Right now, although I feel lost, thirsty for community, thirsty for the Lord, and ready to release the sin that has been burdening me for far too long-I can say that what I truly want is exactly what the song lyrics “Holy One” (Rush of Fools) sings about. Because I have hurt so many people. I have become complacent and apathetic in my sin and my life. I have lied. I have run in shame and guilt. I have been a coward. I am beginning to see just how dark my sin is. What am I looking for? What am I longing for? What am I desiring and thirsting for? I’m tired of living like this. I want more. I want freedom. Complete freedom from all my deep dark sin. I want fire in me. Renewal of passion. I want t olive again-and not how the world tells me. I have to start somewhere. Do something. But I don’t know what that is or what that looks like. And for the first time I’m trying not to have it all figured out. Not to have the answers as to what I should do from here. I want to so badly just surrender to God and let him take me upon his wings-that I may soar into sweet freedom with him. Away from trying to figure it all out. And right now I have a pen in my hand and I have a Bible next to me. And all I really want is Jesus. I feel like I am drowning in so much dirt and filth. I want to live again. Be honest. Be faithful. Be on fire for the Lord. Because I am so prone to wander….like that Shawn McDonald song, “Hold On” speaks about. I am a wanderer and I so badly want the Lord to hold on to me. I want to hear him, see him, look for him, feel him and follow him. I want to be consumed by his love-every drip, like honey on my lips. I want him to pour out his water onto me so that I might take a sip. Because right now these are dark and lonely streets. And all I really need is him. I don’t want to be lost, confused and wandering anymore. I don’t want to be too proud to admit the truth. And I don’t want a band-aid to cover the wound. I want renewal. I want this busy mind to be cleared as he pours his mercy out on me. I want a new start. I want these chains of my sin to be broken. I want to live and love like Jesus. What am I looking for? I want to be looking for you, Christ. I have a sinful nature that has led me astray. My heart has given into desires of this world-that are not of you. That are unfulfilling. I want to put on the new self, created to be like you. I want to look for you and listen for you. And when I hear you and when I find you=I want to go with you. And do unto others as I would have done unto me. I want the Holy Spirit to pour down on me, cleanse me, and fill me. I’m sick of being tired, bored, lazy, complacent, impassionate and undriven in my faith and life being lived out for the Lord. I want to live a life completely opposite of all these definitions. I want to be naked in all my sin put before you Lord. Naked and broken I come before you. I want to be filled and on fire for you. I want my innermost being to overflow with joy and love for you. I want my life to be your life and to live today for you alone. I want to look around me in this messy and all too imperfect world and find you in all of it. Because you are good and you are perfect. I don’t want to hide or run. I’m tired of being ashamed when I look deep into myself. The hallways of my heart are messy and filthy. I am prideful. I am proud. I am a liar. I am so selfish. I am living a life where my faith and fire for the Lord and serving others has become lazy, apathetic and complacent. I’ve lied to myself only to make myself feel like this isn’t true. I’ve been in denial. But the brutal honest is this: it’s all true. That is how I’ve been living and how I feel. And lying to myself doesn’t help. The ache only deepens and the longing never ceases. A longing for something more. Something real-that these lies I tell to myself cannot provide, because they’re lies and will never be true. I lie to myself about things I long for. I wan them and so I lie to myself that I have them. But I don’t. I only wish I did. All I want is for them to be real. I long to be trustworthy. I long for my family and community. I long to be real-no lies allowed. I long to not feel ashamed or running in guilt. I long to not be apathetic or complacent. I long to be on fire for the Lord, for serving others and for life. I don’t want to lie to myself that these desires are fulfilled in my life right now because they are not. I have been looking all the wrong places to fulfill them. And lying to myself that I have them has done nothing but dig a deeper, lonelier hole in my heart-it has only made the thirst worse. I’m scared that I’m slipping. So far away that I won’t be able to make it back up-like I’ll be stuck here forever. Lord please save me from this awful state. Bring to be a better place. I want to feel again Lord. I want to be on fire again. I am so fearful that I am lost for good. This feels like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I can’t do this on my own anymore. I can’t do this alone. God please hear my cry. Whatever is left for this heart to cry out-let it be real. Let it be from a place so real inside of me, that I cannot mistake it for anything but a truthful cry. Let me know that it is a real cry for help. I want to lay myself at your feet, my bare bones and this bare sole and this thirsty heart. I want to lay myself at the foot of your cross with my dirty feet and my dirty face and my sinful hands. And I want your grace. And your mercy. And your forgiveness. And your love. And I want to change. I want to change Lord. Because I love you. Because you first loved me. You have shown me how much you love me. I do not want to run ashamed at who I am-with these dark pockets of my heart. You see it all and still offer me your loving hand and merciful heart. You welcome me in. And I want my heart to be touched by you. I want my heart, my soul, my everything, to cry out to you . I can’t live complacent, going through the motions anymore-Lord get me out of here! Lord please save me. Show me you, truth, something, anything. You say for me to ask and I will receive. Well I ask for you alone. Nothing else. Just you. Please don’t leave me God. You are all I have and all I want to cling to. Where do I go? God, what do I do? And let me heart’s ache cry out to you a real cry for help. Lord do not leave me hear. Do not forsake me. Open up my eyes and ears and mind-so I can know, and hear and see. Open up my heart so I can love you more. I want to serve you God. I want to give you everything my King. Let the enemy not win but may your love overwhelm me so much that I fall before you, captivated and kidnapped into your arms and into safety. Away from this dark place and into the light.
2 Chronicles 15:2-“And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him.”
John 3:19-21: “This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”
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