It’s hard to believe that I have been living and working in Chicago for almost 9 weeks now. By the time I get on a plane to come home to Kansas next week where I will then pack up for Dallas, the 9 week summer in Chicago-a city I have fallen in love with and a summer that I can honestly say has been one of the best-feelings of bittersweet emotion will be flooding my head and my heart. Then again, yesterday, when the reality of leaving here and coming back home became somewhat tangible for the first time, those bittersweet feelings-mixed emotions of sadness and excitement-began flowing through my blood at full speed. When school let out back in May and my Chicago journey was just a few short weeks away, it began to feel all-too-real to me for the first time since I had accepted the internship and signed off on my housing way back in March. I was blessed beyond belief to land such an incredible internship so soon and its something I have not taken for granted one day that I’ve been here. Having the opportunity to work for the United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission at the Chicago District Office, although may at first make me sound like some sort of big shot, I really do not nor do I want any of the credit or applause. Because as far as I’m concerned, God was the one who opened these doors for me. All along I had been trying to land an internship out in D.C. for the summer working for International Justice Mission. However, when those doors were closed and the opportunity to live and intern in Chicago opened up, it was all by the Lord’s doing. I knew from that moment that my summer internship search came to an end, that the Lord had something in store for me this summer. I had always wanted to move to a new and unfamiliar city for a summer while I was in college, learn to conquer it and be challenged by it, but I can honestly say that I never in my farthest imagination, planned on learning all that I did. I didn’t expect what was handed to me: the opportunity to grow so much, be challenged and pushed outside of my comfort zone to no end, to come across the pathway of friends who I can now call a solid group of friends of mine who would get to know me so well and who I would come to love so much, to get handed the expectations and responsibility that my work has granted me, to learn a whole new definition to the word “independence,” or to fall in love with a city so quickly. This summer has been a summer I can never and would never want to forget. After 9 short weeks, I have learned so much more about myself. I have grown to new extremes. I have come to learn more about the Lord’s heart then I ever saw coming. I have come to grow closer to my Savior and seen Him work in some pretty crazy ways around me. I have had my eyesight and perspective changed by His will, where I learned more and more each day to see life and to see His people as He sees them as opposed to how we see one another. I have come to get my heart and my mind shaken up, totally unprepared for it but in the end, I wouldn’t have changed it to be prepared even if I had the option. I have come to know and learn more about myself, my heart, my passions, my desires, and the things out there that really make my clock tick, that really make my blood boil, that really make my heart on fire to live for and to love and to run after. I was thrown into a city I knew nothing about, put in an apartment complex with people I didn’t know, placed in a work environment where I had no idea what to expect, and at the end of every day and to this day now, I can honestly say that I have seen and felt God’s hand in all of it.
This summer has been a summer of pure adventure. A summer of excitement, a summer of laughter and sweat and unforgettable memories. A summer of unending challenges, endless opportunity, and countless moments of pure exhaustion. I have been knocked down, bruised, and gotten back up again. I have great days where life has never been so good and days where I wanted nothing more then to crawl back into bed, sleep it away, and start it all over again the next morning. I have laughed more times then I can remember, I have experienced times of utter despair and tears, and I have had every kind of day in-between. I’ve made friends that I have become closer to then I ever expected and ones who I can honestly say I hope to stay friends with down the road because they mean too much to simply let go. I have got lost in the city, turned around on the subway and train, and found my way back home again. I have got caught out in the pouring rain without an umbrella more than once and I have spent endless hours on Lake Michigan beach and lake shore drive just to close my eyes, breathe deep, feel the wind rush through my air and cool my body on a hot summer day. I have sweated pounds of water on my morning excursions to work and weekend adventures. I have tried new running paths along the lake and through local neighborhoods with my I pod blasting and my feet carrying me miles on end. I have had so many moments of complete serenity and peace where I sit outside at a local café to read the paper and enjoy a cup of coffee, or take a long walk through a family style neighborhood, or let the afternoon drift by me while I spend it on a rooftop just soaking in the best of summer rays, my favorite music playing while my heart and mind were set free to just think and pray and be still. I have drank too much at times and sometimes regretted it the next morning, but I have had friends there the whole time to make memorable stories and playbacks. I have worn my work heels down to the point that they are about to break and I have visited the dry cleaners more than I ever thought possible to get my blouses, jackets and dress pants washed. I think it’s safe to say I have spent 80% of my summer in business casual clothes. I have had conversations with complete strangers, explored the city to no end so that by the time I left I would feel like I knew it like the back of my hand. I have been drunk off of countless sunsets that fall over the Chicago skyline and Lake Michigan and have enjoyed 4 AM trips out to the lake to see the sun come up marvelously. I have witnessed the city never sleep and yet have played golf on courses that sit outside of the city so you feel as if nothing else exists, simply you, the greens, the deer that chase one another across the course, and downtown Chicago in the background. And in the midst of everything, I have seen and felt God’s hand in all of it.
