Yellow Light: Time to Slow Down

Reading through the Ragamuffin Gospel last night, I cam upon Psalm 8. After turning the lights off, my music was playing softly and as I listened I heard lyrics that closely resembled this Psalm from Third Day’s “The Offering.” When things like this happen, I cannot help but think God is trying to get my attention…and when I open my heart to his truth and my eyes and ears to the many ways he may chose to speak to me, I find him in things like what happened tonight: scripture and song lyrics colliding. Scripture that was pulled from a book I am reading. It is times like these, where although some may call it coincidence, I like to think of it as God calling our attention to really listen. He grabs at our hearts and steal sour eyes and thoughts from anything that may be consuming or distracting us. And in a quiet still moment like last night, as I lie awake simply breathing, the Lord opened my heart to receive his truth.

Many times I find myself frustrated, thinking I am never hearing or seeing God. Frustrated, feeling my heart is receiving nothing. But then God reminds me, as he humbles me completely, that it is not that he is not speaking to me, moving all around me and through me, or pouring into my heart all the time-but rather I am simply too busy to listen. Too busy to watch and to feel. I am the one too busy for God, not the other way around. Imagine that, ironic isn’t it? We are always so anxious and determined and thirsty to FEEL something. Yet all along we are too busy or distracted to feel the most important thing of all-the only thing that can truly fulfill all of our deepest longings and desires. God is constantly pouring his Holy Spirit into our hearts, just has he says in Titus 3: 5-6 “He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior.” And he constantly is showing us and teaching us his truth. We simply don’t take the time to look around us, to open our eyes and our ears. We get consumed and distracted by this all too busy world.

I believe in the power of calling on Christ to open our hearts, eyes, ears and minds to him. But I also believe that we must be willing to submit ourselves completely to him. For until we do, we will only continue to be too busy to see and hear and feel his truth. I cannot explain the peace that comes over me as I call on Christ, “Come Lord Jesus, Come” on an evening like last night…where I am completely still, letting all thoughts be carried away like the tides of the ocean. And as I call on him to meet me in this place, to quiet my heart and my busy mind, firmly believing that he will answer…well it is times like these where I hear him. I am no longer too busy to notice the connection between a song, a book and scripture. Coincidence though it may seem-I trust that I is God getting through to me and making me listing by ringing something like that in my heart. Coincidence after all is simply God’s way of reminding us he’s present. It is in the simple and quiet moments, when we allow God to speak rather then trying to do all the talking, that God may reveal himself in the most real and radical ways. He is never far away. If we would only take the time to slow down, watch and listen. I think then we would find a taste of serenity being completely filled by his presence in this place-completely aware of his love and the pouring out of this Holy Spirit onto us.

Psalm 8: 1, 3-4 “O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all of the earth! When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?”

“Offering” (Third Day): “Magnificent, Holy Father. I stand in awe of all I see. Of all the things you have created, and still you choose to think of me. Who am I that you should suffer your very life to set me free? The only thing that I can give you is the very life you gave to me. This is my offering, dear Lord.”

