A broken friendship: Feeling the pain of unmet expectations

A few weeks ago at small group, we went through Luke 4: 38-39, talking about the healing power of Jesus. I was tired when I came to small group and to be completely honest, my mind was not feeling exactly "open" to taking in anything. My heart seemed to be a part from my body when I walked into the door, but where exactly it was, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that it was somewhere far away hurting. Feeling the bleeding and the scarring and the open wounds of a broken friendship. It was torn. It was left there to bleed, all the while I was doing everything I could do hold the tears back. So I walked into my small group, with repressed tears and a bleeding heart that I couldn't seem to even locate. I had tried to take my heart and all its feelings out of me the past few days prior to this small group, because the pain I was feeling was almost too much to bear. I decided that maybe becoming numb to it all would be better then feeling the hurt and pain. Typing this now, I am almost led to laugh at myself, for the way I responded to this is all to typical for me. I feel the hurt, I experience the pain. And my flesh is led to try and become numb to it all. Numb enough so I won't feel the pain. Numb enough so if the scar becomes an open wound, maybe it won't bleed as much as it normally would. Anyone who knows me well enough can testify that this is true of me. To be completely honest, its something about me that I've always been ashamed about. I hate that I do that. That I shut down, push it all out, try to become numb to it all. It's a nasty habit of mine that I have done my entire life, although I was unaware that I did it until I started getting called out on it. A perfect demonstration of accountability-thank you to that person who loved me enough to call me out on it. You know who you are.

My issue with becoming numb and putting up walls and shutting down is a topic for another day. For now, let me go back to where this all started with small group. This tangent I have gotten off on does relate to the story, I promise. What I was originally saying, is that I came to small group broken hearted, beat up and with a close mind. All I wanted to do was sleep it all away. I was tired. Restless. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. Confused. And overwhelmed. I wanted an escape. I wanted a way out. I had been feeling this way for a couple weeks but each day it hadworsened. That is, until this Tuesday evening small group. My reasoning for feeling this heart ache and brokenness? It was the result of a broken friendship. My reasoning for mentioning this Tuesday night small group so many times? Because it is here where God found me, rescued me, opened up my spirit and my heart to his, and led me to a beautiful escape with him. It's as if he literally came down, picked me up, dusted off my dirty shirt, wiped the tears from my face, and placed his hand over my broken heart. It was in this very moment where I could feel how much the Lord loves me. I had been running in shame because of my disappointment and anger with myself. I was angry with how I had hurt this friend of mine. Angry at myself. Ashamed at my actions that had hurt her so badly, all of which I did unintentionally, which perhaps made it even worse. I was disappointed in myself, upset with myself, so frustrated with myself, for I had hurt someone who always had meant so much to me. Someone who confided in me. Someone who loved me unconditionally. A real friend who I had hurt-in so many ways. And what was even worse, is that I was completely unaware for so long just how badly I was hurting her. I was unaware of just how many things I was doing that were causing her pain in this friendship. I was ignorant. I was removed. I was completely unaware. This, more than anything else is why I was feeling the broken heart-not just because the friendship was at a breaking point, but because so much of what happened to make it become broken, was a result of my actions in the friendship, my behavior, that was unintentionally hurting this friend so badly...and I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. If that isn't a bold face reminder of my humanity and the depth of my sin...A reminder of just how capable we are of hurting others because we are human, we are sinners, we are not perfect. It was humbling really. To be reminded of what my flesh is capable of. To be reminded of just how sinful and human I really am.

Okay, now, back to the beginning....Luke 4:38-39. As the evening continued at small group, I could feel the Lord pulling at my heart. And it hurt. Because like I said, I wanted to be numb to it all. All the pain that I was feeling from this broken friendship. So when he started pulling at my heart with scripture, he was making me think about it. Relating everything to this broken friendship. And you know what I realized? I realized that not only was I so upset because I was becoming aware finally, of how much I had hurt this friend, but it was also because I was indeed hurt myself. This friend of mine, this dear friend, had hurt me to. She had, unintentionally just like me, without even knowing it, caused me so much pain. And the worst part was that she didn't even know she had done it. I know her heart well enough that I know she never would intend on hurting me. But like me, she too is human. And so like me, she caused pain. I was feeling the affects of past inequities that she had done unto me that, for the first time, I was realizing really did hurt a lot worst then I had ever let on before. A lot more then I had ever fully realized. Her and I are the same. Human. Sinners. Capable of causing great pain in one another's lives. And we did.