I have put my to do lists, calendars, and schedules away for the summer, choosing to live one day at a time instead of three weeks in advance. I have learned what it means to slow down, breathe deep, take one step at a time and live, really LIVE, for what is most important. Through all of this, I have been apart from the community of family and friends back home in Dallas that I have come to know and love like brothers and sisters the past 3 years. That community that is all too unique and meaningful, nothing could possibly replace it. A community that loves me, knows me and my heart, challenges me in the Lord and walks with me in faith on this journey we have come to call life. A community that is missed more than words can say when we are apart that leaves a homesick feeling for one another when we are not together. It has been a summer apart and has felt like years. It is a community that I am anxiously awaiting to get back to and to start sharing life together again in person. But while we have been apart, and as the Lord has led me up to Chicago to serve Him and glorify Him in my work and life up here in my summer city, I have learned to become more dependent and more reliant on the Lord. When you are not surrounded by that community who is there to challenge you and hold you accountable in person, it’s up to you as to whether you will draw closer or draw away from the Lord until your time with that community reunites. For me this summer, it has become an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord and His heart. Feeling like I was on the brink of something at the beginning of the summer, but unaware what it was, this summer has been a chance for the Lord to teach me and grow me. Before summer started and I moved to Chicago, all I knew was that something was waiting for me to discover. Something was waiting for me to conquer and learn and be challenged by. There was something that the Lord was going to show me and teach me. I was on the brink of it and only time could tell when it would be revealed. When summer rolled around, I was ready for adventure. I was ready to take a step on my own and try this whole thing. But I had no idea what was coming.
Looking back now on the past 2 months, I cannot say that there was solely one specific thing the Lord had waiting for me. Because it wasn’t just about learning to become more dependent on Him while I was away from my community back home. It was about so, so much more than that. He has shaken up my heart. Shaken up my plans. Changed my outlook and changed my perspective. I could not have expected to learn all that I did about myself before this summer and the journey and adventure I signed up for back in March was something I could only discover for myself as it was happening. Now that it has happened, and is all too quickly coming to an end within the next week, I know that I am not leaving with any regrets. I have grown up a lot. I have been given a new pair of glasses to see people and see things differently, other than I ever had before. With the challenges, mountains and up hills that I have climbed, and with the fun, excitement, and pure joy I have experienced this summer, I think it’s safe to say that this summer has been anything but a failed lesson. If I could do it all over again I would; and I wouldn’t change one thing about it.
In the midst of this summer in Chicago, I’ve had a close friend come visit me for a weekend to celebrate my birthday with me, I’ve gotten to travel to visit my best group of girl friends for a weekend away in Minnesota, and I’ve even gotten to travel to New York City to visit another someone special, only to be more blown away and left in awe of a city so full of life and vibrancy. I’ve been blessed to spend time with one of my sister and brother-in-laws here in Chicago and had a taste of home when I get to stay with them. All in all, I’d say it’s been a summer not to forget.
