been blessed to spend time with one of my sister and brother-in-laws here in Chicago and had a taste of home when I get to stay with them. All in all, I’d say it’s been a summer not to forget.

In addition to learning to become more dependent on the Lord and to live with out to-do lists and schedules for once in my life, my perspective in general on my life, my upcoming senior year, my post-graduation plans, and how I see people has be shaken up. For one thing, the Lord has challenged me to see His people as He sees them. And if I’ve learned anything this summer, especially working for this federal government agency, where my sole purpose has been to serve the Lord by serving His people-those who have been discriminated against-is that we are ALL broken. But the eyesight he has allowed me to try on this summer has been one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had in quite sometime. The fact that I pass on average 30 homeless people everyday on my way to work, and am constantly working for average every-day people who come into the EEOC who have been discriminated against in their workplace, well, it has allowed me the chance see a sort of lifestyle that is all too uncommon in the Highland Park community of Dallas, Texas. I have found myself last spring semester for the first time since I moved to Dallas 3 years ago, to become more blind to the kind of people who don’t fit the Highland Park bubble stereotype, except for when I am serving in West Dallas. At the end of my Junior year, it became all to painfully obvious that I had lost my eyesight towards the broken, the needy, the pour, the homeless, except when I was down in West Dallas serving. All of us are broken, every single one of us. But for a lot of us we show it in a much less obvious way. And what I realized by the end of last year, was that I had become blind and numb to those who were painfully and obviously broken on the outside, simply because when spending so much time in Highland Park, you don’t see that often-hardly at all-almost never in fact. Up until last semester, I had made it a purpose and a point to get out of the Highland Park bubble and to serve people in other areas who were in desperate need. This isn’t to say that people living in the Highland Park community are not in need-but I always felt a calling to serve in other places, especially West Dallas, where they are the 11^th poorest community in the United States, and a 15 minute car ride away from SMU. However, in the midst of losing sight of so many things last semester, one of those things I lost sight of was in fact that calling to serve outside of the bubble; a calling I heard so strongly from the Lord since I moved down to Dallas. I had gone from spending so much time outside of the bubble, to spending not even half as much. And in the midst of doing so, my eyesight became blurry to just how many people were broken and in need. Blurry to the sight of countless people in areas and communities all over Dallas that were God’s people and in need of a helping hand. When the Lord started revealing this unpleasant fact to me, it was a mouthful to swallow. It’s incredibly difficult to realize something like this about yourself, but it is also incredibly humbling. So before I left for Chicago, I prayed that God would change my perspective. Get me back to seeing his people as He saw them. To see people in all their brokenness and still realize just how beautiful they were. To see the needs and hear the cries of those around me and to reach out. To serve God by serving others. To love as I have been called to love and as He has loved me. I asked for a new pair of seeing glasses, the ones that I had seemed to lose along the way last semester. Because that purpose to serve; that calling to serve had not extinguished in me. It was burning just as strongly like a flame in my heart that couldn’t be put out. But I needed to start seeing people in the right light again, and shake that numb feeling; of being numb to all the brokenness that surrounds us every day, that could be aided and relieved so much if we simply chose to reach out a hand. It is our purpose as children of God. To love as we have been loved. To serve out of a joy and desire for Him. When we choose to ignore the brokenness or choose not to see it, it’s like we can pretend it doesn’t exist. But by choosing not to see it, or to close our eyes to it, doesn’t make it disappear. It doesn’t make it any less real. Closing our eyes to it only makes it worse for those who are in need. Choosing to do nothing is choosing to live a numb and selfish life. As the summer has progressed, and I have witnessed all that I have, my heart has been humbled and my eyesight has been renewed. It’s something I make sure to pray for every day on my way to work: to see people as God sees them. To serve them how He has called me to. To keep in mind, each day I work, my purpose and reason for working there: to serve and to be a voice for the discriminated that do not have a voice. I think honestly the best way to sum up what I have discovered and what the Lord has taught me this summer to keep as my focus and is Micah 6:8