The Pulse of a Beating Heart

I am blessed. The Lord has blessed me in countless ways through he gift of community, relationships and love in friendship. When I look around I cannot help but notice that my world would be of so much less value and so less meaningful if I didn’t have the ones I love surrounding me. Last night I was reminded of just how precious, important and meaningful relationships and community really is. The joy that comes form love in friendship is unmistakable and irreplaceable. It is unique and rare. And something that should be, and can never be treasured too much. Yes the accountability part is difficult. And yes so is the hard truth. But in any real friendship-if it’s a real friendship at all-must involve both truth and grace. Without accountability, the foundation becomes unfirm. You might as well build your house on quick sand. If you authentically love and genuinely care about one another then you will hold one another accountable-not because it’s easy but because you love and care. Their heart is your heart. If it breaks so too does yours. If it cries out in joy, then yours cries out as well. Sometimes it can be far too easy to lose sight of the meaning and importance behind community with one another. We let our time become consumed by things that are far less important. Suddenly to-do lists and our busy lifestyles get the best of us. Before we know it we have become slaves to our calendars and scheduling books. We being to make less and less time for one another. Sharing life becomes less of a priority as we begin to sadly confuse and seriously mix up our priorities. We being making more time for things we say we value less and less time for things we value more-like community. We do not practice what we preach. We are now caught in a lie and humbled to our core. Our practice fails our theory. My priorities have certainly been pretty screwed up lately. And what I say I value has not been what my actions would prove to justify. Accountability was lost. Hard trust became a less relevant and more foreign term. And what I’ve noticed is this: as distance is created (inevitably as a result of less time being poured into sharing life together), walls are put up. And not just walls-but barricades! We get less vulnerable and put them up around the depths of our inner most beings and hearts. Or at least I can say this is true for me. Suddenly I feel the need to hide the dirty hallways of my heart. I panic that others-those that I love and who love me-will somehow think less of me. It’s a slippery slope and a vicious cycle. And if we don’t catch one another, it is a cycle that can be stayed on for far too long. I don’t know about you, but this is a cycle I want absolutely nothing to do with. Since I’ve come to college and finally learned for the first time in my life about the beauty of community and the real meaning of it, it has become water for me. I thirst for it and when I don’t have it, I don’t feel well at all. We must be poured into before we can ever hope to pour into others. How can we do that without making time for one another? Sharing life together is not and should never be an obligation-but it most certainly is a blessing and a heavenly joy that should be taken full advantage of rather then taken for granted. I have been molded, matured and grown into the person I am today because of these special relationships and strong community that God has blessed me with and used in countless ways. I have been poured into and over flown by love in friendship. Sometimes I consider myself spoiled by it-as if I’m one of the lucky ones who really knows what it feels like to be surrounded by a faithful and grounded community of friends who feel like family. Friends who have come into my life, left footprints on my heart and made me a part of their storybook called life. Friends who deserve a title so much more than “friends” because they are a community that feels like home. Coming home to them is like coming home. I never thought possible to be cared about and discipled and loved the way that I have been since I’ve come to college.

I admit that my priorities have gotten mixed up. Lord knows I have valued by my actions those things which I believe in my heart are of significantly less importance compared to authentic relationships. Last night it hit me that it makes perfect sense as to why life is simply better lately-it’s because the importance ahs begun to be put back on friendship and community. I thank you God for convicting me and opening my eyes to your truth. To this truth. And I thank you for how you have done so through those who love me-who have noticed me slipping away from community and in a loving way have pulled me back. Through these friends you have showed me my wrongs in a truthful yet graceful manner. Thank you for having them reach out to me, hold me accountable, feed me hard truth and love me through it all. And I thank you for reminding me in countless ways recently, the beauty and necessity and joy that is to be found in community with loved ones. Thank you for reminding me that it is water to my lips and a beating pulse to my heart. I have realized just how much this type of rare love is to be treasured and valued. And I’m still realizing it more and more each day as you show it to me in the smallest, yet most wonderful ways. The joy that my heart finds in it has been awaken. And I never want to lose sight of it again. I want the walls down. I want to be completely free. I want to receive truth and grace and to give both as well. I want to put into practice and live out in my daily life what it is I say I value. What Christ values is what my heart desires too-and I want my life to reflect that.

I am 20 years old and I have been shown love in friendship-authentic community. Something that many people may spend their entire lives searching for. I am blessed. I never knew what I was missing until I was given it. It has been found in this life of mine and I thank God for every piece of it. We were meant to live in community with one another after all. Just like the Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Our lives are called to reflect that and I cannot deny that that sort of community is something my heart desires and thirsts for. If our lives are made to reflect the Lords then of course we will desire what he desires: community. I long for it. Thank you God for pulling me back by your power and mercy from where I was losing sight of this truth. Thank you for loving me enough that you would surround me with true community-that I may see your love for me reflected in their lives and the ways they love me. I am overwhelmed by your love for me. I look around at these friendships that have become family-these real pieces of relationship-and I am overwhelmed by your presence here with me. I’m caught up in your goodness and completely aware of your beauty. I am left in wonder and awe at how much you love me. Or at least I’m getting a much better picture of it. That is enough to stop me in my tracks and leave me speechless as I fall down on my knees, wrapped up in your love. I have felt your touch as you have touched me through the lives of others. This is the power of the Holy Spirit that cannot be properly explained in words but simply felt in the quenching joy of our hearts. My life is being changed by community. My life has been changed by your love. Community and true love in friendship-it’s a gift from you and its your Holy Spirit completely present-as we love one another and share life together. It’s Christ Jesus loving us through one another. So dear friend, if I can feel you loving me then I can rest assured that it is the Holy Spirit in you, God working through you to show me his love. And then I have no doubt that I’m feeling him and his love for me. God is present and that in itself is a heavenly present.