This small group of mine is one of the greatest blessings in my life. They make me talk about it. About the hurt and the pain. Even when I want to shut down and cry and hold back. They make me open up. Because they want me to experience the God of all comfort. For you girls-thank you. Your accountability and your love for me means so much more then you will ever know. You see, that's exactly what they did-or rather, that's exactly what God used them for on this night. He showed me comfort. A comfort that I would not have experienced had I not been challenged to talk about the pain. Healing is good, this is true. But where does healing come from? It comes from first feeling the pain. Pain can yield healing, it can eventually lead to healing, and with the power and grace of the Lord, it will. But we must first take off the temporary bandages that we have put over the wounds to stop the bleeding. We must first be willing to feel the pain, experience the hot tears running down our face, let the blood of the deep cut run until it can run no longer. We must feel the pain before we can experience the healing. Needless to say, healing is hard. It's a process. It's baby steps. It can take a long time. It's hard because it forces you to feel the pain. Forces you to feel what it is that is making you so desperate and in need of healing. But you see, that's the beauty of it all-because there is healing. There is a band aid that is not just temporary, but its permanent-and it's called the love and grace of Jesus Christ. He promises to mend our broken hearts. We can't escape him. Thus, we can't escape his healing power. So long as we live in this world, there will be pain. We live in a broken world, one we were not created to live in. But the Lord promises to not forsake us. He will not leave us. In times of darkness, in times of shame and loneliness-he promises to pull us through. No matter what we do, no matter what we are feeling, he is never far away.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (The God of all comfort)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also are you sharers of our comfort."

When we read through this at small group on that Tuesday night, a cord was struck in my heart. For the first time in a couple weeks, there was a sense of peace brought to this weary heart of mine. And so I couldn't help but cry. And if you know me, you know I don't do that very often. But the Lord shook me so much, he pulled my heart out of the hiding place I thought I had left it, and he made me feel. Yes, there was the feeling of pain. But greater then this was the feeling of comfort. The feeling of his love wrapping around my broken bones. The feeling of his godliness accepting my humanness, in all of my sin, and just taking me as I was. Broken. Bruised. Dirty. Covered in shame. Covered in sin. I was hurting. My heart was broken. Broken because I had hurt a friend and broken because she had hurt me. And he took me in all my humanity and showered comfort on me. Poured it on in the midst of the suffering. He did exactly what he said he would do.

The beautiful part of it all, is that God was already aware of my heart. He already knew what it was feeling. He already knew what it was desiring. Let me offer myself here open and honestly with something that my heart, as a woman of God, has an extreme need of: I have a needing to be needed. I want others to need me. I want others to confide in me, to trust me enough with their heart that they will share it with me and allow me to see it as it really is. It's one of my deepest needs: to be needed. Interesting don't you think? Another thing that I do, or that I find myself doing more often then I would like to admit, is that I look to others to provide for my needs. Instead of letting the Lord meet my needs, instead of depending completely on him and the truth that he will supply, I look to others. I look to close companions. I look to people. But more specifically, not just "people," but to my closest friends. And so this is what I did with this particular person. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to trust me enough so that she would confide in me. I wanted all of her heart. But what I realized was pretty selfish of me was that, although I wanted all of her heart, I wasn't willing to give her mine. And for awhile, she really did need me. Or at least I felt like it. And it felt good of course, because one of my deepest desires, to be needed, was being fulfilled. I was looking to her to fulfill that desire. I wanted to be needed, and there she was needing me, so of course I felt content. But then time went on and things changed, and soon she didn't need me like she once did. And that hurt. All of a sudden my desire to be needed was no longer fulfilled by her because she wasn't needing me like she used to. I was hurt. I became angry although I didn't realize at the time just how upset it really made me. And apart from all of this, I realized that I had been looking for her to meet some of my other needs. I wanted her to love me exactly how I thought she did. I wanted her to give me all of her heart and take what I gave her of my heart and cherish that. No, I didn't give her my whole heart, but what I did I wanted her to save it and hold on to it. I wanted her to give me all the love in the world-and more. In a nutshell, I was depending on her for what I should have been depending on God for. I was looking for her to fulfill desires of mine that only God can provide and fulfill. I was placing expectations on her-expectations to always love me how I though was necessary, to always be here for me, to never let me down, to never hurt me. All of these are expectations we should be looking to God to uphold. Because he does and he has and he always will. But I was looking to her to meet these expectations. They went unspoken-for I never told her I expected these things from her. But they also were expectations I didn't even know I was making for her. They were unrealistic, but I put them on her. It's like a high jump event at a track meet-when the coach demands that the bar be placed so high without even thinking twice about it-and he just assumes that you'll make it over. Well, that's what I did. I just assumed that this friend of mine could make the jump. That she could live up to this bar, this idealistic expectation of mine. An expectation that only God can uphold. One that I certainly could not dream of upholding myself in all my wildest dreams. Even if I tried. I would fail. Anyone would.

Luke 6:35 "But love...and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return"

Job 41:9 "Behold, your expectation is false."