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

I was reminded of this when I was sitting in church a few weeks ago in Minnesota when I was there visiting friends. It was one of those sermons that just hit you where you needed it most. When God just woke something up in you. Where you couldn’t deny the truth behind the message. Something that I took away from this, after being reminded that my purpose of working at the EEOC this summer was to do exactly what Micah 6:8 calls me to do every day, and after having my eyesight renewed from the blind sleepy slumber it seemed to have taken last semester, was that all of it starts with integrity. Honesty and truth behind everything I do as an individual. After all, how are any of us supposed to serve the world with a purpose if we aren’t going forth with integrity? Without it, we are lying to ourselves and lying to those around us. Without it, our motives are simply selfish. And that is not the way the Lord has called any of us to do His work. Thinking about what my purpose has been here this summer and realizing more and more with each passing day, that the Lord had it planned for me to be in Chicago doing what I’m doing, long before the idea of moving up here even crossed my mind, it has made me realize even more the difference between performance and purpose. Over the past few months, the Lord has put a unique philosophy on my heart for me to try to live out every day: purpose vs. performance. Living a purpose driven life as opposed to a performance driven one, that is driven by expectations that all too often cannot be met because of their unrealistic heights. To live a purpose driven life is to live with passion, with a fire that burns inside of your heart to go forth with what the Lord has called you to. On this journey called life, we are each called to walk different paths. Some of us will be doctors. Some of us will be school teachers. Some of us will be world travelers. Some of us will be human rights activists. Some of us will be security guards, landscapers, stay at home parents, coffee house owners, and the list goes on… But no matter what it is, we are called to keep in mind what the Lord has planned for us, even if we don’t know exactly what that is every moment of every day. We are given desires and passions and dreams for a reason. They are not to be ignored. They are put on our hearts by no mistake. Whatever they may be, when they are God given, we are called to pursue them. And sometimes that means throwing out the window expectations that others have placed on us or that we have placed on ourselves. Because sometimes what we are called to be and called to do, doesn’t exactly match up with what we originally planned for ourselves, or what our parents or teachers or bosses or spouses planned for us. But it doesn’t matter. Because we only get one life on earth to live. And we are each given a purpose and a plan. Sometimes we have to take the back roads, those being the ones less traveled. Sometimes we have to throw out the window our map or GPS. Sometimes we have to jump when the Lord tells us to jump and just trust Him. Sometimes we have to take big leap forwards and get our feet dirty from time to time (or every day). But that’s the beauty in life. It’s about adventure. It’s about discovering who you are. It’s about a journey that continues with every step you take and every morning you wake up. We were given life not to throw it away, but to embrace it. Live it. Be brave, courageous, and take a leap of faith.

With all of this brewing in my head and my heart this summer, its been the biggest prayer on my heart that when I return to SMU; a campus that is all too well known for being a community of performance and expectation, where we expect of ourselves to have our resume jam packed, our calendars constantly penciled in, our to do lists continuously piling up, internships one after the next, and stepping forth into every campus activity and leadership position offered to us….all the while maintaining a spotless GPA…well it has been a prayer on my heart not to become absorbed by this culture and mindset. I want to live with purpose. And with passion. Not by expectations. Not by performance. Not by standards that the world has created for me to abide by and to judge myself accordingly. I am accountable to one man alone, and that’s Jesus Christ. My worth is not found in my resume. Or my GPA. Or in the amount of internships I rack up or what my bosses think of me. Or in my leadership positions. My worth is found in Him and in Him alone. Now that’s something worth living for.