In addition to learning to become more dependent on the Lord and to live with out to-do lists and schedules for once in my life, my perspective in general on my life, my upcoming senior year, my post-graduation plans, and how I see people has be shaken up. For one thing, the Lord has challenged me to see His people as He sees them. And if I’ve learned anything this summer, especially working for this federal government agency, where my sole purpose has been to serve the Lord by serving His people-those who have been discriminated against-is that we are ALL broken. But the eyesight he has allowed me to try on this summer has been one of the most humbling experiences I’ve had in quite sometime. The fact that I pass on average 30 homeless people everyday on my way to work, and am constantly working for average every-day people who come into the EEOC who have been discriminated against in their workplace, well, it has allowed me the chance see a sort of lifestyle that is all too uncommon in the Highland Park community of Dallas, Texas. I have found myself last spring semester for the first time since I moved to Dallas 3 years ago, to become more blind to the kind of people who don’t fit the Highland Park bubble stereotype, except for when I am serving in West Dallas. At the end of my Junior year, it became all to painfully obvious that I had lost my eyesight towards the broken, the needy, the pour, the homeless, except when I was down in West Dallas serving. All of us are broken, every single one of us. But for a lot of us we show it in a much less obvious way. And what I realized by the end of last year, was that I had become blind and numb to those who were painfully and obviously broken on the outside, simply because when spending so much time in Highland Park, you don’t see that often-hardly at all-almost never in fact. Up until last semester, I had made it a purpose and a point to get out of the Highland Park bubble and to serve people in other areas who were in desperate need. This isn’t to say that people living in the Highland Park community are not in need-but I always felt a calling to serve in other places, especially West Dallas, where they are the 11th poorest community in the United States, and a 15 minute car ride away from SMU. However, in the midst of losing sight of so many things last semester, one of those things I lost sight of was in fact that calling to serve outside of the bubble; a calling I heard so strongly from the Lord since I moved down to Dallas. I had gone from spending so much time outside of the bubble, to spending not even half as much. And in the midst of doing so, my eyesight became blurry to just how many people were broken and in need. Blurry to the sight of countless people in areas and communities all over Dallas that were God’s people and in need of a helping hand. When the Lord started revealing this unpleasant fact to me, it was a mouthful to swallow. It’s incredibly difficult to realize something like this about yourself, but it is also incredibly humbling. So before I left for Chicago, I prayed that God would change my perspective. Get me back to seeing his people as He saw them. To see people in all their brokenness and still realize just how beautiful they were. To see the needs and hear the cries of those around me and to reach out. To serve God by serving others. To love as I have been called to love and as He has loved me. I asked for a new pair of seeing glasses, the ones that I had seemed to lose along the way last semester. Because that purpose to serve; that calling to serve had not extinguished in me. It was burning just as strongly like a flame in my heart that couldn’t be put out. But I needed to start seeing people in the right light again, and shake that numb feeling; of being numb to all the brokenness that surrounds us every day, that could be aided and relieved so much if we simply chose to reach out a hand. It is our purpose as children of God. To love as we have been loved. To serve out of a joy and desire for Him. When we choose to ignore the brokenness or choose not to see it, it’s like we can pretend it doesn’t exist. But by choosing not to see it, or to close our eyes to it, doesn’t make it disappear. It doesn’t make it any less real. Closing our eyes to it only makes it worse for those who are in need. Choosing to do nothing is choosing to live a numb and selfish life. As the summer has progressed, and I have witnessed all that I have, my heart has been humbled and my eyesight has been renewed. It’s something I make sure to pray for every day on my way to work: to see people as God sees them. To serve them how He has called me to. To keep in mind, each day I work, my purpose and reason for working there: to serve and to be a voice for the discriminated that do not have a voice. I think honestly the best way to sum up what I have discovered and what the Lord has taught me this summer to keep as my focus and is Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
I was reminded of this when I was sitting in church a few weeks ago in Minnesota when I was there visiting friends. It was one of those sermons that just hit you where you needed it most. When God just woke something up in you. Where you couldn’t deny the truth behind the message. Something that I took away from this, after being reminded that my purpose of working at the EEOC this summer was to do exactly what Micah 6:8 calls me to do every day, and after having my eyesight renewed from the blind sleepy slumber it seemed to have taken last semester, was that all of it starts with integrity. Honesty and truth behind everything I do as an individual. After all, how are any of us supposed to serve the world with a purpose if we aren’t going forth with integrity? Without it, we are lying to ourselves and lying to those around us. Without it, our motives are simply selfish. And that is not the way the Lord has called any of us to do His work. Thinking about what my purpose has been here this summer and realizing more and more with each passing day, that the Lord had it planned for me to be in Chicago