My expectations put on this friend were false, for the simple fact that I put expectations on her at all! Not to mention, they were completely unrealistic. I know this sounds strange, trust me I do. It sounds strange to say that we shouldn't put expectations on one another. As if by saying that, I am also insulting her-saying that she is not worthy to have any expectations put upon her by me. That's not what I'm trying to portray here-and I certainly do not mean it as any sort of insult, but not expecting anything from her, or anyone for that matter. What I'm saying is that the Lord calls us to expect great things from Him. But how often do we forget this and put these expectations on one another? We look to the world to fulfill our deepest needs and desires. All along, God knows all of these, even the ones we are unaware of. He is the ultimate fulfillment. Yet, we turn to the world and to one another to fill them? Hmmm....something about that doesn't quite make sense. Time and time again the world lets us down. It will continue to. And when it comes to friendship-I am a firm believer that a true friend, a real friend, will never let you go. But that is not equivalent to saying he/she will never let you down. And I must admit that far too often I mesh those together and see them as the same thing. I start believing that a real friend will never, or should never at least, let me down. I forget that not letting me go is not the same as letting me down. A real friend can let me down and will let me down, but still never let me go. Because we are human-we will hurt one another. We will let one another down. We will truly never be enough for the other person. We can't be. We can't be another person's everything. Only God can be. God blesses us deeply and richly when he gives us a close friend. An unforgettable friend. A friend who will, despite anything that happens, will never let us go. That is the mark of a true friend in my book. But that does not mean he/she will not let me down. And it is not fair to that person for me to expect that she will never let me down, or disappoint me, or hurt me. Because, just as she will, so too will I towards her. I will hurt her, I will let her down, I will disappoint her. That's what happened. That's what has happened. We have hurt one another. We have failed to meet one another's unspoken, unrealistic expectations that we set for one another that we didn't even know we were setting or putting on the other person to meet. And so when the other person, in all her humanity and imperfection, failed to meet those expectations, the other person fell hard. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. The fall was a long and hard one because the expectation was so high and so big. We expected too much. And when we couldn't meet these expectations for one another, we were left falling. We hit the ground. And our hearts were broken. And now we're left feeling the repercussions of it all.

I had needs and desires and expectations for you friend. I wanted you to meet all of these. Time and time again, since the beginning of this friendship, this wonderful friendship, I wanted and expected certain things from you-from this friendship of ours. I forgot to look to God to find all of these things. For him to fulfill all of these within me. I doubted when he told me that he will be the supplier of all my needs. Rather, what I was actually saying was this: "But this friend of mine God, she can fulfill that need for me." The minute you let me down I was crushed. The minute you didn't meet my expectations, I got angry. I got hurt. I got disappointed and sad.

What would the world be like if we didn't place these unrealistic expectations on one another? On any relationship-family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, anything? How different would our world be if we started looking solely to God to fulfill our everything, as we have been called to do since the beginning? We have all these things, such a long list of things that we want a significant other person, such as a close friend, to meet and the minute they don't we are crushed. What then do we do? Well, in my experience with this friend, our response has been this: we drive miles of distance in between us. We do it out of the anger we have towards one another. We do it out of the hurt that has come from letting one another down and the anger that has come from feeling let down. We don't want to be let down, hurt or have our expectations go unmet anymore. We don't want to risk letting the other person hurt us so badly again, so we create distance. We drive a wedge and a mountain in between us. Wide enough and tall enough and big enough so we can be sure that we will never again be hurt. We make certain that this person can never get close enough to us, close enough to our hearts, that they will hurt us again. We lock up, we shut down, we get angry and we get passive aggressive. And before you know it, so much time has passed that we become complacent and numb in the friendship-if you can even call it a friendship anymore. We don't think about it. It's simply a part of the past now. A painful memory that we wish to keep far away from our heart and mind so that we don't have to feel the pain. We try to keep it far away, for we know it creeps up close enough to the forefront of our heart and mind, then we will be faced with thinking about it. And thinking about it means we will have to feel something. And that feeling something will involve pain. The band aid will have to be removed. The blood will have to be set free to flow. The scar will open up.

Dear friend, what I pray is this: that you and I will both remember the truth that the Lord promises us in 2 Corinthians as our God of all compassion and comfort: He promises to comfort us. He promises to heal us. To comfort and heal us from this pain. This pain that has been boiling in us and trapped in us and this friendship for far too long. He promises to bring healing, but we must realize that we are being healed from past pains-pains that hurt. And we cannot fully experience that healing if we refuse to feel the pain. We cannot fully experience the amazing healing power of Jesus Christ in this friendship if we continue to be numb to the pain, to be complacent, to leave it buried in the past as a past and painful memory that we hope to never re visit again. If we let our anger get the best of us. If he let the hurt and the pain and awful ache that it has caused-and the anger that it has produced as a result-swallow us whole. If we shut down our hearts to the idea of forgiveness-real forgiveness...then healing can never come. If we push the past aside as something that never happened, if we refuse to be open and honest with one another about our hurting and our grievences, if we pretend as if none of this happened at all-then the heart will only grow harder towards one another. Christ alone is the only one who can soften our hearts. In our flesh, in our humanity, we cannot do it alone. Christ alone is the only one who can allow us to forgive as he forgave. We alone, cannot do it. There is forgivness to be found. There is healing in this friendship yet to be discovered. There is maturity and growth to be experienced. The question is: are you ready to find it? Are you ready to discover it? Are you ready to allow the Lord to move in you and your heart so that you can experience it? Dear friend, I am praying for you.