If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that I don’t know what God has in store for me come post-graduation. Maybe it’s law school; something I’ve been planning on and preparing for my entire college career. Maybe it’s Teach for America. Maybe it’s going abroad for a year and traveling. Maybe it’s Seminary. Maybe it’s joining a missionary team and going to Uganda to serve. But whatever it is, all I know is that I need to listen to my heart and the passions and desires God puts on it. Because I want to go where He calls me. If He says go, I want to go. I want to listen to whatever it is that makes my heart beat faster and my clock tick. I want to live out my passions and dreams. And I don’t want to allow myself to be held back because I have decided for myself that I need to follow the countless expectations I have put on myself since the beginning. After all, maybe these expectations I have for myself, aren’t what God is calling me to fulfill. And if that’s true, as hard as it will be to let go of them, it’s going to be worth it. With one life to live, we must keep in mind what’s most important. Family. Friends. Community. Time with people. Time to stop and breathe and just LIVE. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important, when the world consumes you with expectations, and a drive for perfection and performance. It’s easy to lose sight in the midst of the culture we are immersed in every day. Sometimes it takes stepping back, being reminded from a friend, and slowing down long enough to allow God to speak His truth to you. To remind you that maybe what you’re living for and striving for, really isn’t what it’s all about. And maybe if we just took a little more time each day to slow down, to let God in and speak to us…well then maybe we would find ourselves living very differently. In the midst of a summer busy with work, I have learned just how crucial it is to slow down and live. To not let life become so crazy that I’m not even living. It’s been such a blessing to be living and working in a city that, yes although it’s incredibly fast paced and people go non stop, to make it a priority NOT to be engulfed by that sort of living. I made it a personal goal of mine before moving here and I’m happy to say that I have accomplished it well. To stand out from the rest. Slow down more. Slow my pace on the street and make more time for what’s important. Because after all, the last thing I want is to look back on my life years from now, and realize I lived it all too quickly and all to limited by schedules and fast paced speed, that I forgot to actually live…

Overwhelmed by the Greatness of God

The other day I was sitting out on the beach, taking a closer look at Isaiah 40 and Psalm 8, and came to realize that I was faced with a difficult task: trying to wrap my head around the greatness of God. This idea is something that has been on my mind for quite some time now as the Lord has begun to open my eyes, my heart, my mind and my spirit to more of who he is-and as he has done so, he has shown me just how BIG he really is. Everything about him. His grace. His beauty. His power. His affection for me. His forgiveness and perfect mercy. His strength. His unconditional love.

To think...that the God of the universe is jealous for me.

To think...that the creator of heaven and earth desires all of me.

To think...that he would even want anything to do with me.

To think...me, a wretched sinner who falls off the righteous path on a daily basis, is desired for by God.

To think...that me, a small human, like dust, like a grasshopper, who can be blown away by a breath of his wind and will someday wither like the grass, is unconditionally loved by Jesus.

To think...He laid his life down so me, a poor sinner, could live.

To think...me, who is prideful, who takes for granted the love he offers me daily through countless ways, who forgets to put Him in my day, who acts as if I am my only refuge or saving grace at times, who builds my riches up on earth sometimes more than I'd like to admit, who can be two-faced, a liar, a cheater, who causes pain onto others, who spends money foolishly at times, who can be so full of my desires of the flesh, who spends my time serving myself instead of God and his people, who has a jealous heart, who forgets to speak with love, who becomes irrational, impatient and impulsive at times, who can be all to ungrateful at times...this girl, this very girl...is forgiven and loved by the God of the Universe.

Now that, is one incredibly insane thought to wrap my head around. I am completely unworthy of His perfect love. He is everything I am not. A perfect grace. Undeserved. Taken for granted. Freely given to me.

I hope you will take the time to read through Isaiah 40 and Psalm 8. They aren't that long, but they are full of richness. The words spoken in both of these will undoubtedly and inevitably open your eyes to more about who is God of ours his-that is, just how great he truly is.

Anyone who knows me, can testify to my sin. They have either seen me commit it, wallow in it, become absorbed by it, or even complacent to it at times. I am not here to convey myself as anyone worthy of the blood of the Lamb. I am not here to convey myself as someone who is always gracious, always loving, always a good friend, a good sister, and good daughter. I am not here to convey myself as anything except who I really am: a sinner. One who has given into and been covered by sin, at times so much that I felt like I was drowning or at least barely keeping my head above water. When I look at my past history, there is no way I could win an argument against Christ that I am worthy of any sort of grace. Not one droplet of mercy should be given to me after the depth of my sin is laid out on the table. But what does the Lord tell me? What is his response to all of this?