Resonate with the Word

This evening, as I sit down to write this, I am truly only going to let the lyrics of the song “Offering” (Third Day) and the words from scripture 1 John 4:18 (There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love) resonate in my heart as I reflect and meditate on them. Whatever comes of it I will write down and trust that it is God putting in on my heart-what he wants me to hear, to learn, think and pray about. So Lord Jesus come. Come Lord Jesus Come. Help me to meditate on these lyrics and scripture, that I may be drawn closer to the heart of who you are and all that you have to show me. Open my heart and my mind to you alone Lord and your truth. And may it all be glorifying in your sight and pleasing to you. I come as your child to hear your truth. Speak to my heart o God…

Lord I want to be drawn closer to you. I want to be so overwhelmed by your love for me and the depth of my sin and the death you suffered on that cross for my sake, that I cannot help but fall down on my knees in sweet surrender to you and your love. Your love that showed me how to love. Showed me what it even meant-because you so loved me first. I want to wake up every morning and go to bed every evening with the desire to lay my life down as an offering. To just give it all to you, though it may seem like little, it is all I have. All I have is yours. But right now Lord, that “feeling” that I so badly want doesn’t seem to be there. I can’t seem to realize the depth of my sin or have the desire to surrender down before you on my knees. And then I fear that because of that ugly truth about myself, I will somehow be punished. Something will happen or be taken away as a form of punishment. And now Lord I am led to scripture where I find my only comfort as you tell me there is no fear in love! Perfect love drives out fear! Fear has to do with punishment and that is exactly what I have just experienced. My fear that that “feeling” will not come back or my desire to surrender is forever lost-it is that very fear that has led me to be fearful of wrath and punishment as I feel the weight of my sinful nature. Lord I want to be at rest in your peace knowing your love is perfect and I need not fear. But I also want to be able to look at that ugly sin of mine and then realize you still love me-to be completely overwhelmed that I fall down before you. So maybe it’s not all about the “feeling.” In fact I trust that it is not. Feelings come and go. I cannot equate the working power of the Holy Spirit for a feeling. You are constant-a never ending presence in my life. Feeling flee but you do not. I do not want my hope to be diminished because I do not “feel” what I want to. I want my hope to rest in the fact that you are always with me though feelings may come and go. It is so much more then feelings-it surpasses them all. God I want to look at the suffering in the world and still believe that you’re in it. And I want to suffer if only to become more faithful in you. And then I want to suffer on your behalf-as my lover and my father and my everything. And lay my life down before you as an offering, just as you came and gave up your own life so that a wretched sinner like me might live. I don’t want to live in fear or sleepless nights that you will forsake me. I don’t want to fear that a fire has not or will not burn within me for you. I want my life to be a reflection of how much I love you. Everything I do I want to follow you in it. I want my heart to be softened and my path made straight. I want to go where you want me to go and not according to my own plan. I want my life to reflect you God and not to spend my days going through the motions-doing things without passion or purpose-buffing up my resume or my pride as my integrity and humility fade. I want to be a light in this world so that others may know you and experience your love for them. And I want to take the time to look around me and see how much you love me. I so crave the desire-I want to have the desire even more-to know you, draw near to you, and completely rely and surrender to you and not this world. I want to be in chains of your love. My life-an offering to you my King.

Lost by the world. Found by Christ.