doing what I’m doing, long before the idea of moving up here even crossed my mind, it has made me realize even more the difference between performance and purpose. Over the past few months, the Lord has put a unique philosophy on my heart for me to try to live out every day: purpose vs. performance. Living a purpose driven life as opposed to a performance driven one, that is driven by expectations that all too often cannot be met because of their unrealistic heights. To live a purpose driven life is to live with passion, with a fire that burns inside of your heart to go forth with what the Lord has called you to. On this journey called life, we are each called to walk different paths. Some of us will be doctors. Some of us will be school teachers. Some of us will be world travelers. Some of us will be human rights activists. Some of us will be security guards, landscapers, stay at home parents, coffee house owners, and the list goes on… But no matter what it is, we are called to keep in mind what the Lord has planned for us, even if we don’t know exactly what that is every moment of every day. We are given desires and passions and dreams for a reason. They are not to be ignored. They are put on our hearts by no mistake. Whatever they may be, when they are God given, we are called to pursue them. And sometimes that means throwing out the window expectations that others have placed on us or that we have placed on ourselves. Because sometimes what we are called to be and called to do, doesn’t exactly match up with what we originally planned for ourselves, or what our parents or teachers or bosses or spouses planned for us. But it doesn’t matter. Because we only get one life on earth to live. And we are each given a purpose and a plan. Sometimes we have to take the back roads, those being the ones less traveled. Sometimes we have to throw out the window our map or GPS. Sometimes we have to jump when the Lord tells us to jump and just trust Him. Sometimes we have to take big leap forwards and get our feet dirty from time to time (or every day). But that’s the beauty in life. It’s about adventure. It’s about discovering who you are. It’s about a journey that continues with every step you take and every morning you wake up. We were given life not to throw it away, but to embrace it. Live it. Be brave, courageous, and take a leap of faith.
With all of this brewing in my head and my heart this summer, its been the biggest prayer on my heart that when I return to SMU; a campus that is all too well known for being a community of performance and expectation, where we expect of ourselves to have our resume jam packed, our calendars constantly penciled in, our to do lists continuously piling up, internships one after the next, and stepping forth into every campus activity and leadership position offered to us….all the while maintaining a spotless GPA…well it has been a prayer on my heart not to become absorbed by this culture and mindset. I want to live with purpose. And with passion. Not by expectations. Not by performance. Not by standards that the world has created for me to abide by and to judge myself accordingly. I am accountable to one man alone, and that’s Jesus Christ. My worth is not found in my resume. Or my GPA. Or in the amount of internships I rack up or what my bosses think of me. Or in my leadership positions. My worth is found in Him and in Him alone. Now that’s something worth living for.
If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that I don’t know what God has in store for me come post-graduation. Maybe it’s law school; something I’ve been planning on and preparing for my entire college career. Maybe it’s Teach for America. Maybe it’s going abroad for a year and traveling. Maybe it’s Seminary. Maybe it’s joining a missionary team and going to Uganda to serve. But whatever it is, all I know is that I need to listen to my heart and the passions and desires God puts on it. Because I want to go where He calls me. If He says go, I want to go. I want to listen to whatever it is that makes my heart beat faster and my clock tick. I want to live out my passions and dreams. And I don’t want to allow myself to be held back because I have decided for myself that I need to follow the countless expectations I have put on myself since the beginning. After all, maybe these expectations I have for myself, aren’t what God is calling me to fulfill. And if that’s true, as hard as it will be to let go of them, it’s going to be worth it. With one life to live, we must keep in mind what’s most important. Family. Friends. Community. Time with people. Time to stop and breathe and just LIVE. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important, when the world consumes you with expectations, and a drive for perfection and performance. It’s easy to lose sight in the midst of the culture we are immersed in every day. Sometimes it takes stepping back, being reminded from a friend, and slowing down long enough to allow God to speak His truth to you. To remind you that maybe what you’re living for and striving for, really isn’t what it’s all about. And maybe if we just took a little more time each day to slow down, to let God in and speak to us…well then maybe we would find ourselves living very differently. In the midst of a summer busy with work, I have learned just how crucial it is to slow down and live. To not let life become so crazy that I’m not even living. It’s been such a blessing to be living and working in a city that, yes although it’s incredibly fast paced and people go non stop, to make it a priority NOT to be engulfed by that sort of living. I made it a personal goal of mine before moving here and I’m happy to say that I have accomplished it well. To stand out from the rest. Slow down more. Slow my pace on the street and make more time for what’s important. Because after all, the last thing I want is to look back on my life years from now, and realize I lived it all too quickly and all to limited by schedules and fast paced speed, that I forgot to actually live…
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