"That her inequity has been removed, that she has received of the Lord's hand double for all her sins" (Isaiah 40:2).

When I read something like this, I am overwhelmed. The glory of the Lord floods over my broken bones and weary body. There is freedom to be found. Complete freedom from the chains of all of my sin that have held me down for far too long. And when I experience this freedom-it is then that I am experiencing the glory of God in all its greatness. His righteousness. My unrighteousness. They merge and what do I receive? I receive the Lord's hand double for all my sins.

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, And marked off the heavens by the span, And calculated the dust of the earth by the measure, And weighed the mountains in a balance And the hills in a pair of scales?" (Isaiah 40:12)

Look around you-for just a moment even, stop and look around you. Listen to the rain. Watch the sun setting over the horizon. Stare endlessly down that long dirt road that seems to run forever endlessly. Everything that was created. Everything that is in front of your eyes that you can see, or smell, or touch or feel...none of that was created by our own doing. When you really stop to look around you and see how beautiful this creation really is-it truly will overwhelm you. So stop. Slow down. Breathe. Let creation sink into you for just a moment even. Let it radiate through your soul. Let it take over your busy mind. Let it capture your innermost being. This creation, this wonderfully made creation-made by the same God who desires me. The same God who is so great and powerful enough to create such beauty, desires all of me. He is jealous for my love. This love is the love of a jealous kind. And to think how often I desire other things before God...I consider other things, or at least, I act as if I do, (which actions seem to explain what it is we value more than anything) of greater value or importance. I idolize. I put worldly treasures first. I seek them out instead of searching for the heart of God. Academics, my physical body/appearance, certain people/friends and relationships in my life, my future, money, material objects, desires of the flesh, my resume, status, reputation....the list is endless! These are just a few of the things I put before God, desiring and valuing these before him. How can I even compare the value, the worth, the importance of any of these with the greatness of God?! Pretty foolish don't you think? These are simply nothing. They too are like dust that will fade. Worldly treasures that will never fulfill, will never love me, will never save me, will never do anything but distract me from what this life I'm living is truly all about. All of these things...."Scarcely have they been planted, Scarcely have they been sown, Scarcely has their stock taken root in the earth. But He merely blows on them, and they wither, And the storm carries them away like stubble." (Isaiah 40:24).

There is absolutely nothing of comparison on this earth to the greatness of our Lord. I live my life all too often (more than I would like to admit) with a likeness for these before Him. "To whom then will you liken Me that I would be his equal?" (Isaiah 40:25). How foolish it is that I live as if any of these things are equally like God....in worth or in greatness. Now you and I can say by our words what we value. But it is our actions which will always speak louder, and in many cases, convict us and humble us, as they define our values. They help to point out if we are likening anything to be equal compared to God.

You see, I do not escape the Lord. And neither do you. You will never escape his care for you. This Lord, who hung the stars in the sky (Isaiah 40:26) CARES for you. Cares for me. My small broken self does not escape the affection of the Lord. The God who created the stars is powerful and it is by that same power, that He also cares for me. Nothing escapes him. And how amazing is it to think, that the creator of all the heavens and the earth-that same God, cares deeply for me? How worthy he is of our praise-that he would even stop for a second to grant us his care and attention. (Isaiah 40:29). How undeserving of his love am I. He is good and kind and great. I am a sinner, weak, small, running in my shape, complacent in my sin. So I have nothing to do except cry out for forgiveness. I give into all wordly pleasures, placing them before him too many times to count-a God so great he created this all. And yet, a God so great, and so good, he loves me enough to forgive me of all of that sin. How do I even come before Him? I am covered in my sin, I have nothing to offer Him but my broken heart. I am left with the resounding words of these lyrics playing in my head:

"So I offer up my life. It's all that I have to give.

And confess that I have sinned. Praise the Lamb, Praise the Lamb who was slayed."