Right now, although I feel lost, thirsty for community, thirsty for the Lord, and ready to release the sin that has been burdening me for far too long-I can say that what I truly want is exactly what the song lyrics “Holy One” (Rush of Fools) sings about. Because I have hurt so many people. I have become complacent and apathetic in my sin and my life. I have lied. I have run in shame and guilt. I have been a coward. I am beginning to see just how dark my sin is. What am I looking for? What am I longing for? What am I desiring and thirsting for? I’m tired of living like this. I want more. I want freedom. Complete freedom from all my deep dark sin. I want fire in me. Renewal of passion. I want t olive again-and not how the world tells me. I have to start somewhere. Do something. But I don’t know what that is or what that looks like. And for the first time I’m trying not to have it all figured out. Not to have the answers as to what I should do from here. I want to so badly just surrender to God and let him take me upon his wings-that I may soar into sweet freedom with him. Away from trying to figure it all out. And right now I have a pen in my hand and I have a Bible next to me. And all I really want is Jesus. I feel like I am drowning in so much dirt and filth. I want to live again. Be honest. Be faithful. Be on fire for the Lord. Because I am so prone to wander….like that Shawn McDonald song, “Hold On” speaks about. I am a wanderer and I so badly want the Lord to hold on to me. I want to hear him, see him, look for him, feel him and follow him. I want to be consumed by his love-every drip, like honey on my lips. I want him to pour out his water onto me so that I might take a sip. Because right now these are dark and lonely streets. And all I really need is him. I don’t want to be lost, confused and wandering anymore. I don’t want to be too proud to admit the truth. And I don’t want a band-aid to cover the wound. I want renewal. I want this busy mind to be cleared as he pours his mercy out on me. I want a new start. I want these chains of my sin to be broken. I want to live and love like Jesus. What am I looking for? I want to be looking for you, Christ. I have a sinful nature that has led me astray. My heart has given into desires of this world-that are not of you. That are unfulfilling. I want to put on the new self, created to be like you. I want to look for you and listen for you. And when I hear you and when I find you=I want to go with you. And do unto others as I would have done unto me. I want the Holy Spirit to pour down on me, cleanse me, and fill me. I’m sick of being tired, bored, lazy, complacent, impassionate and undriven in my faith and life being lived out for the Lord. I want to live a life completely opposite of all these definitions. I want to be naked in all my sin put before you Lord. Naked and broken I come before you. I want to be filled and on fire for you. I want my innermost being to overflow with joy and love for you. I want my life to be your life and to live today for you alone. I want to look around me in this messy and all too imperfect world and find you in all of it. Because you are good and you are perfect. I don’t want to hide or run. I’m tired of being ashamed when I look deep into myself. The hallways of my heart are messy and filthy. I am prideful. I am proud. I am a liar. I am so selfish. I am living a life where my faith and fire for the Lord and serving others has become lazy, apathetic and complacent. I’ve lied to myself only to make myself feel like this isn’t true. I’ve been in denial. But the brutal honest is this: it’s all true. That is how I’ve been living and how I feel. And lying to myself doesn’t help. The ache only deepens and the longing never ceases. A longing for something more. Something real-that these lies I tell to myself cannot provide, because they’re lies and will never be true. I lie to myself about things I long for. I wan them and so I lie to myself that I have them. But I don’t. I only wish I did. All I want is for them to be real. I long to be trustworthy. I long for my family and community. I long to be real-no lies allowed. I long to not feel ashamed or running in guilt. I long to not be apathetic or complacent. I long to be on fire for the Lord, for serving others and for life. I don’t want to lie to myself that these desires are fulfilled in my life right now because they are not. I have been looking all the wrong places to fulfill them. And lying to myself that I have them has done nothing but dig a deeper, lonelier hole in my heart-it has only made the thirst worse. I’m scared that I’m slipping. So far away that I won’t be able to make it back up-like I’ll be stuck here forever. Lord please save me from this awful state. Bring to be a better place. I want to feel again Lord. I want to be on fire again. I am so fearful that I am lost for good. This feels like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I can’t do this alone. God please hear my cry. Whatever is left for this heart to cry out-let it be real. Let it be from a place so real inside of me, that I cannot mistake it for anything but a truthful cry. Let me know that it is a real cry for help. I want to lay myself at your feet, my bare bones and this bare sole and this thirsty heart. I want to lay myself at the foot of your cross with my dirty feet and my dirty face and my sinful hands. And I want your grace. And your mercy. And your forgiveness. And your love. And I want to change. I want to change Lord. Because I love you. Because you first loved me. You have shown me how much you love me. I do not want to run ashamed at who I am-with these dark pockets of my heart. You see it all and still offer me your loving hand and merciful heart. You welcome me in. And I want my heart to be touched by you. I want my heart, my soul, my everything, to cry out to you . I can’t live complacent, going through the motions anymore-Lord get me out of here! Lord please save me. Show me you, truth, something, anything. You say for me to ask and I will receive. Well I ask for you alone. Nothing else. Just you. Please don’t leave me God. You are all I have and all I want to cling to. Where do I go? God, what do I do? And let me heart’s ache cry out to you a real cry for help. Lord do not leave me hear. Do not forsake me. Open up my eyes and ears and mind-so I can know, and hear and see. Open up my heart so I can love you more. I want to serve you God. I want to give you everything my King. Let the enemy not win but may your love overwhelm me so much that I fall before you, captivated and kidnapped into your arms and into safety. Away from this dark place and into the light.

2 Chronicles 15:2-“And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him.”

John 3:19-21: “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”