I am left with a loss of words. A sinner who has but the world first, before Him who died for me-He still wants me! He forgives me, he loves me unconditionally despite what I have done. With that one sacrifice, I am forever forgiven. All of my sin. Gone as far as the East from the West and he remembers it no more. I am undeserving. He deserves so much more me me. I am left humbled. I am left overwhelmed. By a God so great, who has already done it all-forgiven me and stood by me. Never let me down and never let me go. I have been made new. By his sacrifice, I am granted life. And it is times like these where I can't help but thank him. Thank him for humbling me enough. For giving me a greater glimpse into the depth of my sin and the depth of his love for me. I am thankful for the conviction, that I may be led to repent and receive his perfect forgiveness. A love so undeserving, I am left without words. It is times like these, where I can feel my heart being awaken, where I can feel the Holy Spirit stirring in me, calling me.

A broken friendship: Feeling the pain of unmet expectations

A few weeks ago at small group, we went through Luke 4: 38-39, talking about the healing power of Jesus. I was tired when I came to small group and to be completely honest, my mind was not feeling exactly "open" to taking in anything. My heart seemed to be a part from my body when I walked into the door, but where exactly it was, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that it was somewhere far away hurting. Feeling the bleeding and the scarring and the open wounds of a broken friendship. It was torn. It was left there to bleed, all the while I was doing everything I could do hold the tears back. So I walked into my small group, with repressed tears and a bleeding heart that I couldn't seem to even locate. I had tried to take my heart and all its feelings out of me the past few days prior to this small group, because the pain I was feeling was almost too much to bear. I decided that maybe becoming numb to it all would be better then feeling the hurt and pain. Typing this now, I am almost led to laugh at myself, for the way I responded to this is all to typical for me. I feel the hurt, I experience the pain. And my flesh is led to try and become numb to it all. Numb enough so I won't feel the pain. Numb enough so if the scar becomes an open wound, maybe it won't bleed as much as it normally would. Anyone who knows me well enough can testify that this is true of me. To be completely honest, its something about me that I've always been ashamed about. I hate that I do that. That I shut down, push it all out, try to become numb to it all. It's a nasty habit of mine that I have done my entire life, although I was unaware that I did it until I started getting called out on it. A perfect demonstration of accountability-thank you to that person who loved me enough to call me out on it. You know who you are.

My issue with becoming numb and putting up walls and shutting down is a topic for another day. For now, let me go back to where this all started with small group. This tangent I have gotten off on does relate to the story, I promise. What I was originally saying, is that I came to small group broken hearted, beat up and with a close mind. All I wanted to do was sleep it all away. I was tired. Restless. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Confused. And overwhelmed. I wanted an escape. I wanted a way out. I had been feeling this way for a couple weeks but each day it hadworsened. That is, until this Tuesday evening small group. My reasoning for feeling this heart ache and brokenness? It was the result of a broken friendship. My reasoning for mentioning this Tuesday night small group so many times? Because it is here where God found me, rescued me, opened up my spirit and my heart to his, and led me to a beautiful escape with him. It's as if he literally came down, picked me up, dusted off my dirty shirt, wiped the tears from my face, and placed his hand over my broken heart. It was in this very moment where I could feel how much the Lord loves me. I had been running in shame because of my disappointment and anger with myself. I was angry with how I had hurt this friend of mine. Angry at myself. Ashamed at my actions that had hurt her so badly, all of which I did unintentionally, which perhaps made it even worse. I was disappointed in myself, upset with myself, so frustrated with myself, for I had hurt someone who always had meant so much to me. Someone who confided in me. Someone who loved me unconditionally. A real friend who I had hurt-in so many ways. And what was even worse, is that I was completely unaware for so long just how badly I was hurting her. I was unaware of just how many things I was doing that were causing her pain in this friendship. I was ignorant. I was removed. I was completely unaware. This, more than anything else is why I was feeling the broken heart-not just because the friendship was at a breaking point, but because so much of what happened to make it become broken, was a result of my actions in the friendship, my behavior, that was unintentionally hurting this friend so badly...and I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. If that isn't a bold face reminder of my humanity and the depth of my sin...A reminder of just how capable we are of hurting others because we are human, we are sinners, we are not perfect. It was humbling really. To be reminded of what my flesh is capable of. To be reminded of just how sinful and human I really am.

Okay, now, back to the beginning....Luke 4:38-39. As the evening continued at small group, I could feel the Lord pulling at my heart. And it hurt. Because like I said, I wanted to be numb to it all. All the pain that I was feeling from this broken friendship. So when he started pulling at my heart with scripture, he was making me think about it. Relating everything to this broken friendship. And you know what I realized? I realized that not only was I so upset because I was becoming aware finally, of how much I had hurt this friend, but it was also because I was indeed hurt myself. This friend of mine, this dear friend, had hurt me to. She had, unintentionally just like me, without even knowing it, caused me so much pain. And the worst part was that she didn't even know she had done it. I know her heart well enough that I know she never would intend on hurting me. But like me, she too is human. And so like me, she caused pain. I was feeling the affects of past inequities that she had done unto me that, for the first time, I was realizing really did hurt a lot worst then I had ever let on before. A lot more then I had ever fully realized. Her and I are the same. Human. Sinners. Capable of causing great pain in one another's lives. And we did.

This small group of mine is one of the greatest blessings in my life. They make me talk about it. About the hurt and the pain. Even when I want to shut down and cry and hold back. They make me open up. Because they want me to experience the God of all comfort. For you girls-thank you. Your accountability and your love for me means so much more then you will ever know. You see, that's exactly what they did-or rather, that's exactly what God used them for on this night. He showed me comfort. A comfort that I would not have experienced had I not been challenged to talk about the pain. Healing is good, this is true. But where does healing come from? It comes from first feeling the pain. Pain can yield healing, it can eventually lead to healing, and with the power and grace of the Lord, it will. But we must first take off the temporary bandages that we have put over the wounds to stop the bleeding. We must first be willing to feel the pain, experience the hot tears running down our face, let the blood of the deep cut run until it can run no longer. We must feel the pain before we can experience the healing. Needless to say, healing is hard. It's a process. It's baby steps. It can take a long time. It's hard because it forces you to feel the pain. Forces you to feel what it is that is making you so desperate and in need of healing. But you see, that's the beauty of it all-because there is healing. There is a band aid that is not just temporary, but its permanent-and it's called the love and grace of Jesus Christ. He promises to mend our broken hearts. We can't escape him. Thus, we can't escape his healing power. So long as we live in this world, there will be pain. We live in a broken world, one we were not created to live in. But the Lord promises to not forsake us. He will not leave us. In times of darkness, in times of shame and loneliness-he promises to pull us through. No matter what we do, no matter what we are feeling, he is never far away.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (The God of all comfort)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also are you sharers of our comfort."

When we read through this at small group on that Tuesday night, a cord was struck in my heart. For the first time in a couple weeks, there was a sense of peace brought to this weary heart of mine. And so I couldn't help but cry. And if you know me, you know I don't do that very often. But the Lord shook me so much, he pulled my heart out of the hiding place I thought I had left it, and he made me feel. Yes, there was the feeling of pain. But greater then this was the feeling of comfort. The feeling of his love wrapping around my broken bones. The feeling of his godliness accepting my humanness, in all of my sin, and just taking me as I was. Broken. Bruised. Dirty. Covered in shame. Covered in sin. I was hurting. My heart was broken. Broken because I had hurt a friend and broken because she had hurt me. And he took me in all my humanity and showered comfort on me. Poured it on in the midst of the suffering. He did exactly what he said he would do.

The beautiful part of it all, is that God was already aware of my heart. He already knew what it was feeling. He already knew what it was desiring. Let me offer myself here open and honestly with something that my heart, as a woman of God, has an extreme need of: I have a needing to be needed. I want others to need me. I want others to confide in me, to trust me enough with their heart that they will share it with me and allow me to see it as it really is. It's one of my deepest needs: to be needed. Interesting don't you think? Another thing that I do, or that I find myself doing more often then I would like to admit, is that I look to others to provide for my needs. Instead of letting the Lord meet my needs, instead of depending completely on him and the truth that he will supply, I look to others. I look to close companions. I look to people. But more specifically, not just "people," but to my closest friends. And so this is what I did with this particular person. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to trust me enough so that she would confide in me. I wanted all of her heart. But what I realized was pretty selfish of me was that, although I wanted all of her heart, I wasn't willing to give her mine. And for awhile, she really did need me. Or at least I felt like it. And it felt good of course, because one of my deepest desires, to be needed, was being fulfilled. I was looking to her to fulfill that desire. I wanted to be needed, and there she was needing me, so of course I felt content. But then time went on and things changed, and soon she didn't need me like she once did. And that hurt. All of a sudden my desire to be needed was no longer fulfilled by her because she wasn't needing me like she used to. I was hurt. I became angry although I didn't realize at the time just how upset it really made me. And apart from all of this, I realized that I had been looking for her to meet some of my other needs. I wanted her to love me exactly how I thought she did. I wanted her to give me all of her heart and take what I gave her of my heart and cherish that. No, I didn't give her my whole heart, but what I did I wanted her to save it and hold on to it. I wanted her to give me all the love in the world-and more. In a nutshell, I was depending on her for what I should have been depending on God for. I was looking for her to fulfill desires of mine that only God can provide and fulfill. I was placing expectations on her-expectations to always love me how I though was necessary, to always be here for me, to never let me down, to never hurt me. All of these are expectations we should be looking to God to uphold. Because he does and he has and he always will. But I was looking to her to meet these expectations. They went unspoken-for I never told her I expected these things from her. But they also were expectations I didn't even know I was making for her. They were unrealistic, but I put them on her. It's like a high jump event at a track meet-when the coach demands that the bar be placed so high without even thinking twice about it-and he just assumes that you'll make it over. Well, that's what I did. I just assumed that this friend of mine could make the jump. That she could live up to this bar, this idealistic expectation of mine. An expectation that only God can uphold. One that I certainly could not dream of upholding myself in all my wildest dreams. Even if I tried. I would fail. Anyone would.

Luke 6:35 "But love...and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return"

Job 41:9 "Behold, your expectation is false."

My expectations put on this friend were false, for the simple fact that I put expectations on her at all! Not to mention, they were completely unrealistic. I know this sounds strange, trust me I do. It sounds strange to say that we shouldn't put expectations on one another. As if by saying that, I am also insulting her-saying that she is not worthy to have any expectations put upon her by me. That's not what I'm trying to portray here-and I certainly do not mean it as any sort of insult, but not expecting anything from her, or anyone for that matter. What I'm saying is that the Lord calls us to expect great things from Him. But how often do we forget this and put these expectations on one another? We look to the world to fulfill our deepest needs and desires. All along, God knows all of these, even the ones we are unaware of. He is the ultimate fulfillment. Yet, we turn to the world and to one another to fill them? Hmmm....something about that doesn't quite make sense. Time and time again the world lets us down. It will continue to. And when it comes to friendship-I am a firm believer that a true friend, a real friend, will never let you go. But that is not equivalent to saying he/she will never let you down. And I must admit that far too often I mesh those together and see them as the same thing. I start believing that a real friend will never, or should never at least, let me down. I forget that not letting me go is not the same as letting me down. A real friend can let me down and will let me down, but still never let me go. Because we are human-we will hurt one another. We will let one another down. We will truly never be enough for the other person. We can't be. We can't be another person's everything. Only God can be. God blesses us deeply and richly when he gives us a close friend. An unforgettable friend. A friend who will, despite anything that happens, will never let us go. That is the mark of a true friend in my book. But that does not mean he/she will not let me down. And it is not fair to that person for me to expect that she will never let me down, or disappoint me, or hurt me. Because, just as she will, so too will I towards her. I will hurt her, I will let her down, I will disappoint her. That's what happened. That's what has happened. We have hurt one another. We have failed to meet one another's unspoken, unrealistic expectations that we set for one another that we didn't even know we were setting or putting on the other person to meet. And so when the other person, in all her humanity and imperfection, failed to meet those expectations, the other person fell hard. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. The fall was a long and hard one because the expectation was so high and so big. We expected too much. And when we couldn't meet these expectations for one another, we were left falling. We hit the ground. And our hearts were broken. And now we're left feeling the repercussions of it all.

I had needs and desires and expectations for you friend. I wanted you to meet all of these. Time and time again, since the beginning of this friendship, this wonderful friendship, I wanted and expected certain things from you-from this friendship of ours. I forgot to look to God to find all of these things. For him to fulfill all of these within me. I doubted when he told me that he will be the supplier of all my needs. Rather, what I was actually saying was this: "But this friend of mine God, she can fulfill that need for me." The minute you let me down I was crushed. The minute you didn't meet my expectations, I got angry. I got hurt. I got disappointed and sad.

What would the world be like if we didn't place these unrealistic expectations on one another? On any relationship-family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, anything? How different would our world be if we started looking solely to God to fulfill our everything, as we have been called to do since the beginning? We have all these things, such a long list of things that we want a significant other person, such as a close friend, to meet and the minute they don't we are crushed. What then do we do? Well, in my experience with this friend, our response has been this: we drive miles of distance in between us. We do it out of the anger we have towards one another. We do it out of the hurt that has come from letting one another down and the anger that has come from feeling let down. We don't want to be let down, hurt or have our expectations go unmet anymore. We don't want to risk letting the other person hurt us so badly again, so we create distance. We drive a wedge and a mountain in between us. Wide enough and tall enough and big enough so we can be sure that we will never again be hurt. We make certain that this person can never get close enough to us, close enough to our hearts, that they will hurt us again. We lock up, we shut down, we get angry and we get passive aggressive. And before you know it, so much time has passed that we become complacent and numb in the friendship-if you can even call it a friendship anymore. We don't think about it. It's simply a part of the past now. A painful memory that we wish to keep far away from our heart and mind so that we don't have to feel the pain. We try to keep it far away, for we know it creeps up close enough to the forefront of our heart and mind, then we will be faced with thinking about it. And thinking about it means we will have to feel something. And that feeling something will involve pain. The band aid will have to be removed. The blood will have to be set free to flow. The scar will open up.

Dear friend, what I pray is this: that you and I will both remember the truth that the Lord promises us in 2 Corinthians as our God of all compassion and comfort: He promises to comfort us. He promises to heal us. To comfort and heal us from this pain. This pain that has been boiling in us and trapped in us and this friendship for far too long. He promises to bring healing, but we must realize that we are being healed from past pains-pains that hurt. And we cannot fully experience that healing if we refuse to feel the pain. We cannot fully experience the amazing healing power of Jesus Christ in this friendship if we continue to be numb to the pain, to be complacent, to leave it buried in the past as a past and painful memory that we hope to never re visit again. If we let our anger get the best of us. If he let the hurt and the pain and awful ache that it has caused-and the anger that it has produced as a result-swallow us whole. If we shut down our hearts to the idea of forgiveness-real forgiveness...then healing can never come. If we push the past aside as something that never happened, if we refuse to be open and honest with one another about our hurting and our grievences, if we pretend as if none of this happened at all-then the heart will only grow harder towards one another. Christ alone is the only one who can soften our hearts. In our flesh, in our humanity, we cannot do it alone. Christ alone is the only one who can allow us to forgive as he forgave. We alone, cannot do it. There is forgivness to be found. There is healing in this friendship yet to be discovered. There is maturity and growth to be experienced. The question is: are you ready to find it? Are you ready to discover it? Are you ready to allow the Lord to move in you and your heart so that you can experience it? Dear friend, I am praying for you.